Communication

For sometime now i have been trying to figure out how to allow people into my own private hell, trying to reach out in the best way i know how, so I would put up a status on Facebook and hope people would reach out to me, people that are my friends and family, well that happened so rarely, i was starting to feel like no one gave a shit.   Then i got re connected with someone who helped me out as a teenager, and someone who i had all the respect for in the world.  I was so happy to finally have someone back in my life that i could talk to, and even ask for advice on faith and my spirituality, because that is how he helped me back in the past.  Well i was in for a very rude awakening, not only was he not the friend I remembered it felt like he was trying to be in a relationship that made me uncomfortable, he was drinking, and he was telling me how i should of been in Daytona, FL riding motorcycles on the beach, and i was together with my husband living in California.  He was drunk and he was making me so uncomfortable.  So i told him i wasn't going to talk to him anymore unless he was he was sober. And I grieved that another part of my past was somehow changing and that nothing was ever going to be the same, the people that got me through my teen years are not the people that can help me now, everything and everyone has changed. So yesterday I took a moment to myself and took a bubble bath, and i sat there contimplating my expereineces since Saturday.  First my so called best friend says she wants to die, and now this, it was more than i could handle i started to sob, and i cried and cried, i felt lost and alone and where was i to go.  My husband had heard me and came in, and we talked about everything that was going on, and for the rest of the afternoon i couldn't stop thinking about everything, then it hit me, i needed two things, i needed to figure out what part of my past I had to get rid of, and i needed to learn to communicate to people instead of facebook, trying to get people to care, so i deleted my facebook account, because i was avoiding everything else and just playing on facebook then when things got bad i was hoping someone would care, don't get me wrong some of my family did care but the friends i had on just ignored my cry for a shoulder or an ear.  So i am trying to communicate a different way.  I am going to try my best to log on here and use the support i have here because i know that i can recieve support here and there are people that do care. For as long as i can remember i have always been afraid of people leaving me abandoning me, if i really told them how I felt, and I have lived with a lot of anger, sadness and frustration, all my life, the weight i feel is great, so i am going to write letters to those most important in my life and allow my self to express myself, so that maybe some healing will come and maybe another line of communication will open, a more fofilling way of communication. And now i also need to seriously think about having certian people in my life, and if they just need to stay in my past as hard and difficult as that may be, so there was a big bright light that came on, and i'm going to do my damnest to try and start living life for enjoyment instead of fear of being forgotten lost or abandoned.