CFS & FM Self-Help Course -- Final Week, my assignment
Target Report
TARGET: Rest before tired an hour at a time twice a day or more as needed while visiting my GF.
RESULTS: I met my larger target I didn't meet my target of resting an hour at a time twice a day, but I rested enough, often enough, so that I didn't crash. Now on my first day home after a lo-ong day of travel (car, plane, plane, cab, bus, walk, home at 8:30), I'm pretty tired and achy. I'm planning on taking a quiet recovery day today, though I do intend to take my walk.
LESSONS: I really need and want to develop a much tighter schedule for my days and stick to it, even when I'm with Mary Anne
DISCUSSION:
What helps reduce relationship frustrations that are caused my illness?
The first and most glaringly obvious answer is simple my girl friend. Our relationship is new since my illness took down both me and my marriage. She truly wants to know more about the illness, how it affects me and how she can help me deal with it and live well in spite of it. She is a godsend to me.
When I'm with her, only #2: Feeling Undependable, #5: Pressure to Do Too Much (self-imposed) and #6: Guilt (also self-imposed) are really the only active challenges for me. I find this ironic, since she is eager to help me and make things easier for me. I'm sure that #3: Isolation, will be more bothersome for me again now that I'm home, but nothing like it was before I met her I know she's there and we talk constantly.
Elena, your tactic of letting (others) take responsibility for their own emotions rang very true to me. Other people's emotions are entirely their business and none of mine.
The only real 'treatments' I could find for isolation was getting out to see friends when I had the energy, chatting with folks on my walks or errands and simply accepting that this solitude was a big part of my new life as it had been when I was growing up. So at least I was used to it....
I think there are multiple levels of this question, because I include my relationship with myself. Given my history, I've had ample opportunity to face guilt and self-recrimination, and I've never found that negative feelings about myself make me feel better in any way, nor do they get me any closer to recovery or equilibrium. I don't see why I would treat myself any worse (or less well if you prefer) than I would a sick friend. All the more so since I can't go visit myself and then come home to being healthy again.
I guess for me the answer to this question is much like Bruce Campbell's solution: I choose to accept that I have a chronic, life-changing illness that severely limits my physical, mental and emotional energy, and therefore my range of activities. I don't ask Why me?! because in this situation the only answers I've been able to find are entirely unsatisfying: no answer at all, Because it is and I don't know. Because I'm being punished or tested leads me straight to For what?, which is basically Why?. So I just don't go there.
I choose to accept that I will probably never completely recover, but I do not accept that IMPROVEMENT is impossible. Better may not be great, but it sure is better.
So I try not to look over my shoulder to mourn all that I've 'lost' life changes, after all. I try to live in today and look forward with curiosity to see if I can have a better day today than yesterday or last week, and maybe do it again tomorrow. Maybe I can learn enough about living with CFS to improve to 60%, or 80%... time will tell. (All in good time, my pretty, all in good time...)
Oh, yeah humor helps. ;-)
TARGET: Rest before tired an hour at a time twice a day or more as needed while visiting my GF.
RESULTS: I met my larger target I didn't meet my target of resting an hour at a time twice a day, but I rested enough, often enough, so that I didn't crash. Now on my first day home after a lo-ong day of travel (car, plane, plane, cab, bus, walk, home at 8:30), I'm pretty tired and achy. I'm planning on taking a quiet recovery day today, though I do intend to take my walk.
LESSONS: I really need and want to develop a much tighter schedule for my days and stick to it, even when I'm with Mary Anne
DISCUSSION:
What helps reduce relationship frustrations that are caused my illness?
The first and most glaringly obvious answer is simple my girl friend. Our relationship is new since my illness took down both me and my marriage. She truly wants to know more about the illness, how it affects me and how she can help me deal with it and live well in spite of it. She is a godsend to me.
When I'm with her, only #2: Feeling Undependable, #5: Pressure to Do Too Much (self-imposed) and #6: Guilt (also self-imposed) are really the only active challenges for me. I find this ironic, since she is eager to help me and make things easier for me. I'm sure that #3: Isolation, will be more bothersome for me again now that I'm home, but nothing like it was before I met her I know she's there and we talk constantly.
Elena, your tactic of letting (others) take responsibility for their own emotions rang very true to me. Other people's emotions are entirely their business and none of mine.
The only real 'treatments' I could find for isolation was getting out to see friends when I had the energy, chatting with folks on my walks or errands and simply accepting that this solitude was a big part of my new life as it had been when I was growing up. So at least I was used to it....
I think there are multiple levels of this question, because I include my relationship with myself. Given my history, I've had ample opportunity to face guilt and self-recrimination, and I've never found that negative feelings about myself make me feel better in any way, nor do they get me any closer to recovery or equilibrium. I don't see why I would treat myself any worse (or less well if you prefer) than I would a sick friend. All the more so since I can't go visit myself and then come home to being healthy again.
I guess for me the answer to this question is much like Bruce Campbell's solution: I choose to accept that I have a chronic, life-changing illness that severely limits my physical, mental and emotional energy, and therefore my range of activities. I don't ask Why me?! because in this situation the only answers I've been able to find are entirely unsatisfying: no answer at all, Because it is and I don't know. Because I'm being punished or tested leads me straight to For what?, which is basically Why?. So I just don't go there.
I choose to accept that I will probably never completely recover, but I do not accept that IMPROVEMENT is impossible. Better may not be great, but it sure is better.
So I try not to look over my shoulder to mourn all that I've 'lost' life changes, after all. I try to live in today and look forward with curiosity to see if I can have a better day today than yesterday or last week, and maybe do it again tomorrow. Maybe I can learn enough about living with CFS to improve to 60%, or 80%... time will tell. (All in good time, my pretty, all in good time...)
Oh, yeah humor helps. ;-)
Replies
Hi, Jack. It sounds like you have a good handle on what\'s going on in your emotional and physical life. I agree with you that pursuing questions like \"Is this a test or a punishment?\" is not helpful. I believe that it is a lie that if we do right, only good things will happen to us. Because if we believe that then we also believe the opposite which is, \"If something bad is happening to be me it must be because I have done wrong.\" In the counseling that I do, I have found that lie to be one of the most painful because it pits God against us. I am choosing to believe that He is for me and not against me. I\'m glad you get that too. Many blessings.
Yah, I just can\'t get behind a judging, punishing God. I\'m sticking with my Loving \'God\' (I say \'God\' as shorthand for the infinity of God\'s names and people\'s understandings; AllOne, Most High, First Mover, Love, Source, I Am that I Am, etc, etc).
Thanks, Heather. Hugs
AMEN and WELCOME BACK!
I certainly don\'t believe we are being punished by God either.We have free will and we chose to come here .It is very obvious and clear to me that all beings suffer to some degree.No one escapes it.Even the most healthy long living person still suffers in some way and cannot avoid old age and death.So it\'s never a \" Why Me\".It\'s everyone and everywhere.Just different cicumstances and different levels.We are pretty lucky really compared to so many.Despite the suffering there is still HAPPINESS!! Yeah baby!! That\'s what we need to focus on and develop more of. Especially this little sorry worry wort soul typing here.
I like your attitude of acceptance Jack, I need to stop my war with cfs and maybe even welcome it .Could we be friends ? Maybe when I\'m lying there dying I will choose the cfs.It won\'t seem too much after all Lol!!
Glad your trip was so good and you arrived back safely.Wonderful that your new found love is working for you. Hugs and healing my friend.
Diane, THANK YOU! :-)
Aussiedi, you sound like you\'re having a much better day -- I\'m glad! :-)
I don\'t know if *welcoming* ME/CFS/SEID is necessary or desired, or making friends with it -- but it *is* a constant companion, isn\'t it? Perspective is a wonderful tool, too...
FWIW, the first of The Four Noble Truths (which express the basic orientation of Buddhism) is this: All conditional phenomena and experiences are not ultimately satisfying...
Or, in short, there is suffering or all beings suffer.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Four_Noble_Truths
(You probably already knew that, huh?)
Blessed Be us All... Hugs!
You\'re doing such a great job Jack! Lots of great inner work. Fist bump...
I always say that these illnesses may never be my friend but they have been my greatest teacher.
\"The wound is the place where light enters you\"...Rumi
Thank you, loveandlight. I *LOVE* me some Rumi!!