Coming back down to Earth.
Good Morning,
I went back & read my long vent from the other day. Sometimes we need to stop, drop and roll. We may not look like we are on fire, but when we get like that WE ARE ON FIRE!
Inflammation, pain, bone crushing fatigue, 94 degree body temp........and then life not coming to a screeching halt just for me........small smile.........smaller sigh. Problems become AMPLIFIED, frustrating.
At one point while talking to one customer service rep in particular I cried out, "Christ Jesus, help me ........ remove this foolish child's voice from my ear!" It sounded ridiculous, but in that moment, I was just some triple old school lady frustrated beyond normal parameters. Lost it, not proud of it, just sayin'. I did get to talk to an actual supervisor after that.........I was on hold when I said that ... in case you worry that I am completely bonkers.......God reeled me back in......!!!!
The supervisor is going to get my name corrected, watch for my payment and send me a letter confirming everything. She apologized for the problems they are having as they update their system. The problems will hopefully be corrected by 12/20 of this year........and she also promised to waive any late fee the company may try to impose since they can't seem to locate my payment YET. And she is going to call me to follow up. There are well trained people there if you can just find one, this lady's last name is "Justice".........that made me smile for real. I felt that she will do what she says..........please let my trust be well placed.......I felt the internal storm dissipate and felt calm again. Have to say that I love it when God is so literal when I am so brain foggy! I wanted justice and he gave me an actual person named Justice.......what are the odds? God I love you!
Being able to vent helps me let off steam like an old whistling tea pot. Once I let it out, have a cry or two..........rest, then I simmer down for a while. God parked me here to be still and quiet. He has again been trying to get my attention to listen to him, to his direction, to his purpose for my life. Reminding me to live in the moment, to have perspective. To be compassionate of myself so I can be kind and thoughtful with others.Not my will but His.........when illness and life get to me hard......I am an overwrought fussy, distraught squalling baby. I don't understand in that moment, I don't have it inside me to be patient all the time. Pretty speak calls it "being a work in progress."
We push and we push. We can't leave our own bodies. We can't check in and check out like we're a hotel. We can't borrow ourselves from the library for a while and then return ourselves to the shelf. We can't hide the parts that hurt in the trunk of a car like some wild & crazy Mafioso, like 'ol Pidgeon Tony or Frankie Two Toes ........I am anti cement, anti East River action........those boys can take a hike!
I can pray. I can slow down and pray. I can let off some steam and get back on track. A bad day doesn't mean I am a fail, it means I am human. That's all......
So often we don't realize how much we expect of our bodies. How hard it is to cycle upwards after being so ill and not realizing we are still circling the flare.
Not making room in our day for the reality of pain, fatigue.........sounds funny since every step is impacted by illness. How can we not know when we live it EVERY DAY? And yet time after time, I really don't make room for it. I push to be up, then I push to be prone, then I push to cook. I push to do chores, I push to pay bills. I even push to come online with ya'll so I can feel a bit of normal.
And I need me some normal.........feels essential like air. I am a very pushy broad sometimes.........I keep pushing one way or another and pretty soon the whistling noise on that boiling teapot makes it's shrill noise. Remember that song "Under Pressure?" With a good vent usually comes some rain clouds too......after the weep I think what is up with me? And then I know, I am not praying and talking to God enough.......I need to slow down and get back on the path with God.
My life is pretty informal here......LOL! God does not expect me to kneel, he knows I would probably get stuck in that position, that I can kneel in my heart.......he doesn't need me to dress up or dust first or have anything even remotely perfect first.......I can just talk to Him....tell him my troubles and he listens. When we are still and quiet we can begin to process what is going on, what is wrong, why we feel so overwrought and distraught. Being ill is no picnic......life has speed bumps........being patient, finding self-compassion is wonderful, but let's face it, we can get out of alignment just like any good, steady, reliable vehicle.........sometimes we gotta let off some steam or as my friend Grace says, "We will burst!"There is much in life to be thankful for.............to have the luxury to complain, to vent........is such a blessing in and of itself.
Love ya'll!
P.S. I am having a wisdom tooth removed on Monday at 1:30, if you could add a small prayer up for this scaredy cat patient.........thank you!
I went back & read my long vent from the other day. Sometimes we need to stop, drop and roll. We may not look like we are on fire, but when we get like that WE ARE ON FIRE!
Inflammation, pain, bone crushing fatigue, 94 degree body temp........and then life not coming to a screeching halt just for me........small smile.........smaller sigh. Problems become AMPLIFIED, frustrating.
At one point while talking to one customer service rep in particular I cried out, "Christ Jesus, help me ........ remove this foolish child's voice from my ear!" It sounded ridiculous, but in that moment, I was just some triple old school lady frustrated beyond normal parameters. Lost it, not proud of it, just sayin'. I did get to talk to an actual supervisor after that.........I was on hold when I said that ... in case you worry that I am completely bonkers.......God reeled me back in......!!!!
The supervisor is going to get my name corrected, watch for my payment and send me a letter confirming everything. She apologized for the problems they are having as they update their system. The problems will hopefully be corrected by 12/20 of this year........and she also promised to waive any late fee the company may try to impose since they can't seem to locate my payment YET. And she is going to call me to follow up. There are well trained people there if you can just find one, this lady's last name is "Justice".........that made me smile for real. I felt that she will do what she says..........please let my trust be well placed.......I felt the internal storm dissipate and felt calm again. Have to say that I love it when God is so literal when I am so brain foggy! I wanted justice and he gave me an actual person named Justice.......what are the odds? God I love you!
Being able to vent helps me let off steam like an old whistling tea pot. Once I let it out, have a cry or two..........rest, then I simmer down for a while. God parked me here to be still and quiet. He has again been trying to get my attention to listen to him, to his direction, to his purpose for my life. Reminding me to live in the moment, to have perspective. To be compassionate of myself so I can be kind and thoughtful with others.Not my will but His.........when illness and life get to me hard......I am an overwrought fussy, distraught squalling baby. I don't understand in that moment, I don't have it inside me to be patient all the time. Pretty speak calls it "being a work in progress."
We push and we push. We can't leave our own bodies. We can't check in and check out like we're a hotel. We can't borrow ourselves from the library for a while and then return ourselves to the shelf. We can't hide the parts that hurt in the trunk of a car like some wild & crazy Mafioso, like 'ol Pidgeon Tony or Frankie Two Toes ........I am anti cement, anti East River action........those boys can take a hike!
I can pray. I can slow down and pray. I can let off some steam and get back on track. A bad day doesn't mean I am a fail, it means I am human. That's all......
So often we don't realize how much we expect of our bodies. How hard it is to cycle upwards after being so ill and not realizing we are still circling the flare.
Not making room in our day for the reality of pain, fatigue.........sounds funny since every step is impacted by illness. How can we not know when we live it EVERY DAY? And yet time after time, I really don't make room for it. I push to be up, then I push to be prone, then I push to cook. I push to do chores, I push to pay bills. I even push to come online with ya'll so I can feel a bit of normal.
And I need me some normal.........feels essential like air. I am a very pushy broad sometimes.........I keep pushing one way or another and pretty soon the whistling noise on that boiling teapot makes it's shrill noise. Remember that song "Under Pressure?" With a good vent usually comes some rain clouds too......after the weep I think what is up with me? And then I know, I am not praying and talking to God enough.......I need to slow down and get back on the path with God.
My life is pretty informal here......LOL! God does not expect me to kneel, he knows I would probably get stuck in that position, that I can kneel in my heart.......he doesn't need me to dress up or dust first or have anything even remotely perfect first.......I can just talk to Him....tell him my troubles and he listens. When we are still and quiet we can begin to process what is going on, what is wrong, why we feel so overwrought and distraught. Being ill is no picnic......life has speed bumps........being patient, finding self-compassion is wonderful, but let's face it, we can get out of alignment just like any good, steady, reliable vehicle.........sometimes we gotta let off some steam or as my friend Grace says, "We will burst!"There is much in life to be thankful for.............to have the luxury to complain, to vent........is such a blessing in and of itself.
Love ya'll!
P.S. I am having a wisdom tooth removed on Monday at 1:30, if you could add a small prayer up for this scaredy cat patient.........thank you!
Replies
Praying for you Ruth on Monday\'s dental appt. my son had a wisdom tooth pulled a few wks ago. He was nervous too, but it was fine. He had soreness for a few days. I\'ll be praying at 1:30 that all goes well. Remember to breath. Love & gentle hugs xo
praying for you, too, Ruth. Had several teeth pulled last year and lots of stress over it but I healed well, here\'s hoping you will too. Praying too that they will be gentle with you :)
I LOVED THS JOURNAL! I could have written it myself. In fact, I think that somewhere along the line. Chronic illness includes such lovelies as pain, insomnia, pain, disappointment, pain, infections, brain fog, inability to be mobile, pain, separation from friends and family. OH YEA, we NEED to vent it out. And don\'t ever apologize for it either, Ruthie.
We are but dust. With pain and sorrow. And God knows our hearts. I LOVED the part about you losing it with the customer service person. Apparently, they weren\'t doing their job properly, and management is going to take over. But I can FEEL how frustrated you were with that woman!!!
I cry sometimes at night. Well often, actually. Just laying here, unable to sleep, belly hurts, heart thumping in my throat, unable to tolerate meds that could help me, and ya can\'t help wanting to ask God why! Accoridng to Dr. Stanely, you SHOULD ask God \"why me\" \"why this thing\".....Paul did! And God did not remove his thorn. So I don\'t ask \"why me\". Kinda scared to. I know that GOD knows \"why me\" it\'s in His plan book, and I\'m gonna just go along with it. Rather not have any days outside of His will. Nothing could be worse. If this is my \"thorn\" so be it. Gimme grace, Jesus! Please.
You rant, and vent, and snuggle up with Annie and Rio, and make silly foods to eat that give you comfort, and come here and share with us, like you always do.
Praying that Mondy, God will give scardey cat YOU, some peace about your dental visit. I ain\'t gonna harp on dentistry. I\'m terrified of the little buggers. But you will be ok. I\'ll ask God right now, to be with you on Monday. Remember that when you\'re sittin in that stupid chair. There\'s room for God in the room too. Hang in Ruthie....we\'re just dust, that\'s all. He don\'t expect much, He knows we can\'t take it. We have to cry out to Him. That\'s what He wants.