communing

a lot of the times I have a hard time interpreting what I am feeling.

I suppose that is why I so try so hard to distill and write about my experience.

I've called it 'emotional dyslexia' since like the early 00's.

Yesterday I thought about the idea that I really want to commune each

day with people I love. Communion and community.

I don't know if I am cut out for a significant other

or kids. In fact I'm pretty sure I am not. I am too variable and have needs

and an ability (or inability) to cope with them - that would complicate things

very much. Again though, I realize I do want to commune. Here in the United States

those communities as adults can be so quid pro quo.. and non organic.

I realize though in a sense that as adults we all have to systematize our community

to some degree. It's that we have and build a sense of community - but we're also helping

each other survive. Like a church community - and like a community of peers (if you're lucky

and strong.)

For me I think the monastery is that community for me, but paradoxically I am not very

religious or capable with religious exegisis.

I know I tend to want to make art out of much (if not all) of my experience and

uncovering that reality within me is also helping me answer the question

of what I am seeking. How to reasonably achieve or appreciate what I am seeking

and not to shoot myself in the foot by putting a foot wrong and being a joker.

Adult life. 

So I went to the Starbucks this morning, my usual on the weekend.

It seems that I have community by proxy. Buying my cup of coffee

for a little smile and recognition with someone who knows my name.

heh - Let's make it a good day!! :)