Clarity

I am stuck here at the school for the day. My class ended at 11:15 and my next isn't until 2:30pm. Tomorrow I don't have school so I am sure to watch TV and hang around the house tonight. I am still having the suicidal thoughts. I watched a movie with my mom about it, "To Save a Life" and she cried a lot and knew that I was going through the same pain. She made me tell my dad. I knew that he would be upset simply because he doesn't like to hear that type of news. He works with me around some of the issues and how to del with them physically. Well physically exerting my anger by hitting something like a pillow or a roll or socks. He does give great advice when I really need it and now he knows that I am having such feelings.  There is no food in the house and I forgot this morning to take out something from the freezer. I am feeling stressed today and I can't put my finger on it. I am going to take a xanax at some point soon to calm my nerves and help me read... most of which I will never remember. That is why I use a highlighter as well as annotate in the margins of the writing. I read that the xanax can cause memory loss. I need to stop taking that stuff soon. My pdoc wants me to switch over to valium she says that it has a longer lasting sedation than that of an up and down ride on xanax. 
 
I keep having this impulsive feeling at night to jump off of my second story balcony. I know that it wouldn't kill me, but it would be self harm and that would be enough right now. I think that I am tired and I want to rest, that's all, just rest. The only things that it seems I look forward to are liquor and television, sometimes school and i do enjoy reading about my illness and its dynamics. I wish there was some support group with younger people here on campus. I know there have got to be more people than just me who are bipolar on this 24,000 student campus. I have tried to reach out but it is almost impossible to get people to connect on a level of mental illness, I believe it is the stigma behind it that remains from years past. Just because we are bipolar we are not too different and we take sedating and leveling medications. It's frustrating. 
 
I have still about two hours before I have to be in class. I have some reading to do for his class, but I'd rather not... boring and dry. I wish he would lighten it up a bit more. Though, I do like the instructor... he is growing on me and I think he in genuine in his studies and the way he teaches. There are only about 18  of us in the class so the discussions get intimate and are respectful. It also serves as my last class of the day, so it is nice to look forward to the end, especially when it's Thursday (when I have a break until Tuesday). 
 
I am afraid of how things are going to be once chi gets back from Vietnam. Are things going be running smoothly as they are right now or will there be friction as there was before her departure? I hope things remain calm and the same, I don't have the energy to fight or worry about my situation at my father's house. He has protected me in the past and i know that he will do it again. He does not want me to be driven out of the hose by anyone. Including his new wife. I am blood family and he knows that. He knows that I need him and I was there when he needed me the most.
 
I still have an unhappy face because I am scared and worried about the future. The debt that I have encored and the money I am not making myself. Then school. Will I ever graduate? And what am I going to do with political science? I think too much and then it add to more thinking which adds to more and it is a cycle that I can't get myself out of. I talk myself in but cant talk myself out. Imagine how frustrating this is. I am going to try to distract myself by doing some of that reading. 
 
Goodnight moon.