Community and flying solo
This was written last night.
There was a lot of work today.
I didn't get it all done - I just left behind some
unfinished cleaning.
I'm getting lost in Maryland. But I come home
and put on the robe (cassock) and I am somebody.
I am 'father' and the sisters are busy doing things
and I am eating my meal in silence
and I come back to my room with Blue wailing for me
to come to see him.
And it's strange. I have had moments lately where it's been really touching
and affirming the niceness I have been on the receiving end of.
It makes me want to slough off the real deep self definition
thing and live in a group.
In this 'vein of reflection' that I am very very grateful for our relationship
on this ride called life. Thanks for helping me see different aspects for looking
at life. I don't know what to expect or direction to go in - but I'll keep on keeping on
and just make the life that's right in front of me. Again this sense of
illegitimacy and unworthiness comes over me . sometimes I try to have value
and my ability or inability to recognize it within me is something
I struggle with. But this next part is kind of a saving grace.
Thanks again Rich and Arfie for your help yesterday as well.
I’m starting to see that i very much go through periods of being relaxed and ‘in community in life’ but then also have to think about being self responsible and so see myself as a whole. I would think maybe some are more viably constructed for this kind of effort but we all have to deal with it. We need to make good decisions in life no matter how we feel.
That kind of struggle I am seeing in my friends online and for myself here in my life. And perhaps it's a universal thing.
Replies
i buy the notion that this world is a classroom and we are here to learn, each of us on a customized lesson plan. i'll let you grapple with the universalities, father mark. i don't believe those universalities are on my own lesson plans. just believing while i leave room for mistaken interpretations of the mysteries of that sneaky deek we call, "god."
seems to me that you've been insecure about your place in this world since you were just another california boy. seems. . . i could do the research by re-reading your journal entries from that far away existance, but it's not mine to sort.
Thanks Arfie! A good reminder!
Do you think it's the disorder that creeps in Mark to make you insecure at times?
Good question Jan! x