Coming out of OZ
What a tornado of a ride these past few days have been. I feel like "There's no place like home." Hahaha! Unfortunately, what I went through was actually very traumatic. Things kept coming up while my daughter was here. With the PTSD I had such a huge struggle to stay present and not cut.
The first episode happened when we were visiting my brother and we were looking at old photo albums of my mom. I saw a photo of one of my abusers. All alarms went off in my body. I fought cutting myself that night and promised myself that when my daughter left I would do it then.
The second episode happened the next day when my daughter's friend came to visit with her child. Seeing the child brought me back to my childhood at that age and the flash backs of discust just overwhemed me like tropical storm and the body memories were more than I could handle. Yet, I reminded myself once again that when my daughter was gone I could cut.
She left on the 3rd. That night I was so numb that I did not even shed a tear saying good-bye. Fought the body memories all night long with the idea of getting a knife from the kitchen to take control of the pain.
On the 4th I lost most of the morning and afternoon till about 3ish. One of my personalities came out and hid in the closet. She was afraid of the memories and afraid of me, because she did not want me to stab her. The only reason I knew it was her was because she is the only one who hides in the closet. I was so consumed by these memories all I wanted to do was act out.
I finally gave in and called my therapist. She reminded me that that was a long time ago. It is not happening today. I am safe and ok right now. I needed to focus on the present. My abusers where not here today, but Jesus is. If I choose to give Him my memories He would weep with me. Doing so brought so much sorrow to the present but when I realized how broken He was for me to have had to endure the wickedness of mankind's freewill gone mad His compassion comforted my broken soul.
Did I still feel like dying or acting out? Yes! However, I continued to bring Him these desires.
So, here I am today home again from OZ and those wicked monkeys are left there behind and surrendered to the great physician, my Lord, my savior Jesus Christ. I know this is one of many issues that will come up, but I have finally realized that leaning on the Lord is my salvation and hope! Along with the kindness of my friends I think I awkwardly got through this one! I just pray I can remember this process again in the future.
Hope you all had a blessed 4th!
Exhausted and heavy hearted,
Jessy
The first episode happened when we were visiting my brother and we were looking at old photo albums of my mom. I saw a photo of one of my abusers. All alarms went off in my body. I fought cutting myself that night and promised myself that when my daughter left I would do it then.
The second episode happened the next day when my daughter's friend came to visit with her child. Seeing the child brought me back to my childhood at that age and the flash backs of discust just overwhemed me like tropical storm and the body memories were more than I could handle. Yet, I reminded myself once again that when my daughter was gone I could cut.
She left on the 3rd. That night I was so numb that I did not even shed a tear saying good-bye. Fought the body memories all night long with the idea of getting a knife from the kitchen to take control of the pain.
On the 4th I lost most of the morning and afternoon till about 3ish. One of my personalities came out and hid in the closet. She was afraid of the memories and afraid of me, because she did not want me to stab her. The only reason I knew it was her was because she is the only one who hides in the closet. I was so consumed by these memories all I wanted to do was act out.
I finally gave in and called my therapist. She reminded me that that was a long time ago. It is not happening today. I am safe and ok right now. I needed to focus on the present. My abusers where not here today, but Jesus is. If I choose to give Him my memories He would weep with me. Doing so brought so much sorrow to the present but when I realized how broken He was for me to have had to endure the wickedness of mankind's freewill gone mad His compassion comforted my broken soul.
Did I still feel like dying or acting out? Yes! However, I continued to bring Him these desires.
So, here I am today home again from OZ and those wicked monkeys are left there behind and surrendered to the great physician, my Lord, my savior Jesus Christ. I know this is one of many issues that will come up, but I have finally realized that leaning on the Lord is my salvation and hope! Along with the kindness of my friends I think I awkwardly got through this one! I just pray I can remember this process again in the future.
Hope you all had a blessed 4th!
Exhausted and heavy hearted,
Jessy
Replies
I am proud of you for pressing through this difficult time. Sending hugs and prayers your way.
What strength you have shown through such a difficult time. I am very proud that you did not give in to the temptation to cut and handed everything over to God. Going through something like this is exhausting and heavy hearted. Get some good rest, take care of yourself and regain your strength back.I can see God sitting next to you during this difficult time and saying no Jessica you are my child keep yourself safe from harm. Hugs
your post and the point you make of having Jesus through all this is amazing to me. Thanks for sharing it.
Welcome home. My monkeys are all far distant memories now. You mentioned body memories, I cant tell you how many times I used that term to describe...the horrors perpetrated against me.
I am so glad you called your therapist. God is our only hope. He has brought me to abundant blessings from a place similar to yours. I am certain He will do the same for you. My prayers are with you and for you.
May God\'s peace and comfort be with you.