Coldness and Emptiness
I just returned from spending the weekend with him. I feel wasted, like I just escaped from an icy-refrigerator. I was kept just warm enough to survive, but so cold I became numb. I have returned home only to be fighting with my roommate (who never liked my ex and who thinks I am abandoning her- simply because I want my own independence).
I feel like I am stuck in a tumultuous sea- made worse because it is of my own doing...
When I look back at this weekend, it all seems like a carefully laid plan to ensnare me again. The reply saying he was dying... The long carefully worded message about how much he loved and cared about me, about how I gave him a majority of the happy memories he has... All of it seems carefully orchestrated to get me to feel loss of him, the potential of never being able to talk to him again, a way to break through to me, to break down my defenses so that he could get close to me again and mind-fuck me over for what I did to him by leaving.
After he sent me the message, he wouldn't respond to my calls or my messages for almost 30mins. Enough time to let my mind run wild. Brain tumor. Cancer. Heart Failure. The longer I had to wait, the more my mind had a chance to run. I began thinking about him dying all alone, with no one to take care of him, I thought about never being able to say, and truthfully, hear, the things I have been longing to say and hear for so long now. I felt I was on the very edge of hope that maybe, just maybe, his dying would actually wake him up! Then I caught myself...
I remembered how he talked to me about 'high emotions', his need for drama, came down heavy... It seemed to dramatic to be real, but just wild and crazy enough that maybe, just maybe it could be true- and if it was, I owed to myself to be the kind of person I knew I was in a situation like this... Kind, caring, compassionate and firm about my boundaries.
I was already on this train of thought when he answered me. I was prepared for his veiled answer. I already knew I would have to go down there to know the truth, and ultimately I couldn't live with myself if there was even a chance he was serious about dying.
He clearly anticipated this reaction, that I would come down to see him and not take no for answer... He claimed he 'over-exaggerated' to keep me away from him, to scare me off... However, I don't know one kind, compassionate person who would run the other way when someone they loved told them they were dying. He clearly knew this about me. He knew I would come running, and when I did he made sure he was there with open arms.
What he didn't anticipate was my cynical and teasing reaction to it. How I already suspected it was all BS!!! The motherfucker thought I wouldn't see through his lies!!! I still cannot believe that...
But it was enough to make me think, really think, about what life would be like without him. How I would miss certain things about him, how his veiled references to his 'happy' memories would make me remember my own. It was a bitter-sweet concoction of loss, grief, happy memories, hope and relief. And of course, confusion. The perfect cocktail to make me agree to give him another chance- even an itty-bitty slim-window of a chance for him to weasel his way back into my life.
I agreed to spend the weekend with him, on a couple of conditions... There would be no fighting about my work, no veiled insinuations that I am sleeping with another, no asking if I am, no discussions of the future and that we should live as we would in day-to-day life. I knew that this weekend he would be on his very best behavior to try not to lose me, and frankly I wanted to see what it was like- and if I am really honest with myself, I wanted to see if it was worth it.
He has always dangled marriage as the carrot at the end of the stick for me... I was like a depraved bunny-rabbit, starved for affection, constantly chasing after him.
When I left, the carrot's parrot lost effect. I realized I never cared if I was married, because the only thing that mattered was my relationship with myself. *POOF* the carrot went up in smoke.
I wanted to know if I really loved him, or if it was his approval, his acceptance and his love that I wanted. I was right about it being the latter... I wanted all the things from him I was never giving myself.
Truth be told, I am still a little bit hung up on feeling accepted. I feel a lot of the same emotions around my ex that I feel around my dad... As if he was constantly judging me and that no matter what I did, I always came up short. The message was loud and clear, I wasn't good enough. My ex takes that feeling and uses it to suit his own needs.
I won't go into specifics, as I much too tired... But I was left feeling ignored, left out, like I was toy and something he was trying desperately hard to entertain! Basically, like I was his favorite dolly that his mom threatened to give away if he didn't take better care of me. I felt about as inhuman in his eyes.
I even cleaned up his dog poop and he didn't even thank me! He was too busy yelling at the dog... Who could have given a shit- literally!! I did the dishes and made the bed too (because I was bored from being ignored while he worked) and he still didn't even say thank you!
I finally gave up at the end of the day today and told him I was leaving... His response? 'I had such a great weekend with you! No drama or upset emotions! It was really nice.' His emotional disconnect amazes me...
However, I must say that he really didn't see me being upset, because I was beyond caring anymore. I should also let it be known that despite his cold, indifferent attitude, I still did what I wanted to do anyhow. I watched the shows I wanted to watch, went to bed when I wanted to, didn't have sex, all things I would have never done before.
When I got in the car, I asked myself that if this had been a guy I was dating now and this was our first weekend together (as it was for my ex and I in a way- we never had boundaries before and always ended up fighting), would I go out with him again. The answer is no... Why? Because he was too self-absorbed to notice I was bored or to care, because he was pushy about our plans for the evening and because generally I wasn't interested.
We had nothing to talk about once we agreed to not fight... Great sign for a relationship, huh? So much of our initial attraction was because we bonded over family horror stories. I wasn't talking to my family then and neither was he. We would sit outside and talk for hours about how we felt.
One more thing... I was listening to the music on his Ipod today and I was amazed at how much of it was about emotions, about loss, love and about love not being worth the pain. A lot the time, the singers were singing about suppressing their love for a person. It was dark and had a weight to it, a heft. I began to think maybe that is him buried under the surface.
A lot of pain and no way to express it.
I would have cared before, but I don't care any longer. It isn't my problem to fix.
I am still so incredibly angry at him for pulling this stunt.
I did do one important thing for me today... I began working on a credentialing process that will hopefully allow me to expand my business so that I can fund more of my dreams! I am eager to get started on the rest of my life!
I feel like I am stuck in a tumultuous sea- made worse because it is of my own doing...
When I look back at this weekend, it all seems like a carefully laid plan to ensnare me again. The reply saying he was dying... The long carefully worded message about how much he loved and cared about me, about how I gave him a majority of the happy memories he has... All of it seems carefully orchestrated to get me to feel loss of him, the potential of never being able to talk to him again, a way to break through to me, to break down my defenses so that he could get close to me again and mind-fuck me over for what I did to him by leaving.
After he sent me the message, he wouldn't respond to my calls or my messages for almost 30mins. Enough time to let my mind run wild. Brain tumor. Cancer. Heart Failure. The longer I had to wait, the more my mind had a chance to run. I began thinking about him dying all alone, with no one to take care of him, I thought about never being able to say, and truthfully, hear, the things I have been longing to say and hear for so long now. I felt I was on the very edge of hope that maybe, just maybe, his dying would actually wake him up! Then I caught myself...
I remembered how he talked to me about 'high emotions', his need for drama, came down heavy... It seemed to dramatic to be real, but just wild and crazy enough that maybe, just maybe it could be true- and if it was, I owed to myself to be the kind of person I knew I was in a situation like this... Kind, caring, compassionate and firm about my boundaries.
I was already on this train of thought when he answered me. I was prepared for his veiled answer. I already knew I would have to go down there to know the truth, and ultimately I couldn't live with myself if there was even a chance he was serious about dying.
He clearly anticipated this reaction, that I would come down to see him and not take no for answer... He claimed he 'over-exaggerated' to keep me away from him, to scare me off... However, I don't know one kind, compassionate person who would run the other way when someone they loved told them they were dying. He clearly knew this about me. He knew I would come running, and when I did he made sure he was there with open arms.
What he didn't anticipate was my cynical and teasing reaction to it. How I already suspected it was all BS!!! The motherfucker thought I wouldn't see through his lies!!! I still cannot believe that...
But it was enough to make me think, really think, about what life would be like without him. How I would miss certain things about him, how his veiled references to his 'happy' memories would make me remember my own. It was a bitter-sweet concoction of loss, grief, happy memories, hope and relief. And of course, confusion. The perfect cocktail to make me agree to give him another chance- even an itty-bitty slim-window of a chance for him to weasel his way back into my life.
I agreed to spend the weekend with him, on a couple of conditions... There would be no fighting about my work, no veiled insinuations that I am sleeping with another, no asking if I am, no discussions of the future and that we should live as we would in day-to-day life. I knew that this weekend he would be on his very best behavior to try not to lose me, and frankly I wanted to see what it was like- and if I am really honest with myself, I wanted to see if it was worth it.
He has always dangled marriage as the carrot at the end of the stick for me... I was like a depraved bunny-rabbit, starved for affection, constantly chasing after him.
When I left, the carrot's parrot lost effect. I realized I never cared if I was married, because the only thing that mattered was my relationship with myself. *POOF* the carrot went up in smoke.
I wanted to know if I really loved him, or if it was his approval, his acceptance and his love that I wanted. I was right about it being the latter... I wanted all the things from him I was never giving myself.
Truth be told, I am still a little bit hung up on feeling accepted. I feel a lot of the same emotions around my ex that I feel around my dad... As if he was constantly judging me and that no matter what I did, I always came up short. The message was loud and clear, I wasn't good enough. My ex takes that feeling and uses it to suit his own needs.
I won't go into specifics, as I much too tired... But I was left feeling ignored, left out, like I was toy and something he was trying desperately hard to entertain! Basically, like I was his favorite dolly that his mom threatened to give away if he didn't take better care of me. I felt about as inhuman in his eyes.
I even cleaned up his dog poop and he didn't even thank me! He was too busy yelling at the dog... Who could have given a shit- literally!! I did the dishes and made the bed too (because I was bored from being ignored while he worked) and he still didn't even say thank you!
I finally gave up at the end of the day today and told him I was leaving... His response? 'I had such a great weekend with you! No drama or upset emotions! It was really nice.' His emotional disconnect amazes me...
However, I must say that he really didn't see me being upset, because I was beyond caring anymore. I should also let it be known that despite his cold, indifferent attitude, I still did what I wanted to do anyhow. I watched the shows I wanted to watch, went to bed when I wanted to, didn't have sex, all things I would have never done before.
When I got in the car, I asked myself that if this had been a guy I was dating now and this was our first weekend together (as it was for my ex and I in a way- we never had boundaries before and always ended up fighting), would I go out with him again. The answer is no... Why? Because he was too self-absorbed to notice I was bored or to care, because he was pushy about our plans for the evening and because generally I wasn't interested.
We had nothing to talk about once we agreed to not fight... Great sign for a relationship, huh? So much of our initial attraction was because we bonded over family horror stories. I wasn't talking to my family then and neither was he. We would sit outside and talk for hours about how we felt.
One more thing... I was listening to the music on his Ipod today and I was amazed at how much of it was about emotions, about loss, love and about love not being worth the pain. A lot the time, the singers were singing about suppressing their love for a person. It was dark and had a weight to it, a heft. I began to think maybe that is him buried under the surface.
A lot of pain and no way to express it.
I would have cared before, but I don't care any longer. It isn't my problem to fix.
I am still so incredibly angry at him for pulling this stunt.
I did do one important thing for me today... I began working on a credentialing process that will hopefully allow me to expand my business so that I can fund more of my dreams! I am eager to get started on the rest of my life!
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