checking in

I guess it's ok that I just want to check in with you guys. It's been a rollercoaster of a day

but that is kind of normal - though difficult - for me.

I started the day with those other two journals and then settled in to have the Sunday zoom call with my family.

I try to add to the conversation but usually I am quiet... It's ok I need to tell myself...it is what it is - 

it is how I am - and well no use getting upset about it (now in the final analysis).

I love my family and I know they love me...it's just that I am kind of beleagured by my mental health struggle. They know that and are very generous with me - and keep things with a sense of humor about stuff.

I have to admit while we were chatting (though I was silent) and just before we were chatting I felt a surge of anger. Anger and frustration at my place in the world and how I am. It's understandable I've reckoned and yet what I also remembered later on was a really important thing my Dr had mentioned to me.

She said "Life can be seen as a series of narcissistic injuries" - the phrase she said "Can be used as a way to understand the world." It certainly did help me today. I was kind of blindly raging about myself in the world, before and while with my family, and also about going out to do an errand today (venturing out on my own for some reason was seizing me with dred and fear), but thankfully after thinking about the phrase, I realized maybe where the rage was coming from...from falling short in life? from being different?? and so I realized I kind of have to love my life and give myself a big hug and appreciate my own life though different from my family's. That sounds cookey as I know we each have our own lives to live...lives we each have peculiar to ourselves - so unique and quirky. Joy and humility.

But what made it also a poignant and salient phrase to remember is that it brought me back down to earth to realize we're all leading our lives and struggling with some form of emotional management along the way. Brothers and sisters, parents etc.. And so maybe rather than let the force of rambunctious emotions within us just develop like another character in the room - I'll try and adapt to it each time along the way without (hopefully) letting it consume

me to the point of passively falling victim to it. I want to find the things in life that bring me joy and meaning - and I want to learn to go for them and mindfully appreciate them... not discount them..I'll be glad to do that.

Anyways,  hope all's going well out there! Peace and :):).