Cleaning out my closet, Part 2 of several
To my father- you’ve been a selfish abusive prick and I never deserved any of it. I spent my entire life sacrificing my own sense of peace, my own joy- for you. All for you- and what has it gotten me in return? FUCKING NOTHING. That’s right- you’re still miserable. You’re still a drunk. You still blame EVERYTHING on everyone else but yourself. You treat people like shit. You’re insensitive, mean, and all around insufferable. I can’t believe how much guilt I carry with me on a daily basis for the things YOU’VE done to yourself. For the fact that you’re miserable, alone, broke. All things you’ve done to yourself. Yet I feel the guilt for it. You’re hatred runs so fucking deep that I don’t even think you feel anymore. I can’t fathom living a whole life without ever looking inside. You’re in your own prison. And I thought that if I joined you- if I shut down my joy, if I tried to understand you, even when I agreed with you- even when I told you I understood- I joined you in your own prison. And the only thing that came from it was that my soul was locked up too. You didn’t get better. B/c no one can make you better- no amount of money, family, etc. can make you better. It’s your job and no one else’s. I tried my best and all I gained was a cell of my own right next to yours. I broke free because, and only because, I refused to be imprisoned any longer. I will not live with this guilt anymore. I will not live with this feeling of failure that stays with me and taints everything I do. I just wont. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m attracting people like you into my life. That’s how much you’re inside my head. I carry this shame with me everywhere. I have to let it go. B/c even though I’m not always conscious about it- it draws abusers like you to me. It draws people who treat me like I’m crazy, ridiculous, over emotional, impossible to please- b/c underneath it all that’s how I see myself. I say outloud that I have a right to my emotions- I vigorously defend my right to have emotions. But the person I’m fighting has always been me. I’m the one who thinks I’m crazy. I’m the one who really believes that you were right- it’s all my fault. Do you have any fucking idea what that does to a person? It turns them into you. I won’t be you. I’m breaking free from the chains around my heart and soul. I’ve had them my entire life. I NEVER was what you describe me as. You say you love me- but that’s not true- it never has been. You love me as much as you are capable of- meaning you love the surface- as long as I never step out of line, as long as I never say anything emotional or angry- as long as I’m not me. Because being me has always pissed you off. Well that’s yours now. I won’t live with it anymore.