Ch-ch-ch-changes. Turn and face the strain.

Mostly, I don't notice the changes that are positive. They are subtle and slow. At some point, I relaxed, the pain wasn't as acute, the loss not so severe. It became a part of my life and "a loss." For a while, it was like trying to ride a bucking bull, all 110 lbs of me trying to control a 1,000 lb beast. I feel as though I've changed to riding with the bull. It is my life, with ups and downs, laughter and tears and it is not so raw anymore. The scarring has begun. Thicker flesh covering that exposed nerve.
Initially, I was terrified of being a single parent. I couldn't have confidence in my ability to help my kids grieve or guide them. Having a 14 yr old daughter requires some slick guidance! I am realizing that we are doing this together. I don't guide their grief, I hold their hand. I am a good, loving, supportive parent. I will do my best with my kids and that's all I can do. They will know they are loved, even when I set rules or boundaries. Even when I discipline, it will be out of love.
So, the point of this journal is that I never realized that grief felt so much like fear, but I have learned that it does. I am not as afraid. My life is good. I'm grateful for what I have. My kids and my friends are helping me while my ankle heals. (After helping me 4 months ago, when Mike passed away). I am deeply grateful.
This bull is my companion and I'm learning. There will be more laughter. There will be tears. There will be more learning and changing.