Codependent...Me? Nahhhh!
So, I've been codependent for YEARS, if not my entire life. I didn't actually truly know it until about 2 years ago. I always looked at myself as independent. I relied on nobody but myself. I paid my bills on my own. I raised my kids on my own. I navigated life on my own. I did everything ON MY OWN.
About 2 years ago was when it hit me. Sure, I do everything on my own. And when I mean I do everything on my own, I mean EVERYTHING. Whether it be me, a spouse, a friend, work, etc. I do it all on my own. For example, my narcissistic ex didn't work. I paid all of the bills. It felt good being needed until it didn't feel good anymore. I am a hard core perfectionist. I get extremely upset with myself if I make a mistake because "I let someone down" in the process. I feel the need to try and be the best at everything in every aspect of my life and when I'm not, I'm hurt and it takes quite a while to get over that.
I have stayed in very unhealthy work environments because of the owner's sons needing someone to make them feel loved and appreciated. When I finally couldn't take anymore and left, they both called me to tell me they would miss me. I bawled my eyes out and twisted it up in my head that because I left, they were never going to get that sense of appreciation again. Their dad was/is a dick. I was constantly reassuring them, comforting them, defending them, etc. Even though the consequences could have been absolutely detrimental to me.
I will get upset if someone acts in a manner that I find absurd. I have a hard time separating other people's crap from my own. I take the blame in everything so that the other person feels better. I have a hard time accepting the fact that the actions and words of someone else is not my problem. I have a hard time accepting the fact that when something bad happens, it was not my fault. When bad things happen I feel I have lost control. Even though I never had control. It is rare I say no, in fear of upsetting someone. But I refused to ask for help or accept help when I needed it. Why? Because the only thing that meant was that I had lost control. I have close to no boundaries whatsoever. My list could go on, and on, and on.
My entire life is lived in some form of aspect as that. I always looked at it as just being a caring person. No. That is not what that means. What that means, to me (because I know me), is I'm a person that feels a need to be validated, appreciated, etc. I feel the need to blend in with whoever is around, even if it puts myself, my morals, my beliefs, or anything else in jeopardy.
That means I am CODEPENDENT.
I used to always think that the only way you could be codependent was if you were with a person who had a chemical dependency. I had numerous chemical dependencies, so there was absolutely no way that I could be codependent. I learned a couple of years ago that I couldn't be any more wrong. And I more recently learned that I may just be the poster child of codependency.
So, a couple of nights ago I bought "Codependent No More." I started reading it last night. A part of the book that I had read was a common list of character traits of the codependent person. I would say close to 90% of them, if not more, applied to me. I think I wanted to die. I don't know why it hit me more than it did a couple of years ago. I have been working a 12 step program around my addictions (including codependency) for 19 months. I educate myself. I reach out for help and advice when needed. And I have a fantastic support group (that I am still learning to fully utilize), but I am learning. But now that I have started reading this book more and have learned common traits among those like me, I feel like I have way more work to do than in the beginning. A lot of the things that I do, I didn't even realize was being codependent.
Sigh.
BUT, I'm excited to continue this journey and widen the path!
About 2 years ago was when it hit me. Sure, I do everything on my own. And when I mean I do everything on my own, I mean EVERYTHING. Whether it be me, a spouse, a friend, work, etc. I do it all on my own. For example, my narcissistic ex didn't work. I paid all of the bills. It felt good being needed until it didn't feel good anymore. I am a hard core perfectionist. I get extremely upset with myself if I make a mistake because "I let someone down" in the process. I feel the need to try and be the best at everything in every aspect of my life and when I'm not, I'm hurt and it takes quite a while to get over that.
I have stayed in very unhealthy work environments because of the owner's sons needing someone to make them feel loved and appreciated. When I finally couldn't take anymore and left, they both called me to tell me they would miss me. I bawled my eyes out and twisted it up in my head that because I left, they were never going to get that sense of appreciation again. Their dad was/is a dick. I was constantly reassuring them, comforting them, defending them, etc. Even though the consequences could have been absolutely detrimental to me.
I will get upset if someone acts in a manner that I find absurd. I have a hard time separating other people's crap from my own. I take the blame in everything so that the other person feels better. I have a hard time accepting the fact that the actions and words of someone else is not my problem. I have a hard time accepting the fact that when something bad happens, it was not my fault. When bad things happen I feel I have lost control. Even though I never had control. It is rare I say no, in fear of upsetting someone. But I refused to ask for help or accept help when I needed it. Why? Because the only thing that meant was that I had lost control. I have close to no boundaries whatsoever. My list could go on, and on, and on.
My entire life is lived in some form of aspect as that. I always looked at it as just being a caring person. No. That is not what that means. What that means, to me (because I know me), is I'm a person that feels a need to be validated, appreciated, etc. I feel the need to blend in with whoever is around, even if it puts myself, my morals, my beliefs, or anything else in jeopardy.
That means I am CODEPENDENT.
I used to always think that the only way you could be codependent was if you were with a person who had a chemical dependency. I had numerous chemical dependencies, so there was absolutely no way that I could be codependent. I learned a couple of years ago that I couldn't be any more wrong. And I more recently learned that I may just be the poster child of codependency.
So, a couple of nights ago I bought "Codependent No More." I started reading it last night. A part of the book that I had read was a common list of character traits of the codependent person. I would say close to 90% of them, if not more, applied to me. I think I wanted to die. I don't know why it hit me more than it did a couple of years ago. I have been working a 12 step program around my addictions (including codependency) for 19 months. I educate myself. I reach out for help and advice when needed. And I have a fantastic support group (that I am still learning to fully utilize), but I am learning. But now that I have started reading this book more and have learned common traits among those like me, I feel like I have way more work to do than in the beginning. A lot of the things that I do, I didn't even realize was being codependent.
Sigh.
BUT, I'm excited to continue this journey and widen the path!
Replies
It sounds like you are waking-up. That\'s good, IMO. Give yourself plenty of time to learn, and make mistakes, and forgive yourself often while you learn. Codependency is a really difficult thinking behavior to identify and be aware of, until you remember most of the symptoms. Keep working on learning and accepting that you feel codependent and are tired of doing it to yourself just to avoid some childhood fears. You\'re getting stronger with each new breakthrough insight.
I love with Richeart said. We all enjoy feeling appreciated and most love to help others. That is a loving heart. Nothing wrong with love. We just cannot forget to love ourselves too. We matter as much as others. So, working as hard as you did while your ex didn\'t, was not loving/respectful of your needs. But, you didn\'t realize you had needs. You acted from the benevolence of SHOWING others how much you love. Healing codependency means you don\'t have to prove you love them. I paid all the bills too a COUPLE of relationships. It is great to see growth in ourselves and you have that joy ahead. When you, calm and centered, realize where your healthy boundaries lay and how to protect your heart and soul, in ways you wouldn\'t have done just a few short months or years ago, that is inspiring. We are all learning self-compassion. I\'m so happy to hear your excitement to continue to grow. Yes, we all are widening our paths.