Chronic Loneliness

I struggle with a number of things. First of all, vaginismus. So I''m still a virgin and I've never managed to successfully have proper sex or even a proper relationship. I'm turning 29 soon and my birthday is always a huge source of depression for me. I try so many things and i feel like I never seem to move forward. My therapist says I have to do the internal work too, not just the external work, so I'm trying to explore how deeply and eternally lonely I have felt all my life. Even when I'm at a party, I can't seem to be shake this belief that I am so fully alone. And I see it everywhere in my life, whenever I try to get close to a man they push me away, whenever I try to have sex my vagina doesn't let me, and I am the life of the party because I know how to have a laugh and like a good time without really ever being myself. I hide so many things about myself, including my virginity and relationship virginity status, because I am so deeply ashamed. I am also ashamed of my childhood and my family because when I was growing up, everyone was so angry and emotionally volatile, and chronically cruel that I lied constantly about my lack of sleep, my crying, my inability to bring people over to the house. I have always lived in secrecy and I feel like only through therapy am I realising how absurd my homelife was, and how much it's affected my ability to get intimate with people. I have tried for 10 years and only recently have I started letting people in properly, and even then it's only one or two, and I keep the information to a minimum. 

Anyway. This loneliness group is helpful because I am truly frustrated and inconsolably angry about how no one around me seems to uderstand how it feels to be chronically lonely. Yes people seem to experience spouts of loneliness, but nobody in my immediate peer group seems to actually know what it's like to feel alone and cry alone, for long periods of years and years and years.