comfort
As tired as I am today I couldn't nap. I didn't want to be home today. I still don't want to be home, but I have nowhere to go. My sister's still not answering the phone. Let me be self-centered here, but I think this is harder on ME. I'm getting really fed up with her.
I ended up running around all day--moving stuff from one place to another--dropping stuff at Goodwill. I ended up taking the 3 bags of Leslie's clothing I had and put it in the new storage unit--I want to go through it when I have more time. Maybe save some of the items or fabric.
When I had no more running around to do I still didn't want to be home so I went to a couple of stores just to walk around and not be alone. I was in Marshalls and there was this giant teddy bear sitting on a bench. I just went and snuggled with that bear--I didn't care that people looked at me funny. If anyone said anything I probably would have burst into tears and yelled at them. But for a little while I had someone to cuddle.
I'm home now--comfort food night--hot dogs, mac and cheese and a big glass of wine. I still feel all out of sorts from today. I don't know what to do with myself--part of me wants to do something, but part of me just wants to be in bed and feel miserable. I don't what I want. I just want everything to be right again. I don't know if things will ever be right again. I don't know if I'll ever be happy again. I don't know why all this crap is happening to me! I want my daughter! I want her here. I don't want to do this anymore.
I admit, today, not for the first time, I thought about ending it all. I think about it. As I've told my therapist, it's a good thing I don't have a gun. Not that I'd go out and get one, but if I had one here I can see me using it in the moment. But then my son would be an orphan and an only child. I wouldn't do that, but my mind goes there sometimes.
I want to sleep. Oddly, even though I only got a few hours sleep last night I'm not sleepy. I'm wound up today. Maybe I should take a bath or something. I don't know. I'm not a huge fan of baths. I just want to feel OK again. I just want this all to go away. I don't care how--just go away.
I booked myself for a long weekend away later in October. I was planning on doing this before Leslie got really sick and ended up cancelling it. I'll probably cancel it this time as well, but for now, it's out there. I can cancel it up to 48 hrs before. We'll see. It's there if I want.
Seeing the bereavement counselor on Monday. Odd the things you look forward to........
Replies
Sue, of course this is harder on you!!! I'm sorry your sister isn't answering the phone or calling you, or visiting with you; I just don't get it. But then again, it wasn't my family who came running to comfort me. I mean, they were there, sometimes, and I knew I could call and they'd answer, but my comfort in my darkest hour came from the strangers I met here. The other moms who'd read and respond to my journals. FMO moms saved me from destroying myself. Truth!
Everything you mention, I've felt. And like you, I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life without my daughter here on this earth with me. It was too much to even consider. The pain was too great, the loss too big, the emptiness too vast. But I kept writing, kept sharing, kept screaming and crying, and kept getting out of bed every single day and doing "something". Maybe take a walk, maybe take a drive, maybe just sit in a different chair that day, but something to make myself MOVE.
Learning how to envelope this pain into your life without it destroying you is the hardest work you'll ever do. But you CAN do this! I promise you CAN do this! I searched for someone, anyone on this planet, who'd survived and found LIFE again. I knew if I could find just one, it would give me hope that I too could survive. That's how and why I found this site. I was desperate to find hope, even when I was aching to die. I pray I can offer hope to you and to others.
Keep taking good care of yourself, see your therapist, try to sleep and make sure you eat and stay hydrated, and just simply don't ask too much of yourself each day. This is a long journey toward healing. It won't come quickly or easily, but the healing process has already begun and will continue for the rest of your earthly life.
I wish you peace, comfort, strength and much love~
Teri
Oh Sue, I understand. This is harder on you - you are Leslie's mother! My family wasn't my biggest support when Eddie passed either. Not even close. FMO moms, a couple of friends, my husband (he's not Ed's Dad, 2nd marriage) but he loved Ed, my grief counselor were my supports & my faith.
I didn't want to end my life exactly but it sure was hard to be alive. When I drove sometimes I would think about self-harm but like you, I didn't want to hurt others who were missing Ed. His children, who were adolescents at the time, did not need another tragedy.
They needed my support.
As Teri said, don't expect to much of yourself. Be as kind and gentle on yourself as possible. I couldn't string two words together at first or plan for more than a few minutes ahead. Then the minutes turn into hours, days, weeks & we decide we will survive.
Gentle hugs one mom to another. ♡