Coming home

I brought my only love of my life home last night in an urn. Damn cancer. I never expected to bring her home that way. We thought we had almost licked the cancer when they got it all with a lumpectomy. Some lymph nodes affected but the Dr. said it was no problem, the chemo, radiation and hormone treatment has good results, something like 80-90%. Damn chemo. Nobody knew she would have an allergic reaction to the chemo. My poor baby's hands and feet got rashes on them that looked like they had been burned. This happened after the second course. I wish we had been smart enough to have stopped the treatment. We wanted to make sure it didn't come back so we pushed on. After the 4th course of chemo the rash came back and also a shortness of breath. After a bunch of tests that were negative they wanted to do a bronchoscopy to see what was affecting her lungs. She was only supposed to be on a ventilator for 2 days. She was on it for 27 and never got off. I wish I had been able to talk to her and her to me. I am profoundly sad because of that. I feel like I let her down. She was a nurse for 30 years and was afraid to go on the tube, she said "you know some people never get off of them once they get on them". I cry every night remembering those words just before she had the procedure. In the end they think the damage that was caused to her lungs was a toxicity from the chemo or the breast cancer spread rapidly in the lungs.
I know there was nothing i could have done, but I will never forget her taking her last breaths, my holding her hand and whispering in her ear that its ok to let go, you did all you could and I love you with all my heart forever.