Complaint
I got a terribly informative and condescending message from the TCF-Loss To Suicide administrator today. She started with a long, long history of TCF, copy and paste anyone??? Then I was duly impressed by her humble explanation of her training and experience and was advised that being in the group was a priviledge, not a right. She further advised me that there are many "suicide groups" on facebook and warmly wished me well in finding one I fit in...Well, well...I replied in an equally condescending manner pulling out all the smart-ass stops I could think of...very politely, of course. Then I went to the TCF national page and lodged a complaint. I don't know if it will do any good but I will follow up until I get an apology or I just get tired of it and move on.
I have been talking to my mother more lately and she told me she had worrisome feelings about me and Cassi both. She said she was always afraid if something happened to one of us she didn't know how the other would be able to tolerate it. She thinks Cassi would have withstood this storm better than I have. There's no way to know, but I am glad it didn't happen that way. I would have never wanted her to grieve me.
I remember a conversation with Cassi, when she was down, when she told me it was selfish of people to want her to continue to live. It scared me to death, of course. I understand it more now. At bad times I want either my mother, my sister or my husband to tell me it's okay, I can go, but they don't. Just like I couldn't when Cassi literally told me she wanted to die. I understand her now, I understand them, I understand too damn much.
Replies
I understand now better than I ever could have too. Jason spoke of stopping the overwhelming pain more than once and it scared the hell out of me. Now I understand. Fight the fight Gina. Maybe there are those that have been treated like you and haven't had the strength to fight.
XOXO Merrilee
good you filed a complaint i think on these support groups you should voice your opinion. That is how you feel that is what support groups are for everyone has their own opinions. Each opinion should be respected. wheather they like it or not and if someone wants to debate you thats good. get it out. that is called supporting each others opinions not getting mad at each other. or getting kicked out of group. unless you say rotten things to another member that ruins it for the whole group. hurting someone. i think most of the mothers on this support group are already very depressed. care about each other. Women can be very hateful to each other at times. bless your angel hugs
WOW! I've always known "Compassionate Friends" (HA!) was NOT for me! Over and over I hear these types of stories about them. What shame!! I'm sure there are some really good "chapters" I think they're called, but I haven't heard of them....not that I'm looking. This is another reason I'm glad FMO is small....it's US....there's no "big business" and nobody is going to tell you how to grieve or how to share your grief. The ONLY "rule" is to be kind to each other. If you can't support a mom in a given situation or reply kindly to a journal....keep your mouth shut. Write whatever you want in your own journal....but again, just don't bad mouth another mom in our group. That's it. Period. That's the rules! There is NO excuse for being unkind to another grieving mom!!!
I'm glad you wrote a letter of complaint and I hope it doesn't fall on deaf ears, but even if it does, you've gotten it out and you can move forward from it, and them. And I say good riddance! Any group unwilling to allow it's members to speak freely about their own feelings, thoughts, pain, anger, frustration, hopes, dreams, wishes, agony and joy, is NOT the group for me!
I can't begin to imagine the mental anguish one must feel when they are at the point of suicide. Yes, I considered it....momentarily...in my darkest darkness. But even then, I knew it was not my answer. My heart bleeds for those who were convinced it was their answer, and maybe, just maybe it was their answer....I don't know. And I can't begin to imagine all that a mother (or father) must feel, think, try to make any sort of sense out of, the death of their child by suicide. We came close with Kala once...it was a nightmare that I'd hoped would be my worst and last. And although I can't be in your shoes to understand the depth of all you deal with each and every day, I can and I do offer you my friendship and a listening ear willing to cry with you and hold you in prayer while cursing the agony of it all.
Sending lots of LOVE energy to you and to beautiful Cassi~
Go Girl! I never got around to joining Compassionate Friends. Now I am glad. A support group should be supportive, not judgemental or condescending.
Tight hugs, M
To be a member of such a group is a right and not a privilege as it's your right to share your truth as you see and feel it. If it makes others uncomfortable that's their problem and NOT yours. I'm glad that you filed the complaint as you needed to.
Talking about suicide and acting upon it are two vastly different things. If ever you feel that you might act upon it I ask you to please seek the help that you need immediately. As a chaplain I was trained to ask if "they had a plan" and if they did I had to break confidentiality and let my supervisor know so that they could get social work involved etc. I also had patients that I met with after their attempts and I heard over and over again that in that very moment they felt they had made a mistake and wanted to come back because they still had a purpose and work that needed to be done. What each of them said and what was the furthest from the truth was that they felt that their family and friends would be "better off" without them. Not one family member felt that way that I spoke with and many times had no idea that life had become so unbearable for their loved one. Often they saw a lightness around them just before they took their lives because the one struggling knew that relief was imminent.
You are not alone, Gina, and I doubt that there is one mom here that didn't feel very much the same way as you have. Just as Teri had a moment I did too very early on and knew it was not my answer either. I believe I found FMO shortly after or FMO found me and finally I felt as if I had come home. I could just BE however I needed to BE and no one was telling me that it was wrong.
I'm with you, caring so very much and there are no answers. We are each doing our best and that is enough, more than enough for now. Life is messy, it can be hard, IS hard, yet YOU are Cassi's memory keeper and are needed earth side for now. Not forever, yet for now just as each of us is. I'm not sure why we are needed here now, yet we are.
Loving care Cassi's mom from Douglas' mom,
XO Joanie
Gina, I am so sorry you were treated that way by the Compassionate Friends. It is good you filed a complaint and hopefully they will pay attention.
When Eddie passed away my doctor asked me if I was suicidal. I said, "No but it sure is hard to be alive right now." My child didn't die by suicide so I won't say I know what you are going through but I sure do understand how much you miss your daughter. Gentle hugs and much love to you and dearest Cassi, Linda
I have heard other complaints with Compassion Friends - I looked into it but decided not to as I have you all! Good for you to file a complaint....Hopefully it will hit someone and policy will change! HUgs to you!!! Vicki