Coming to an understanding - yet AGAIN

Well, here I am checking in to this site again - - -and actually creating a journal entry!  It has been since last October - - I have been up and down with this again and still struggling.  I have to again come to grips with the fact that I CANNOT WIN!  Gambling is a losing proposition and though I am intelligent and successful in many areas of my life, this is not one of them.  I can't get it through my thick head, I guess. The word I'm thinking of finally is ACCEPTANCE.  I've always been a fighter and I keep fighting - - - actually the wrong cause.  I'm never going to win the "big" jackpot - - - I am out of this, as of NOW - very tired of the circle, again.  I know better and just have to permanently change and stop wasting my time!
As you can tell, I'm very unhappy with myself & though it doesn't happen too often, it did this weekend; all of my rational thinking went right out the window and I ended up there not one but two times, trying to win back losses.  It's so ridiculous - just hate myself for it and enough of this self-pity.  I'll just pick up again TODAY and start again.
I will attend a GA meeting Wednesday night and see if I feel any better... this has just got to STOP forever... it's so stupid and disgusting to me; even the people; there was a man there yesterday who was so rude to me I can't begin to tell you and I see all of the less than happy people around me.  I don't belong there and know it; I'm kicking this addiction FOR GOOD... I'm done - whatever it takes to get rid of it I will do it this time. 
I'm embarrassed writing this - still - it has been about three years since I found this site and I still haven't solved the problem... today I feel ashamed and angry with myself, which I know will get me nowhere fast.  :]
On to more positive thoughts - today I WILL NOT GAMBLE! ODAAT
Smokeygirl