College: Force & Betrayal
At my meeting tonight I was told that people fear me. Fear me... How can I process such a horrible thing?
1. I would NEVER hurt anyone. Who would say such a horrible thing? Rexy maybe? Does she really feel that I would ever do anything to other people or her? No matter how hurt and betrayed I feel, I still admire her in the same matter. She's a beautiful woman who is genius in her writing and everything else that she does. Is it because of the decision I had to make considering my love? She now believes I would hurt others? She doesn't even know what happened or my thought process involving the situation. Physically my chest is burning from the horrible way in which I was cornered and spoken to. I never should have broken down with her but things happened and I still don't know how to cope. I'm beyond flawed and I can't help it. I never should have asked for help but I did and I agreed to get help but the Asylum does NOT help me. Was I to lie to everyone and say she was? I never should have given myself permission to feel emotion again and I did. For all of this I am in the wrong. I will never say that I regretted being a friend to her because I never would. I needed a friend but I myself am not needed as such a friend. That's what hurts so deeply. The college system tries to break down unique people who don't want to fit into a uniform thought process and make them into a uniform being. Feel nothing. Say nothing. Be nothing. Don't express your pain. Do what your told and understand that you are still in anther's control. They've broken me completely into a forcible state of being. I was told that I was irresponsible and that it makes no sense that I would lose my medications, but I did. I've been out of it but there was no cause to be so heartless and rude.
2. I'm NOT suicidal, but no one bothered to ask about it either. Okay, I cut again. I'm human and I relapse. It wasn't because of Rexy or Asylum, it's because I'm so overwhelmed. It wasn't an attempt to die, and it wasn't because of Rexy. This is the only way in which I have learned to feel and to cope because I don't know what other actions to take. They said I wasn't looking into therapy when I was. I have a list of names and numbers but no one can see me at home to know what I do. But I was told what I'm not doing which is a complete lie. I was told that I'm not doing exactly what I AM doing. No one understands that pushing me so hard is so bad for me because I can't process when people won't let me process. NOT because I am going to lash out and hurt someone but because it hits my PTSD triggers as well as my panic triggers and it overwhelms me. It hurts me physically but no one can feel what I do.
3. I was cornered and wasn't being listened to. Anything I said would be interrupted with brutal intent. I was told that I was just making excuses but I'm not. No one knows the half of what has happened to me this week and I should never be cornered by anyone. Especially not a man with such a harsh voice. It didn't matter what I said tonight so I shut down. I'm being forced into a state that I shouldn't be forced into.
4. I felt trapped and instead of going home to drink, I went to a meeting. But no one will notice what it's taking in me to stay here. I've been crying all night and this is going to be an EXTREMELY hard night. I was forced to call for a mental evaluation in front of them. It's humiliating! I have to have them send them a fax of my personal information which is against the law, but I want everyone off of my back so bad. No, I'm NOT okay. I'm hurt, I've been betrayed, I'm hated, and revenge has been set in motion against me. I could hear the man huffing and puffing in the background because it was taking so long to get a hold of anyone. At that point in time I didn't know what to do and how could I?
I just don't understand anymore. How am I supposed to feel?
Feeling: Defeated
1. I would NEVER hurt anyone. Who would say such a horrible thing? Rexy maybe? Does she really feel that I would ever do anything to other people or her? No matter how hurt and betrayed I feel, I still admire her in the same matter. She's a beautiful woman who is genius in her writing and everything else that she does. Is it because of the decision I had to make considering my love? She now believes I would hurt others? She doesn't even know what happened or my thought process involving the situation. Physically my chest is burning from the horrible way in which I was cornered and spoken to. I never should have broken down with her but things happened and I still don't know how to cope. I'm beyond flawed and I can't help it. I never should have asked for help but I did and I agreed to get help but the Asylum does NOT help me. Was I to lie to everyone and say she was? I never should have given myself permission to feel emotion again and I did. For all of this I am in the wrong. I will never say that I regretted being a friend to her because I never would. I needed a friend but I myself am not needed as such a friend. That's what hurts so deeply. The college system tries to break down unique people who don't want to fit into a uniform thought process and make them into a uniform being. Feel nothing. Say nothing. Be nothing. Don't express your pain. Do what your told and understand that you are still in anther's control. They've broken me completely into a forcible state of being. I was told that I was irresponsible and that it makes no sense that I would lose my medications, but I did. I've been out of it but there was no cause to be so heartless and rude.
2. I'm NOT suicidal, but no one bothered to ask about it either. Okay, I cut again. I'm human and I relapse. It wasn't because of Rexy or Asylum, it's because I'm so overwhelmed. It wasn't an attempt to die, and it wasn't because of Rexy. This is the only way in which I have learned to feel and to cope because I don't know what other actions to take. They said I wasn't looking into therapy when I was. I have a list of names and numbers but no one can see me at home to know what I do. But I was told what I'm not doing which is a complete lie. I was told that I'm not doing exactly what I AM doing. No one understands that pushing me so hard is so bad for me because I can't process when people won't let me process. NOT because I am going to lash out and hurt someone but because it hits my PTSD triggers as well as my panic triggers and it overwhelms me. It hurts me physically but no one can feel what I do.
3. I was cornered and wasn't being listened to. Anything I said would be interrupted with brutal intent. I was told that I was just making excuses but I'm not. No one knows the half of what has happened to me this week and I should never be cornered by anyone. Especially not a man with such a harsh voice. It didn't matter what I said tonight so I shut down. I'm being forced into a state that I shouldn't be forced into.
4. I felt trapped and instead of going home to drink, I went to a meeting. But no one will notice what it's taking in me to stay here. I've been crying all night and this is going to be an EXTREMELY hard night. I was forced to call for a mental evaluation in front of them. It's humiliating! I have to have them send them a fax of my personal information which is against the law, but I want everyone off of my back so bad. No, I'm NOT okay. I'm hurt, I've been betrayed, I'm hated, and revenge has been set in motion against me. I could hear the man huffing and puffing in the background because it was taking so long to get a hold of anyone. At that point in time I didn't know what to do and how could I?
I just don't understand anymore. How am I supposed to feel?
Feeling: Defeated
Replies
Sorry to hear you are in such a bad space. When I feel like a mess emotionally I like to pamper myself physically. It\'s not much I know but every bit helps. Try soaking in the tub and doing stuff to help yourself relax. I like to do my nails & a pedicure. The worse I feel the more effort goes into how I look. So I might feel like crap but I look good at least.
Sorry to hear you are in such a bad space. When I feel like a mess emotionally I like to pamper myself physically. It\'s not much I know but every bit helps. Try soaking in the tub and doing stuff to help yourself relax. I like to do my nails & a pedicure. The worse I feel the more effort goes into how I look. So I might feel like crap but I look good at least.
Thank you, I will try it.