Communication

I'm finding this journal a really useful outlet to start to understand my symptoms, things I just consider "daily life". Something I've noticed I do a lot is "people watch" ie; at work, in a shop, even out in the street I'll just watch people talking. You know just to see how they do it, something completely alien with me.

I'll watch how they keep their conversation flowing, how eye contact is made throughout, a mixture of serious and laughter is incorporated into it to keep it interesting, how they think on their feet for things to say without planning it 1000000 times and lastly, how what they say makes their friend like them a little bit more.

I've studied it a lot. I just want to be like them. If someone comes over to me I freeze and don't know what to say, even if it's as simple as a stranger coming over to ask for directions. In public places if I see somebody I know I'll instantly hide just so I don't have the awkwardness. I can't keep that conversation flowing, I never know if I'm rambling on and boring someone so I keep it short - I must seem so ignorant.

I try too hard and it shows. I've suffered majorly at the hands of it. I don't have any real friends, everyone usually goes out without me from work and my friends don't bother inviting me out anymore as I'm "dramatic". 

Flashback to my childhood - I wasn't allowed to have my own opinion on anything. I wasn't allowed to get angry or upset or I was shamed for it; even more so if it was directed at my mother. It's hard, I feel empty. Like I have no personality or opinions. I'll bend over backwards just to get someone's image on me just to get that little bit more positive. I drove a 25 mile trip the once from work to drop someone off at home. Didn't get so much as a thank you and someone nearly wrote my car off on the way home (too bad they didn't, they had false plates so I got footed with a £1,500 bill).

I laugh, a lot. It's fake along with the smile that goes with it. I think people must pick up on it. Then I know if they don't have a smile back then I'm not doing such a good job. I can never think of things to say so I think of things prior to talking to someone I can throw in. I practise whilst straightening my hair, in the shower, on my way to work in the car...you name it. It scares me yes as it doesn't seem to happen to others.

Maybe someday I'll have my own personality and opinons. I must seem like such a pushover.