Church

I went to church today for the first time since i was 20. I was the one sitting in the back, by myself trying to not be noticeable. The congregation members at this church were too friendly and genuine to allow someone to go unnoticed. Many of them came and shook my hand and welcomed me. I know all of this should feel good, however all it did was to shine light on the fact that i truly am and should be alone. I sat in the back pew before the services began and noticed how everyone treated each other, and talked with one another. A bittersweet smile crept across my face. It was good to see that there was a place where people could open up to one another in true friendship. I know in my heart that I could never open up like that to anyone. This place is meant for good people; not me. Every time someone spoke with me, I quietly imagined myself explaining my story to them, and it nearly drove me to tears multiple times.
     I don't know what this all means. All i know is that i am so very empty and alone. Irony of it all is that i thought that i wanted to be alone. (be careful of what you wish for). I honestly don't know what I want any more. Sometimes I just want an ending. I just want everything to stop. I don't see any pourpose to my life; to what I am; what i've done. Every night the sun goes down and every morning the sun comes up. It never ends. One day, perhaps soon, I will.