Compulsiveness and Isolation
Today has not been a good day. I spent the morning kinda relaxing and talking to my brother before I had to leave to go to my appointment at college for disability. I saw the Disability person there and gave her my diagnosis and asked for help. I actually found myself wanting to cry several times through the appointment, but I'm not sure why.
So now I am getting help. I will be able to select my classes before they open up to everyone else. I will get extra time to take my tests. I will also be able to take a recorder into class so that I can record the lectures.
I actually look back now, and recall just how different my attitude was when I was first there. My first appointment with disability, the same lady, I said that I have ADHD and asked for help. I could easily imagine myself seeming very entitled. Then when I was told that I need to get recent testing done I reacted with frustration and sullenness. Today in my second appointment I had more of a reserved attitude, almost more pleading than expecting. The difference between "I have issues, give me help!" and "Here is my diagnosis... please help me however you can."
After my appointment I went to Best Buy to get a recorder for my classes, then afterwards is when I started taking a turn for the worse. I made a compulsive decision to go to McDonalds. As if that isn't bad enough itself, I wasn't even hungry to begin with! Meanwhile while I ate and played with my new toy in the parking lot I forgot about a demonstration I had to attend at 3:30. with a 15 minute drive away from home I remembered it at 3:25. I got home at 3:40 and connected in late.
Two hours later I finished up with the demo and just spent the next several hours doing... nothing. I could have gone to a meeting. I could have made a few phone calls. I was alone at home, doing just about nothing on the computer. I felt restless and uncomfortably hot. I spent some time looking online for a program that will limit the amount of time I could spend in certain programs thinking that I could use that to play games for only a certain amount of time. Fortunately I didn't find anything.
Damnit. I wanted to play a video game. I still want to play a video game. I have been wanting to play video games. This has been going on since the psych ward, it had gotten better for a while but now its worse from my trip to NY. This is a really bad sign for me. I need to do something about this or things could get real bad. Just around this time last year I spent two years off and on triggered and I ended up having a major manic episode/relapse that could have fucked my life up if it had lasted any longer than it did.
Anyway, after I spent a while doing nothing and my Mom had come home I did some work that needed to be done, and that was essentially my day. I am officially looking for a therapist again, apparently there are therapists who will offer free counseling to veterans so I am gunna see if I can take advantage of that.
So now I am getting help. I will be able to select my classes before they open up to everyone else. I will get extra time to take my tests. I will also be able to take a recorder into class so that I can record the lectures.
I actually look back now, and recall just how different my attitude was when I was first there. My first appointment with disability, the same lady, I said that I have ADHD and asked for help. I could easily imagine myself seeming very entitled. Then when I was told that I need to get recent testing done I reacted with frustration and sullenness. Today in my second appointment I had more of a reserved attitude, almost more pleading than expecting. The difference between "I have issues, give me help!" and "Here is my diagnosis... please help me however you can."
After my appointment I went to Best Buy to get a recorder for my classes, then afterwards is when I started taking a turn for the worse. I made a compulsive decision to go to McDonalds. As if that isn't bad enough itself, I wasn't even hungry to begin with! Meanwhile while I ate and played with my new toy in the parking lot I forgot about a demonstration I had to attend at 3:30. with a 15 minute drive away from home I remembered it at 3:25. I got home at 3:40 and connected in late.
Two hours later I finished up with the demo and just spent the next several hours doing... nothing. I could have gone to a meeting. I could have made a few phone calls. I was alone at home, doing just about nothing on the computer. I felt restless and uncomfortably hot. I spent some time looking online for a program that will limit the amount of time I could spend in certain programs thinking that I could use that to play games for only a certain amount of time. Fortunately I didn't find anything.
Damnit. I wanted to play a video game. I still want to play a video game. I have been wanting to play video games. This has been going on since the psych ward, it had gotten better for a while but now its worse from my trip to NY. This is a really bad sign for me. I need to do something about this or things could get real bad. Just around this time last year I spent two years off and on triggered and I ended up having a major manic episode/relapse that could have fucked my life up if it had lasted any longer than it did.
Anyway, after I spent a while doing nothing and my Mom had come home I did some work that needed to be done, and that was essentially my day. I am officially looking for a therapist again, apparently there are therapists who will offer free counseling to veterans so I am gunna see if I can take advantage of that.
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