Competitive

A recent thread really got me to thinking about my own competitive traits.  I really just have a jumble of thoughts, but thought I would type them on out.  My main memories from childhood include always enjoying debating with my brother.  He is 7 years older and I remember him teaching me algebra when I was in kindergarten.  My mom always said I was born an old soul.  I definitely loved learning, stretching my mind, reaching for knowledge.  I loved to read, devoured books, but I think outside of my brother, I had no one to talk with or to share my opinions.  I was on the fringe with kids my age for sure.  I loved being able to discuss and argue what was really on my mind with my brother and have someone who would challenge me.  I was very shy and very reserved with the rest of the world.  Even most of my early teachers in school thought I was a bit strange.  I think I just really learned at an early age that if I spoke freely, I was seen as strange, so I just stopped speaking at all.
One of my girlfriends (not a close friend, but a bit more than an acquaintance) was a sociology major before single motherhood got in the way.  She liked to discuss theories a lot.  So, I opened up to her and was enjoying the hell out of being able to debate again and mainly just to talk freely.  The thing is, she got upset one night because I just kept going.  She told me that I was irritating because I HAD to win.  I took a big step back.  I really thought hard on this happening.  I told her then that I didn't mean to upset her and really it wasn't about winning to me.  That wasn't my intent at all.  The truth is, I respected her debate and was truly enjoying the interchange.  I kept pushing because I was enjoying her responses, the challenge to my own ideas.  In fact, I think I was pushing for her to win - to prove her ideas to me, to challenge me.
This was a big part of my attraction to the xN.  This actually was (outside of the sex) the best part of the relationship.  We would talk about anything and everything until the wee hours of the morning.  It is unfortunate that I see clearly now how much he was reflecting, projecting and just plain fake.  It is unfortunate that I see clearly now how much he did win....throwing much of our discussions back in my face at inopportune moments or waking me and slamming me with direct contradiction after only a couple of hours of sleep.  It was so much like he absorbed everything, wore me out and then spent that couple of hours that I was asleep formulate the best way to harm me with the information when he woke me.
Not only did I end up in crazyland and questioning myself, I did engage and start playing to win his games.  The entire last year of our relationship for sure ended up being a minute by minute tit for tat session.  And yes, I was trying to make him see, to be heard and it was the most draining, paranoid experience of my life. I was going to catch him, make him see, prove that he was just wrong. I think back now to how much energy I was pouring into such foolishness and just sort of go WOW!  No wonder I have been so tired and it's taking so much to recover.
The good news is that I am gaining so much more awareness, of my own needs, my own strengths and weaknesses and have the opportunity to take that energy and direct it into healthy pursuits and growth.