Circles
This whole grief thing really is a roller coaster going in circles! For the past week or so I've been feeling some of the emotions I haven't felt in a while. I've had the anger "you can't really be gone" "Why did you leave us?", some disbelief again, and that gut wrenching pain especially today. I guess because I"ve had a lot of stress with work and home, then one of my best friends is getting married on Friday. I honestly feel like i'm not as good at things I was when Brad was alive. I was diong great at my job, I was coming home and taking care of our family of 4, keeping the house relatively clean. Now I'm struggling tremendously at work, am not staying ontop of things at home like I use to, and my house is never clean. It seems like not matter how hard I try I'm still stuck and don't have it all together like I use to. I was good, really good at being wife and mom. Not just any wife and mom, but his and our kids. I honestly felt and still feel like thats what I was born to do, was to be there for them. So now it's like I don't know how to do anything else. I just want him back, I want our family back. I want to go back in time and do the things I should have done then to make our time together better and to have done the things we needed to do for him to get better. This isn't fair, none of this is how it was suppose to be.
Replies
Hi......no it isn\'t fair. I\'ve learned that life isn\'t always fair, and that grief does not follow a linear progression. Yes it is a roller coaster going in circles. You think you\'re doing okay, and then the grief monster sneaks up on you again. It\'s not an easy journey, but one that many have to endure. My heart goes out to you to have lost your husband at such a young age. Life doesn\'t seem fair when things like this happen. Stay strong.....think about what you need to do to get through day to day. For me, it\'s being in nature, going to my hospice support group, and making plans for one to two times a week to spend time with friends who love and support me, and understand grief. Everything you\'re feeling is normal. It takes a long time to heal from a loss....you will never be the same again, but with time will begin to function better and rebuild your new life. Sending you love and support from one who understands and relates to every word of your journal entry. Aloha ~ Lori