Compulsiveness and Isolation
Today has not been a good day. I spent the morning kinda relaxing and talking to my brother before I had to leave to go to my appointment at college for disability. I saw the Disability person there and gave her my diagnosis and asked for help. I actually found myself wanting to cry several times through the appointment, but I'm not sure why.
So now I am getting help. I will be able to select my classes before they open up to everyone else. I will get extra time to take my tests. I will also be able to take a recorder into class so that I can record the lectures.
I actually look back now, and recall just how different my attitude was when I was first there. My first appointment with disability, the same lady, I said that I have ADHD and asked for help. I could easily imagine myself seeming very entitled. Then when I was told that I need to get recent testing done I reacted with frustration and sullenness. Today in my second appointment I had more of a reserved attitude, almost more pleading than expecting. The difference between "I have issues, give me help!" and "Here is my diagnosis... please help me however you can."
After my appointment I went to Best Buy to get a recorder for my classes, then afterwards is when I started taking a turn for the worse. I made a compulsive decision to go to McDonalds. As if that isn't bad enough itself, I wasn't even hungry to begin with! Meanwhile while I ate and played with my new toy in the parking lot I forgot about a demonstration I had to attend at 3:30. with a 15 minute drive away from home I remembered it at 3:25. I got home at 3:40 and connected in late.
Two hours later I finished up with the demo and just spent the next several hours doing... nothing. I could have gone to a meeting. I could have made a few phone calls. I was alone at home, doing just about nothing on the computer. I felt restless and uncomfortably hot. I spent some time looking online for a program that will limit the amount of time I could spend in certain programs thinking that I could use that to play games for only a certain amount of time. Fortunately I didn't find anything.
Damnit. I wanted to play a video game. I still want to play a video game. I have been wanting to play video games. This has been going on since the psych ward, it had gotten better for a while but now its worse from my trip to NY. This is a really bad sign for me. I need to do something about this or things could get real bad. Just around this time last year I spent two years off and on triggered and I ended up having a major manic episode/relapse that could have fucked my life up if it had lasted any longer than it did.
Anyway, after I spent a while doing nothing and my Mom had come home I did some work that needed to be done, and that was essentially my day. I am officially looking for a therapist again, apparently there are therapists who will offer free counseling to veterans so I am gunna see if I can take advantage of that.
So now I am getting help. I will be able to select my classes before they open up to everyone else. I will get extra time to take my tests. I will also be able to take a recorder into class so that I can record the lectures.
I actually look back now, and recall just how different my attitude was when I was first there. My first appointment with disability, the same lady, I said that I have ADHD and asked for help. I could easily imagine myself seeming very entitled. Then when I was told that I need to get recent testing done I reacted with frustration and sullenness. Today in my second appointment I had more of a reserved attitude, almost more pleading than expecting. The difference between "I have issues, give me help!" and "Here is my diagnosis... please help me however you can."
After my appointment I went to Best Buy to get a recorder for my classes, then afterwards is when I started taking a turn for the worse. I made a compulsive decision to go to McDonalds. As if that isn't bad enough itself, I wasn't even hungry to begin with! Meanwhile while I ate and played with my new toy in the parking lot I forgot about a demonstration I had to attend at 3:30. with a 15 minute drive away from home I remembered it at 3:25. I got home at 3:40 and connected in late.
Two hours later I finished up with the demo and just spent the next several hours doing... nothing. I could have gone to a meeting. I could have made a few phone calls. I was alone at home, doing just about nothing on the computer. I felt restless and uncomfortably hot. I spent some time looking online for a program that will limit the amount of time I could spend in certain programs thinking that I could use that to play games for only a certain amount of time. Fortunately I didn't find anything.
Damnit. I wanted to play a video game. I still want to play a video game. I have been wanting to play video games. This has been going on since the psych ward, it had gotten better for a while but now its worse from my trip to NY. This is a really bad sign for me. I need to do something about this or things could get real bad. Just around this time last year I spent two years off and on triggered and I ended up having a major manic episode/relapse that could have fucked my life up if it had lasted any longer than it did.
Anyway, after I spent a while doing nothing and my Mom had come home I did some work that needed to be done, and that was essentially my day. I am officially looking for a therapist again, apparently there are therapists who will offer free counseling to veterans so I am gunna see if I can take advantage of that.
Replies
Go to the VA for therapists. Medicare if you have that only pays for a psychologist. I dont know what insurance you have. Getting a therapist will help you a lot. Its good to work one on one once a week. This was really interesting journal and you write really well.
You may be just trying to \'divert\' your attention off your issues in playing the games. Perhaps that is why it helps you to feel so much better. I\'m not sure what works for you but I used to have a date planner that I carried with me. Now we can do the same thing with our \'smart\' phones and the phone will even \'alert\' us to a listed item on our schedule.
Sometimes it may help just practicing \'feeling\' whatever it is in the moment that is going on? We cannot adapt to what we are not able to fully embrace and feel. Just a thought as I know how distressing this must be for you.
Be very gentle with yourself and we only have to walk through our challenges one small step at a time.
You are making progress by becoming more fully aware. It takes time but you are making progress!
Gentle ((hugs)) of comfort
:-) Patricia
i HOPE YOU FIND A GOOD COUNSLER.tAKE CARE,i HOPE TOMORROW IS A BETTER DAY FOR YOU.