Despite what I'd say was a roller-coaster ride yesterday that ended on a pretty frustrating note, I woke up today and have been awake ever since. This is a huge accomplishment for me in light of the past weeks. My doctor started me on a new medication, Nuvigil, which is supposed to give you energy. And my Lamictal dosage increased today after two weeks at a low dose. I think the doctor thought the Nuvigil would kick start me a little. And so far, I think it has. I'm cautious because I was having some anxiety attacks and was afraid the "energy" in the Nuvigil would spur something like that, but so far so good. I am just going to try and keep it one step at a time. I know my urge is to run straight up the stairs, but hell, I smoked for a long time, so I know I'd better not give myself a heart attack and just walk for now. (I believe that analogy is funnier to me than anyone else.) I felt ok enough to read some emails today. I was too anxious and down to do that up until now - of course last night I read one that really set me off - but I was more angry than anxious - and I figure that may actually be a step in the right direction. Anger takes energy I didn't even have before. I woke up, took my meds, even ate something. Then I brushed my teeth and washed my face. Ok, so I haven't conquered the shower or the brush then eat sequence yet, but baby steps, right? I know these are mundane things, but to someone who has ever been severely depressed, you will understand how much it feels like you've finished a marathon when you get more than one thing done that someone else hasn't made or helped you do in a day. So I am going to revel in feeling just a bit better today. When I spoke with my doc yesterday, he said these are the hardest weeks (2-3) when you're starting treatment because it just hurts so much. But he said he was patient because he'd seen it so many times get better. I don't think there is a miracle drug, I think medicine is there to help you get to the point where you can at least live and then start to deal with the mess of life. The waiting for it to kick in is really hard sometimes. Really hard. But then you get a glimmer, like I'm getting today, and you hope to remember it, savor it, hold onto it, so that when/if it rolls back, you know it's possible to roll forward again.