Competition. Women & Nature. Midnight Bottle.
“In the past the seasons, the moon phases, the ebb and flow of the tides, and nature's life-death-rebirth cycle were looked to for the answers to the mysteries of life. But as time has passed, that has all been forgotten.”
This is a quote from a book I just started reading yesterday, Eating in the Light of the Moon. Already I enjoy it very much as it is filled with a lot of wisdom. It speaks to me very strongly. It shows how women have transformed over centuries from listening to nature verses other people or what they feel other people would want. Or at the very least that is my interpretation. In the first few pages the author describes how different parts of the earth are feminine and others are masculine. In order to have a good life one must have an even balance of both. It is very intriguing.
Therapy was good today again. We mainly spoke about competition and continued our conversation from yesterday. Basically I was not able to convince myself that getting a 60/75 or whatever on my microbiology practical this even would be good enough. Nothing convinced me and I could not convince myself. Joanna then realized that it is not realistic and a waste of time to try to change/convince me otherwise at this point in time. She then asked if anything in my life was not a competition. I tried to come up with things, but failed every time. I was positive that there had to be something that I did not do for competition. Joanna was about to speak and then chuckled and said, “You know what’s funny…” I could not wait to hear it. She said, “I was thinking that the one thing you do not compete with are the animals you care for…but then realized that from what you said when you walked in, it is a competition.” At the moment when I said whatever it was that I said, I had no clue that I was being competitive. But she is right- I was. Crazy shit! Bottom line, we could not find anything. Everything with me is a competition. Everything. Fuck. But like I stated at first, it was another really successful and accomplishing day in therapy.
Immediately after therapy I saw Jill. I left our session really pissed off. I did not want to hear anything she said. I lost weight again, apparently. I do not believe it, but according to her I did. She told me what I need to do, which I did not want to hear at all. She then said that if I keep going like this I am going to snowball downhill really soon, if I haven't started that already. Of course I disagreed.
I am just going to forget about that session today because I don't have to worry about it until Monday, when I see Joanna. Jill said she is going to update Joanna and tell her that we need to incorporate more of what's going on with my eating disorder in therapy. She is also going to let her know where I am eating and weight wise and that I am not going to be able to accomplish a lot in therapy real soon due to malnutrition and starving my body. I disagree again. I do not believe I am starving my body. I eat, I am full, and I feel energized. Last Fall I was much worse than I am now regarding to my mental stability and moods. Agh
“Midnight bottle take me, calm me through my memories. A midnight bottle is going to ease my pain.”
I wish it were as simple as that. Colbie Calliat makes it seem that it can take me away from my troubles, misery, and pain. But will it really? I have tried and failed. That midnight bottle (whatever choice of the day it is) takes me away for a short period of time, but soon enough I am back to where I originally started.
Recently every book or passage that I read. Every song that I hear. Every word that I hear, I can relate to my eating disorder. It truly is amazing how such common words, sayings, lyrics can mean so much and be translated in so many unique ways.
This is a quote from a book I just started reading yesterday, Eating in the Light of the Moon. Already I enjoy it very much as it is filled with a lot of wisdom. It speaks to me very strongly. It shows how women have transformed over centuries from listening to nature verses other people or what they feel other people would want. Or at the very least that is my interpretation. In the first few pages the author describes how different parts of the earth are feminine and others are masculine. In order to have a good life one must have an even balance of both. It is very intriguing.
Therapy was good today again. We mainly spoke about competition and continued our conversation from yesterday. Basically I was not able to convince myself that getting a 60/75 or whatever on my microbiology practical this even would be good enough. Nothing convinced me and I could not convince myself. Joanna then realized that it is not realistic and a waste of time to try to change/convince me otherwise at this point in time. She then asked if anything in my life was not a competition. I tried to come up with things, but failed every time. I was positive that there had to be something that I did not do for competition. Joanna was about to speak and then chuckled and said, “You know what’s funny…” I could not wait to hear it. She said, “I was thinking that the one thing you do not compete with are the animals you care for…but then realized that from what you said when you walked in, it is a competition.” At the moment when I said whatever it was that I said, I had no clue that I was being competitive. But she is right- I was. Crazy shit! Bottom line, we could not find anything. Everything with me is a competition. Everything. Fuck. But like I stated at first, it was another really successful and accomplishing day in therapy.
Immediately after therapy I saw Jill. I left our session really pissed off. I did not want to hear anything she said. I lost weight again, apparently. I do not believe it, but according to her I did. She told me what I need to do, which I did not want to hear at all. She then said that if I keep going like this I am going to snowball downhill really soon, if I haven't started that already. Of course I disagreed.
I am just going to forget about that session today because I don't have to worry about it until Monday, when I see Joanna. Jill said she is going to update Joanna and tell her that we need to incorporate more of what's going on with my eating disorder in therapy. She is also going to let her know where I am eating and weight wise and that I am not going to be able to accomplish a lot in therapy real soon due to malnutrition and starving my body. I disagree again. I do not believe I am starving my body. I eat, I am full, and I feel energized. Last Fall I was much worse than I am now regarding to my mental stability and moods. Agh
“Midnight bottle take me, calm me through my memories. A midnight bottle is going to ease my pain.”
I wish it were as simple as that. Colbie Calliat makes it seem that it can take me away from my troubles, misery, and pain. But will it really? I have tried and failed. That midnight bottle (whatever choice of the day it is) takes me away for a short period of time, but soon enough I am back to where I originally started.
Recently every book or passage that I read. Every song that I hear. Every word that I hear, I can relate to my eating disorder. It truly is amazing how such common words, sayings, lyrics can mean so much and be translated in so many unique ways.
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