Concepts
So this might not make a ton of sense, but I felt like writing some random stuff I was thinking. If this does scare you, feel free to write me and I can do my best to explain it better if you want. I do hope you can all at least relate to some of this. I need to write it out, for myself, so please try not to judge me too harshly.
So yesterday, I was driving with our group of friends out in the woods, and I was sitting there explaining my MG to Dan, and this weird conceptual system I use to gauge my strength. During me explaining it, I started to think, man, this sounds freaking crazy. This has in turn made me take a look at me a little deeper, and analyze what in the world I’m doing.
Concepts. They seem to be the sole basis of my life. I live my life around them. Things seem to fit within them, and they help govern my morals, ethics, and general way of being. There are plenty of concepts I have yet to master, or even understand, like women for instance, but they are there none the less. I have found that I place everything in their section, like an organizational pattern of sorts. My illness, it takes up a pretty big place within me, and I find that I have a lot of things placed in there to keep me functioning.
As I tried to explain to Dan, and I’m not sure he fully understood, I have a percentage system, in which depending on my muscle strength, and overall energy, I can determine what kind of activities I can do, or how bad my MG is that day. Today, for instance, I’m at 25%. It would not be recommended for me to go out, but in an emergency I could if I took it easy. Physical activity isn’t recommended, and if I do go out, having my walker or some other walking assistance is highly advisable.
This system lets me make these decisions, so that all I have to do is follow the pattern that I’ve set up for myself. It took about 2 months or so to setup. Analyzing my everyday feelings, recognizing the signs of weakness, seeing how much I can lift, how balanced I am, how coordinated I am at precision like tasks, even down to how my eye sight is. This system is a major concept of my life, and ultimately bases a lot of my decisions. My feelings, how I react, and such are on others, but anything that involves me utilizing my body has to pass through this system prior to me making the decision to do it.
I have found, that being alone for the most part, I’m solely in charge of making sure I don’t end up in the ER again. I don’t have Amy here anymore to tell me what I’m allowed or not allowed to do. I’m not punished anymore, confined to a chair. I get to make that decision, on my own, and I’m very happy about that. Even if I mess up. Like when I pushed myself in July, during that massive heat wave we had, and wound up in the ER because I ignored the warning signs my body was giving me, in an effort to help my mother. While she wasn’t upset with me having to be rushed to the ER, I was very upset that it happened, and don’t want it to happen again.
To someone who is normal and doesn’t view life like I do, I probably seem crazy. This idea that I can equate myself to a robot, or a computer, and form ideas about systems, concepts, and how to base input to what I output sounds crazy, even to me. But I find more often then not, that is what I do. I listen, and react accordingly. I base everything on what I have experienced, or what I’ve seen from other people, and adapt and learn from it. I feel things, and then translate that into something I can better understand. When something doesn’t fit, like emotions, they wind up being dangerous. Today being dangerous, because that is all I’m doing, is feeling emotions.
I have learned that first hand going through this separation process. I had loved Amy (my ex) very much up until the day she said she was done with me. I feel like she discarded me like trash, along with our life, promises, vows. This was a very chaotic thing for me, and for 3 months, I really struggled. As Meghan could probably tell you, I’ve been down in some dark places, and actually opened up and cried a little during that period, which is something I’m not accustomed to doing. I have emotions, and they are on my sleeve, but it takes a lot to get me to cry. I find I get depressed, and shut down, and try to repair myself, before I come back to myself. Shutting down is the only way I can do to protect myself. Otherwise, I find that I over analyze things, to the point of completely misreading the concept.
I actually did this the other day, and still feel bad for doing it. I find women, and emotions, and feelings are the hardest 3 things for me to sort out, and I misread them all the time. Women seem to be so different then guys in so many ways, to the point where I have a hard time sorting out their true intentions or meanings. I was talking to someone very special to me, her name being Caroline, and misinterpreted what was going on. Because she got busy and I didn’t know that, I thought I said something wrong, and went on a tangent of how sorry I was for no reason. It probably scared her a bit, but thankfully she is very understanding, and has since let it go. But I find, that I’m still struggling with this, because I’m so afraid of messing it up. So afraid that my old data, is invalid now, and that I need to learn a new system on how to handle this.
I’ve been conditioned by Amy to feel sorry for everything. It was always my fault, I was always wrong, and I have learned over the years that pauses means disappointment. This data is invalid, but I find that I am struggling to overwrite it. I want nothing more to rid myself of this, but there is so much information, some of it being valuable, that I have yet to transfer it. Honestly, I don’t want to go through it all, because of all the memories Amy and I shared. So much history, in the almost 14 years we were together, 10 of which married, and she sadly is the only girl I have been with. So how does one base a new system off such limited information I wonder. I look at others, other couples, other groups, and form some things, but I don’t fully understand the feelings and emotions behind it all. I’m considering erasing all I know about love, and starting fresh, as this might give me the best chance of survival with this new relationship I’m in.
And this is why I am trying to learn new concepts. New ideas, new functions, to better suit my life and to prevent the devastation that my ex left me with 6 months ago. I’m somewhat sad today, and is probably the reason for me typing this out, and being overly open. I don’t wish to return to this place ever again, as it is chaos, unorganized, and honestly dangerous for my overall well being. I am sure sadly it will happen again, because I’m too nice of a person, too open hearted for it not to be stepped on again. Whether it be love, friendship, or family, it is almost guaranteed that something that will hurt me this bad is likely to happen. From my perspective, it is almost guaranteed.
Another concept I’m attempting to learn, and will more the likely fail, is faith. Faith, belief in God, and religion. I don’t understand why people require religion. I went to church yesterday with Meghan, and while she even stated this wasn’t the best sermon to go to as it had to do with donating to the church and giving tithe, and all that, it got me to thinking. These people actually believe if they give the church 10% of their earnings, that they are somehow better off then the rest of us idiots who don’t believe in such things. Why do they believe this? Shouldn’t the community as a whole help out people in need? If this God exists, what purpose could he have with our imaginary value we place on paper? Sure, it aids the church in helping others, and that I can respect. That is a concept I can easily accept and approve of. But not all of us are wealthy. Not all of us are capable of such actions, but it is in the holy book. Do we have to blindly believe what is written as law?
Concepts like these I struggle with. This is one of a million things that revolve around religion that I struggle with. I realize donating time can also aid the church, so I’m not naive to think that money is the only desire. But the concept of having faith that something none of us can see, hear, feel, or touch is going to save us during our most dire times seems to be a bit silly. Maybe the concept is that God places people in your life to help when you are in most despair. That concept I can at least fathom a little.
I know without my mother’s decision to let me come home, I’d be in Ohio still, away from everyone I care so much about. I’d be isolated, alone, and more then likely no where near the level of acceptance I am today. Maybe that is what I should take away from religion, but I also have this concept that family does for one another, and that because she is my mother, and she loves me, she wanted to help me through this difficult time in my life. I wonder if it is possible for concepts to overlap each other. I wonder if my concept of family, and religion have some overlap.
I find it funny how my brain works. I really do. All these systems in place, all these conceptual modules as I like to think of them, make up who I am as a person. They dictate how I’m to behave, how to react, how to cope, how to function. As Meghan teases me, it is my HP bar when it comes to my illness, as far as strength and energy go. Explaining it though is complicated, but it makes sense to me, and I guess at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
After being allowed to be myself again, and not the slave I was, I am rebuilding myself, and rebuilding the way I think. I’m becoming me again, and I’m so happy I can. But at the same time, I wonder if this is so foreign to people, that if I tell them, that they don’t sit there and think I’m crazy. Is it possible to be sane and crazy at the same time I wonder. I also wonder what made me this way. Perhaps it was my childhood, perhaps it is just who I am. Perhaps that electric shock when I was 2 is the reason as well. Who knows. All I know is that I’m glad to finally return to who I am, and want to be me again. Even if that means that I’m strange, and crazy.
So yesterday, I was driving with our group of friends out in the woods, and I was sitting there explaining my MG to Dan, and this weird conceptual system I use to gauge my strength. During me explaining it, I started to think, man, this sounds freaking crazy. This has in turn made me take a look at me a little deeper, and analyze what in the world I’m doing.
Concepts. They seem to be the sole basis of my life. I live my life around them. Things seem to fit within them, and they help govern my morals, ethics, and general way of being. There are plenty of concepts I have yet to master, or even understand, like women for instance, but they are there none the less. I have found that I place everything in their section, like an organizational pattern of sorts. My illness, it takes up a pretty big place within me, and I find that I have a lot of things placed in there to keep me functioning.
As I tried to explain to Dan, and I’m not sure he fully understood, I have a percentage system, in which depending on my muscle strength, and overall energy, I can determine what kind of activities I can do, or how bad my MG is that day. Today, for instance, I’m at 25%. It would not be recommended for me to go out, but in an emergency I could if I took it easy. Physical activity isn’t recommended, and if I do go out, having my walker or some other walking assistance is highly advisable.
This system lets me make these decisions, so that all I have to do is follow the pattern that I’ve set up for myself. It took about 2 months or so to setup. Analyzing my everyday feelings, recognizing the signs of weakness, seeing how much I can lift, how balanced I am, how coordinated I am at precision like tasks, even down to how my eye sight is. This system is a major concept of my life, and ultimately bases a lot of my decisions. My feelings, how I react, and such are on others, but anything that involves me utilizing my body has to pass through this system prior to me making the decision to do it.
I have found, that being alone for the most part, I’m solely in charge of making sure I don’t end up in the ER again. I don’t have Amy here anymore to tell me what I’m allowed or not allowed to do. I’m not punished anymore, confined to a chair. I get to make that decision, on my own, and I’m very happy about that. Even if I mess up. Like when I pushed myself in July, during that massive heat wave we had, and wound up in the ER because I ignored the warning signs my body was giving me, in an effort to help my mother. While she wasn’t upset with me having to be rushed to the ER, I was very upset that it happened, and don’t want it to happen again.
To someone who is normal and doesn’t view life like I do, I probably seem crazy. This idea that I can equate myself to a robot, or a computer, and form ideas about systems, concepts, and how to base input to what I output sounds crazy, even to me. But I find more often then not, that is what I do. I listen, and react accordingly. I base everything on what I have experienced, or what I’ve seen from other people, and adapt and learn from it. I feel things, and then translate that into something I can better understand. When something doesn’t fit, like emotions, they wind up being dangerous. Today being dangerous, because that is all I’m doing, is feeling emotions.
I have learned that first hand going through this separation process. I had loved Amy (my ex) very much up until the day she said she was done with me. I feel like she discarded me like trash, along with our life, promises, vows. This was a very chaotic thing for me, and for 3 months, I really struggled. As Meghan could probably tell you, I’ve been down in some dark places, and actually opened up and cried a little during that period, which is something I’m not accustomed to doing. I have emotions, and they are on my sleeve, but it takes a lot to get me to cry. I find I get depressed, and shut down, and try to repair myself, before I come back to myself. Shutting down is the only way I can do to protect myself. Otherwise, I find that I over analyze things, to the point of completely misreading the concept.
I actually did this the other day, and still feel bad for doing it. I find women, and emotions, and feelings are the hardest 3 things for me to sort out, and I misread them all the time. Women seem to be so different then guys in so many ways, to the point where I have a hard time sorting out their true intentions or meanings. I was talking to someone very special to me, her name being Caroline, and misinterpreted what was going on. Because she got busy and I didn’t know that, I thought I said something wrong, and went on a tangent of how sorry I was for no reason. It probably scared her a bit, but thankfully she is very understanding, and has since let it go. But I find, that I’m still struggling with this, because I’m so afraid of messing it up. So afraid that my old data, is invalid now, and that I need to learn a new system on how to handle this.
I’ve been conditioned by Amy to feel sorry for everything. It was always my fault, I was always wrong, and I have learned over the years that pauses means disappointment. This data is invalid, but I find that I am struggling to overwrite it. I want nothing more to rid myself of this, but there is so much information, some of it being valuable, that I have yet to transfer it. Honestly, I don’t want to go through it all, because of all the memories Amy and I shared. So much history, in the almost 14 years we were together, 10 of which married, and she sadly is the only girl I have been with. So how does one base a new system off such limited information I wonder. I look at others, other couples, other groups, and form some things, but I don’t fully understand the feelings and emotions behind it all. I’m considering erasing all I know about love, and starting fresh, as this might give me the best chance of survival with this new relationship I’m in.
And this is why I am trying to learn new concepts. New ideas, new functions, to better suit my life and to prevent the devastation that my ex left me with 6 months ago. I’m somewhat sad today, and is probably the reason for me typing this out, and being overly open. I don’t wish to return to this place ever again, as it is chaos, unorganized, and honestly dangerous for my overall well being. I am sure sadly it will happen again, because I’m too nice of a person, too open hearted for it not to be stepped on again. Whether it be love, friendship, or family, it is almost guaranteed that something that will hurt me this bad is likely to happen. From my perspective, it is almost guaranteed.
Another concept I’m attempting to learn, and will more the likely fail, is faith. Faith, belief in God, and religion. I don’t understand why people require religion. I went to church yesterday with Meghan, and while she even stated this wasn’t the best sermon to go to as it had to do with donating to the church and giving tithe, and all that, it got me to thinking. These people actually believe if they give the church 10% of their earnings, that they are somehow better off then the rest of us idiots who don’t believe in such things. Why do they believe this? Shouldn’t the community as a whole help out people in need? If this God exists, what purpose could he have with our imaginary value we place on paper? Sure, it aids the church in helping others, and that I can respect. That is a concept I can easily accept and approve of. But not all of us are wealthy. Not all of us are capable of such actions, but it is in the holy book. Do we have to blindly believe what is written as law?
Concepts like these I struggle with. This is one of a million things that revolve around religion that I struggle with. I realize donating time can also aid the church, so I’m not naive to think that money is the only desire. But the concept of having faith that something none of us can see, hear, feel, or touch is going to save us during our most dire times seems to be a bit silly. Maybe the concept is that God places people in your life to help when you are in most despair. That concept I can at least fathom a little.
I know without my mother’s decision to let me come home, I’d be in Ohio still, away from everyone I care so much about. I’d be isolated, alone, and more then likely no where near the level of acceptance I am today. Maybe that is what I should take away from religion, but I also have this concept that family does for one another, and that because she is my mother, and she loves me, she wanted to help me through this difficult time in my life. I wonder if it is possible for concepts to overlap each other. I wonder if my concept of family, and religion have some overlap.
I find it funny how my brain works. I really do. All these systems in place, all these conceptual modules as I like to think of them, make up who I am as a person. They dictate how I’m to behave, how to react, how to cope, how to function. As Meghan teases me, it is my HP bar when it comes to my illness, as far as strength and energy go. Explaining it though is complicated, but it makes sense to me, and I guess at the end of the day, that is all that matters.
After being allowed to be myself again, and not the slave I was, I am rebuilding myself, and rebuilding the way I think. I’m becoming me again, and I’m so happy I can. But at the same time, I wonder if this is so foreign to people, that if I tell them, that they don’t sit there and think I’m crazy. Is it possible to be sane and crazy at the same time I wonder. I also wonder what made me this way. Perhaps it was my childhood, perhaps it is just who I am. Perhaps that electric shock when I was 2 is the reason as well. Who knows. All I know is that I’m glad to finally return to who I am, and want to be me again. Even if that means that I’m strange, and crazy.
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