Combination Entry: I wish and I wonder
This will be the last journal entry I do probably until the end of the week. Before any of you panic, the reason why is that I need to catch up with several people both on and off DS, including my psych and my social worker, who I need to e-mail tonight. So this entry will be a combination: A couple of "I wish" thoughts that didn't really come out last night, and a couple of "I wonder" thoughts that feel like me grasping at straws, because I just don't know what to do.
With that in mind: I'm not feeling suicidal, but last night's entry was...very hard for me to get out. So if you feel I'm in trouble or suspect as much -- because it's possible that I may well be but not really know it with my brain running on fumes today -- after reading this entry or the previous one, you have my permission to mention me on the boards. If you do, please use my screen name only, and also mention that I tend to shy away from the boards because I often fear that I have nothing intelligent to say and so will just come off as stupid.
So here goes. I wish...
...that my nightmares would stop trying to fight back by becoming daymares (distress while awake). Because now, they've gone from interrupting my sleep to making it very hard for me to fall asleep. Nobody has to tell me I'm riding a heavy sleep debt these days, so this seriously concerns me.
...that I felt like I really wanted to open up to a professional sooner than I have. It's been a year since I graduated with an AS in paralegal studies, and I've basically let it rot to the point that it's probably useless now. The fears about trusting the unfamiliar are paralyzing me.
I wonder...
...if you knew any tricks to start doing something fun again without having any fear of an addiction relapse, because it seems that I get addicted to everything I try that isn't drugs or alcohol...would you share them? Or at least try to help me find one?
...since I sometimes amuse my co-workers by doing voice impersonations of my favorite lines from various video games and pinball machines...if I did a video of some of them...would you watch?
...if I tried to do something silly on the boards, like, say, start a thread of one-liners...so long as it's clean and isn't intended to trigger...would that be inappropriate, since it technically doesn't count as me working through my issues?
With that in mind: I'm not feeling suicidal, but last night's entry was...very hard for me to get out. So if you feel I'm in trouble or suspect as much -- because it's possible that I may well be but not really know it with my brain running on fumes today -- after reading this entry or the previous one, you have my permission to mention me on the boards. If you do, please use my screen name only, and also mention that I tend to shy away from the boards because I often fear that I have nothing intelligent to say and so will just come off as stupid.
So here goes. I wish...
...that my nightmares would stop trying to fight back by becoming daymares (distress while awake). Because now, they've gone from interrupting my sleep to making it very hard for me to fall asleep. Nobody has to tell me I'm riding a heavy sleep debt these days, so this seriously concerns me.
...that I felt like I really wanted to open up to a professional sooner than I have. It's been a year since I graduated with an AS in paralegal studies, and I've basically let it rot to the point that it's probably useless now. The fears about trusting the unfamiliar are paralyzing me.
I wonder...
...if you knew any tricks to start doing something fun again without having any fear of an addiction relapse, because it seems that I get addicted to everything I try that isn't drugs or alcohol...would you share them? Or at least try to help me find one?
...since I sometimes amuse my co-workers by doing voice impersonations of my favorite lines from various video games and pinball machines...if I did a video of some of them...would you watch?
...if I tried to do something silly on the boards, like, say, start a thread of one-liners...so long as it's clean and isn't intended to trigger...would that be inappropriate, since it technically doesn't count as me working through my issues?
Replies
I was happy to read you have a social worker. I hope that is helping you?! Do you have a really nice pdoc? I hope so! You could never come off as saying something \"stupid\" as you say. You have well, thought out ideas and are very helpful to your friends. But I must admit I too shy away from the boards a lot of the time. Not getting enough sleep is cause for concern. Your body is not getting the healing time it needs to rejuvenate for the next day. Can you take something for sleep? I take Seroquel for sleep and I still have some nights trouble sleeping. Maybe something just for the short term or long too? Do you find any games or something similar you can play that aren\'t too addicting? I just started playing that silly game plants vs zombies. It just helps you forget stuff for a short while and give your brain a break from all the hurt that goes round n round. Oh and now I just read about doing voice impersonations of various games. I think that sounds pretty neat! And of course I\'d watch. You could do that on the boards. Many people have started posts to make it fun and take a break from everything. I think that\'s a great idea!!
I\'m sorry you aren\'t doing so well. If your suicidal thoughts get any worse, please tell your counselor, call a hotline, and/or pm me. We all want you to be safe.
You really need to work on stress management techniques. Listening to music and singing is good. Breathing exercises and meditation. Exercising and going for a walk would also be nice. And, spending time with our pets does wonders. Don\'t you have that beautiful cocktatiel to cuddle and play with?
Are you taking any medication for anxiety? My doctor put me on valium, and I think it\'s helping somewhat.
Of course, we\'d love to watch your voice impressions. ;)
It\'s okay to post that on the main board. Everyone does. It\'s where you get the most replies, anyway.