Cara Lee Parks Buras
Its 5:26pm... I have been hiding today... I had something I wrote that I wanted to share but I couldn't sleep last night... So I never went to bed till after 3am... I tried but couldn't... and even when I did go to bed I didn't go to sleep till after 5am... Its okay... I am a survivor... No way to explain the tension that won't let me rest... but then I don't have to explain... you all understand...Last night... was the last night of my daughter's life 7 years ago... I hate even being aware of the number of years... I hate feeling so sad... I hate most of all that her children have to live with this... I was so blessed to have my mom... NO she wasn't perfect... but she loved me... and I loved her... my grandchildren don't have their mom... like I said... I hate it... but more than I hate... more than how sad I am...
I had written and posted this in Christine's newsletter... and wanted to share it with you all... but just didn't do it... I have already to be honest written about this before... so for some of you... it will be redundant... I'm sorry... there will be no new memories to write about... so the old ones play again and again... they're all I have... and so the newsletter provides places for memories we want to share... this one came up... but it has been enriched... with the addition of some of the great songs I've been introduced to through you all... and knowing how shocked Cara will be when she reads this... *Smile*
IN MEMORY OF: Cara Lee Parks Buras
AGE: 30
DATES: 9/9/76 - 10/30/06
CAUSE: Accident
Written by Elissa Smith Cara’s Mom For Always
Beam Me Up by Pink
Hhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo
A friend in a support group posted the link for the moms because it touched her. It touches me too so I wanted to share it.
It made me think of what for me was a happier more wonderful moment than I can really describe… some people might not have felt the same… It occurred at what was also one of the hardest parts of our lives… long story short… Cara was in a psyche hospital… suicide attempt… they wouldn’t let me see her for about a week and a half… I can hardly stand to remember how bad I felt when I first saw her… in just those few days she had lost several pounds… she was already too small… but now… her small thin wrists… shaking hands… I remember it all too well… kills me to think of her pain… but there was a moment I’ll never forget…
We had been taken into a room for a family counseling session… Cara was angry at me because she was there… I had not had a choice… they had done a PEC and forced us to put her in the hospital. It was all about money… government dollars… everyone wants to milk the system… but that’s a story for another day. So they put Cara in that hospital with children who had lived with situations Cara had never even imagined. Cara learned, my gentle Cara learned… how to be brutal there… I was so dismayed when I heard Cara had been attacked and had ended up biting a chunk out of the girl who attacked her. I understand she had no choice.
The staff seemed remarkably complacent about the incident… somewhat proud of Cara for defending herself so aggressively… I never wanted my daughter to have to be in a situation where that was necessary… Those children came from some very rough places… I guess they had no choice to be any different either… It was nightmarish. Sadly Cara lived many nightmares before her death. I think that its very possible that the Louisiana state hospital system (in their quest for government dollars… people gotta make a living… yes I’m bitter about what happened… I pray there is a special hell for people who use other people’s troubles not to help them but to enrich themselves.) helped begin the long road to Cara’s death… again… another day another story…
As I write I’m reliving it… as I said… it was an awful time in our lives… but there was that one moment…
So here we are in the room with the counselor… It was a small room… just barely room for the desk and chair for the counselor and a couch where Cara and I sat. Cara dropped angrily on the couch, keeping as much distance between us as she could. I could feel her tension, her anger, her pain… The counselor gave me a run down about their concerns for Cara, their treatment plan and what had been going on. She gathered general family and environment information from me to try to get a picture of Cara’s life before she came to the hospital.
I was so tired. I had worked all night, and then immediately left Houma when I got off work to drive the 3 hours to the hospital to attend the session and to see Cara. I felt so sad that she was sitting there, inches away physically, but separated by her anger as if it were miles. Finally I couldn’t help it, “Cara, I know you’re angry with me… I have missed you so much… would you please sit here beside me.” She didn’t say anything but she moved over by me… careful to keep her back to me to show me she was still angry… but she sat with her back against my arm… I did not protest… I was just so glad to be even a little near her… How do we describe the feeling of completeness we feel when we’re with our children… it’s a feeling that is different than any other… Gradually I felt her relaxing and shortly she was leaning against me. I felt the warm welcome weight of her against my arm.
It was like we began to heal from that moment… so when I think of just a minute… like Pink speaks of… I don’t feel like there is anything I’m desperate to say… I mean not immediately… I just want to be there beside her… I am looking forward to when it is time that joyful reunion…
October 30th will be Cara’s 7th angel day. I wanted to share the link to “Beam Me Up” by Pink, in honor of Cara. By Pink! I can almost hear Cara… Mama??? You??? Listening to Pink??? Yes Cara, to Pink, to Bruno (Talking To The Moon) and so many more… You’d be so proud of me honey. I can’t wait to listen to all of them with you.
I know there’s a lot of anger and pain in this post… but what I remember far more important… is the joy of just sitting beside Cara and feeling her loving me and me loving her…
I had written and posted this in Christine's newsletter... and wanted to share it with you all... but just didn't do it... I have already to be honest written about this before... so for some of you... it will be redundant... I'm sorry... there will be no new memories to write about... so the old ones play again and again... they're all I have... and so the newsletter provides places for memories we want to share... this one came up... but it has been enriched... with the addition of some of the great songs I've been introduced to through you all... and knowing how shocked Cara will be when she reads this... *Smile*
IN MEMORY OF: Cara Lee Parks Buras
AGE: 30
DATES: 9/9/76 - 10/30/06
CAUSE: Accident
Written by Elissa Smith Cara’s Mom For Always
Beam Me Up by Pink
Hhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PFYm9LKsuUo
A friend in a support group posted the link for the moms because it touched her. It touches me too so I wanted to share it.
It made me think of what for me was a happier more wonderful moment than I can really describe… some people might not have felt the same… It occurred at what was also one of the hardest parts of our lives… long story short… Cara was in a psyche hospital… suicide attempt… they wouldn’t let me see her for about a week and a half… I can hardly stand to remember how bad I felt when I first saw her… in just those few days she had lost several pounds… she was already too small… but now… her small thin wrists… shaking hands… I remember it all too well… kills me to think of her pain… but there was a moment I’ll never forget…
We had been taken into a room for a family counseling session… Cara was angry at me because she was there… I had not had a choice… they had done a PEC and forced us to put her in the hospital. It was all about money… government dollars… everyone wants to milk the system… but that’s a story for another day. So they put Cara in that hospital with children who had lived with situations Cara had never even imagined. Cara learned, my gentle Cara learned… how to be brutal there… I was so dismayed when I heard Cara had been attacked and had ended up biting a chunk out of the girl who attacked her. I understand she had no choice.
The staff seemed remarkably complacent about the incident… somewhat proud of Cara for defending herself so aggressively… I never wanted my daughter to have to be in a situation where that was necessary… Those children came from some very rough places… I guess they had no choice to be any different either… It was nightmarish. Sadly Cara lived many nightmares before her death. I think that its very possible that the Louisiana state hospital system (in their quest for government dollars… people gotta make a living… yes I’m bitter about what happened… I pray there is a special hell for people who use other people’s troubles not to help them but to enrich themselves.) helped begin the long road to Cara’s death… again… another day another story…
As I write I’m reliving it… as I said… it was an awful time in our lives… but there was that one moment…
So here we are in the room with the counselor… It was a small room… just barely room for the desk and chair for the counselor and a couch where Cara and I sat. Cara dropped angrily on the couch, keeping as much distance between us as she could. I could feel her tension, her anger, her pain… The counselor gave me a run down about their concerns for Cara, their treatment plan and what had been going on. She gathered general family and environment information from me to try to get a picture of Cara’s life before she came to the hospital.
I was so tired. I had worked all night, and then immediately left Houma when I got off work to drive the 3 hours to the hospital to attend the session and to see Cara. I felt so sad that she was sitting there, inches away physically, but separated by her anger as if it were miles. Finally I couldn’t help it, “Cara, I know you’re angry with me… I have missed you so much… would you please sit here beside me.” She didn’t say anything but she moved over by me… careful to keep her back to me to show me she was still angry… but she sat with her back against my arm… I did not protest… I was just so glad to be even a little near her… How do we describe the feeling of completeness we feel when we’re with our children… it’s a feeling that is different than any other… Gradually I felt her relaxing and shortly she was leaning against me. I felt the warm welcome weight of her against my arm.
It was like we began to heal from that moment… so when I think of just a minute… like Pink speaks of… I don’t feel like there is anything I’m desperate to say… I mean not immediately… I just want to be there beside her… I am looking forward to when it is time that joyful reunion…
October 30th will be Cara’s 7th angel day. I wanted to share the link to “Beam Me Up” by Pink, in honor of Cara. By Pink! I can almost hear Cara… Mama??? You??? Listening to Pink??? Yes Cara, to Pink, to Bruno (Talking To The Moon) and so many more… You’d be so proud of me honey. I can’t wait to listen to all of them with you.
I know there’s a lot of anger and pain in this post… but what I remember far more important… is the joy of just sitting beside Cara and feeling her loving me and me loving her…
Replies
Sending big hugs on this, Cara\'s Angel Day. I feel sad at how much Cara had to suffer. I think she and Lisa must be comparing notes. She had some very rough times as a teen. I too look forward to the day that we will be reunited,
Love and understanding,
Marlene
I like Pink too!
The years collapse, it\'s the accordian of painful remembrances. Sorry that this is the day, know your pain, my darling Jake is always with me now. and I remember the angry and painful times, the hospitalizations, the fear and hope. My son did not suicide, did not want to die, and his two boy and girl are now without a father. Hard times for all of us together. For me it\'s 3.8 years, and some days the pain is new and sharp again.
Your soth are with you, I am with you, tight hugs and tears together. Abby
Thinking of you today. You say there is a lot of anger in this post...but I want you to know that what \"I got\" was that moment between you and Cara when she leaned into you...THAT was what I got from the post...so beautiful...love and gentle hugs...Karen
{{{HUGS}}}
How is it possible we say that all these years have passed since our children left our sides. I know Cara is right beside you now with her back facing you. My thoughts are with you today Elissa. I like the soft pop music too!!! I always listen to it and think of Melissa. I liked it when she was alive and we\'d listen to it together...xoxoxo, Connie
Elissa, I hear the pain in this post..The only \"magic word\" I can say to try to comfort you, is one you\'re already attuned to...\"REUNION\"...The further I go on the journey, the \"lighter\" my load of \"baggage\" seems to be becoming...It is as if so many things that used to be important, really aren\'t anymore. And all that matters is that we had/have a loving relationship during our time on earth. Everything important in God\'s viewpoint, I 100% believe will be RESTORED by God--of Whom \"NOTHING IS IMPOSSIBLE\". With love to you and dearest Cara, Donna
Just you.
Peace.
May your angel be in touch with you giving some peace. Love, Kathy
Treasure that warm moment forever, my friend! Cara was a victim of cruel circumstances, and you were left to watch in pain and horror. But the one thing that covers it all, is the bond of your and Cara\'s love for each other! And by loving Cara\'s children, you continue your great love for her as well!
Gentle hugs to you, Elissa. xoxo
Love IS all that matters as that has been spoken again and again by our Kala, Teri\'s daughter and others who have gone on before us. That moment will BE with you forever and I can feel it cradling you. Such a gift.
Today is the day after and huge exhales... You made it and that is what gives all the moms hope here whether they are anticipating their first or have had to navigate many. It matters not just that we do make it with a lot of help from our village.
Loving care to you today dear Elissa and your Cara is forever sitting beside you just like she did on that day of that I am certain.
XO
Joanie
What stands out to me in your journal here is how Cara eventually leaned into you. No matter how angry a child gets, they need to feel the comfort & love of their mother. I\'m glad you have that memory......it is sweet yet powerful.
Much love to you!
Oh, dear friend, yesterday was so busy that I even forgot my mammogram. I feel badly not looking for you on FB yesterday. Just know that even today I am sending you tender love and gentle hugs.
Tightest of heart hugs dear friend~~
It\'s all so unbelievable isn\'t it?
I love you!
Thank you, for sharing your moment, with Cara with us. I could just feel the love, as I read it. Memories....they comfort us...
Lots of love for you, on Cara\'s Angel day.... Lots of love for Cara too...
(((HUGS)))...Julia
We cherish those moments, especially now. I love you and cara! You have helped me walk this path with courage and love and a lot of tears! Sending you both hugs and kisses in the wind!