Changes.... Small But Good
Dear Fred,
It has been such a long time since I have written to you. I am glad you are a patient sort of journal. I thought I'd take a moment and reflect on some of the small changes I am beginning to feel or see in myself.
This year without Nick had been one of learning and yearning. Learning new things (most of what I did not wish to learn) and yearning everyday for my life with Nick. I think by now I do understand that he is not able to come back home to me. However, I cannot accept he is actually dead. Nick was too alive, too brilliant and loved and lived life so very much that the word "dead" just does not apply to him. After a year of crying, reading books, attending grief & loss groups, seeing a counselor and doing a lot more crying I have found I do better if I just do not allow myself to think about it very much.
I have learned the true value of honest sincere friends. Those few who really do mean "I am here for you". These are the ones that call you just to say "HI", or to invite you to go on a walk, a drive or over for dinner. They are the ones who are there to snow blow your drive and walks because they know you physically cannot. They help you with small repairs. They help you with big repairs. Best of all, you can call them when you need a friend who understands your pain. I am so very thankful every day for those good people Nick & I made friends with.
This year I have learned to ask for help and to accept help. I have learned to call others instead of waiting for them to call me.
I have learned what my mother was talking about when she complained of being so lonely.... even though grandkids visited her, her daughters visited her and we called her on a daily basis. I now know how quickly one can feel isolated and alone in only a few minutes.
Through Nick's death I have learned a lesson of what a problem really is and what isn't a true problem. A painful lesson but one worth the learning.
My views on God are slowly changing. For other reasons in addition to the mis diagnosis that lead to Nick's death I have been so very angry at God. I was so very angry that it was easier to believe there is no God at all. Or, if there is He either really hates me or He is just plain mean. Now I am beginning to rethink things. I am beginning to understand that the things that hurt me so badly in the past had to happen when it did as I could not have survived the pain of losing Nick at the same time. I do not know why. But, I am beginning to realize how very little I know. Today I realized I am almost beginning to believe in at least a Creator and that I am no longer full of anger towards this being. A small step but perhaps in the right direction.
Nick's death also has taught me how emptiness feels. It has taught me how terrible emotional and physical pain can be. Through this it has taught me about compassion.
These are a few of the things this year has taught me. I hope in time, the years will teach me how to regain the feelings of happiness and completeness. Until then, I must continue on and hope that the day I learn these additional things will not be too much longer.
Darlene 4/15/2012
It has been such a long time since I have written to you. I am glad you are a patient sort of journal. I thought I'd take a moment and reflect on some of the small changes I am beginning to feel or see in myself.
This year without Nick had been one of learning and yearning. Learning new things (most of what I did not wish to learn) and yearning everyday for my life with Nick. I think by now I do understand that he is not able to come back home to me. However, I cannot accept he is actually dead. Nick was too alive, too brilliant and loved and lived life so very much that the word "dead" just does not apply to him. After a year of crying, reading books, attending grief & loss groups, seeing a counselor and doing a lot more crying I have found I do better if I just do not allow myself to think about it very much.
I have learned the true value of honest sincere friends. Those few who really do mean "I am here for you". These are the ones that call you just to say "HI", or to invite you to go on a walk, a drive or over for dinner. They are the ones who are there to snow blow your drive and walks because they know you physically cannot. They help you with small repairs. They help you with big repairs. Best of all, you can call them when you need a friend who understands your pain. I am so very thankful every day for those good people Nick & I made friends with.
This year I have learned to ask for help and to accept help. I have learned to call others instead of waiting for them to call me.
I have learned what my mother was talking about when she complained of being so lonely.... even though grandkids visited her, her daughters visited her and we called her on a daily basis. I now know how quickly one can feel isolated and alone in only a few minutes.
Through Nick's death I have learned a lesson of what a problem really is and what isn't a true problem. A painful lesson but one worth the learning.
My views on God are slowly changing. For other reasons in addition to the mis diagnosis that lead to Nick's death I have been so very angry at God. I was so very angry that it was easier to believe there is no God at all. Or, if there is He either really hates me or He is just plain mean. Now I am beginning to rethink things. I am beginning to understand that the things that hurt me so badly in the past had to happen when it did as I could not have survived the pain of losing Nick at the same time. I do not know why. But, I am beginning to realize how very little I know. Today I realized I am almost beginning to believe in at least a Creator and that I am no longer full of anger towards this being. A small step but perhaps in the right direction.
Nick's death also has taught me how emptiness feels. It has taught me how terrible emotional and physical pain can be. Through this it has taught me about compassion.
These are a few of the things this year has taught me. I hope in time, the years will teach me how to regain the feelings of happiness and completeness. Until then, I must continue on and hope that the day I learn these additional things will not be too much longer.
Darlene 4/15/2012
Replies
Darlene, your journal touched me, I love how you said you will call them and not wait for them. I have a bad habit of not calling anyone and they will show up at my door, like today, my neighbor across the street started to mow my lawn and I was so embarrassed, I did not have anything (extra money to pay him for it). All they wanted is if it was ok, to use the pool because they had company and of course I would of let them with out doing my yardwork. So, I was able to hear them and their children enjoying the pool and it was nice to hear laughter.
I do understand your anger with God, I was angry too until one day I felt I could be closer to my loved ones if I listened to Christian music and all of sudden I was asking God to forgive me for being angry at Him.
He knew how to get through my anger and touch my heart with His love. I felt it and now I am here for others to give my heart to them because He has shown me to know others pain and to pray for them.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vLxdxw4Gj6g&feature=related
I will be praying for you sweet friend,
Hugs & God Bless,
Judy
Darlene, thanks for your insightful post. It is too bad what we have to go through to learn these things we are learning. The line that really caught me was \"how quickly one can feel isolated and alone in only a few minutes.\" We do see family and others, but come back to the same empty house and the feelings change so quickly! All that we\'ve learned through the years is refined and tested now. We have more compassion now because of what we\'ve been through. I am glad you do see the progression and I believe you will get to that contented place. I\'m hoping to be there too some day. Thanks for being a friend and sharing your heart. Darleen
Darlene,
Not being able to wrap your mind around the fact that they are \'dead\". boy can I relate. My mind KOWS it but my heart STILL sometimes forgets. Or is it that we know their spirit is still aorund us and we can feel it that we somehow know deep down and that\'s why it\'s hard to \'accept\' as they say?
these are not just a \"few\" things you have learned my dear friend. sounds like you have the whole package going here.
I know you have learned such compassion for others as i see it in everything you do. I know what you mean to know emptiness and what it truly feels like after this happens. also the most important lesson and one that few know is to what is TRULY important, and what just is NOT. We GET IT in a way others never will until this happens to them.
This entry was so heartfelt, and so profound in wisdom. REAL wisdom that comes from a whole lot of WORK! And YOU did that work. Be SO PROUD! i KNOW I am for you!!1
L:ove to you my dear friend and thanks for such an inspiring entry to share with us. Diane
Dear Darlene,
So many hard things learned...may the wind be at your back as you go forward.....hugs
Dear Darlene,
I love your journal entry. It is so true for me what I have learned in this year and 1/2, that I wish I had learned without this great pain. I too have deeper compassion----that comes from this painful sadness. I appreciate you sharing from your heart so honestly----I do understand. God and I have been having our difficulties, but I am moving to a more peaceful place in this area too----a long way to go, but progress.
Big hugs to you, Sal
What a beautiful heartfelt journal!!! It is great to hear about all the things you have learned in the last year. So very very painful but at least you got something out of it. They may seem small to you but I think they are HUGE after everything you have been through. Just the fact that we survived when our lives were shattered into a million pieces is a milestone.
I am glad that you are reaching out to others for help as I am sure it does THEIR HEART good knowing that they can do something for YOU.
Yes, I sure get the lonely part, even when you are with friends....there is a big hole that no one can fill. Know I am here for you and we can travel this road together....hugs
Learning is a precious thing--even when it\'s painful. Hugs