can't sleep, don't really want to sleep

I had a busy day...early this morning I had planned to go to Ventura, CA

so I got up early, made coffee and breakfast and then drove up the coast. It was such a nice place. I'm

definitely going back. I would even move there...but I am going to go

back a few times before deciding on that.

I then drove home and ate lunch when I got back..and then I decided to

go the CMATO (California Museum of Art at Thousand Oaks.)

It was a nice little exhibit and I saw my friend who had started the museum

out of nothing and is trying to gain traction to have a full blown health and robust

museum here in the community of Thousand Oaks. She told me she was feeling disheartened at the moment

about the whole thing but I urged her onward..She's doing a great job..."Keep the faith alive!!" She seemed cheered

on by that...:) 

But I'll tell you, I woke up this morning feeling so lonely and so unacustomed to

going with my own sense of adventure about life. I have been so urgently or fervently trying to

live a responsible life so that I will survive and also keep home and life together.

So today experiencing all that habituated sense of things, I felt resistant to going on a trip to Ventura to explore

(explore the vibe so to speak.) I just thought to myself - 'I'll choose one destination to point the car

towards and plan a few other places that I am truly interested to stop at and so with that framing I just would get going 'one step at a time' on the adventure..

and I felt heartened and surely then the momentum got going.

I was so excited to be there, I kind of started speedwalking around the town and before I knew it

I probably walked 2.5 miles around town.

Anyways, after I made it back to my apartment, I just thought about that kind of 'proactive' sense

of perspective. I had sat down on my couch and slowly as I watched some tely I started to feel

a sense of woe - like my feelings were washing over me rather than knowing what was  up

- but I addressed that well - I just started to think in terms of not just passively

having a lackluster life and moment - I thought with the absence of something to do... I would shift

mental gears towards 'what's next I can do!?' and so I went to the museum to see the new show.

I don't know if this makes sense but I have found that I have been so automatically feeling as though (my feelings)

gave me such a HIGH BRICK WALL OF FORBIDDEN to do anything - and yet I know I have just as much right as anyway

to enjoy the spirit of being alive...my life may not be a lot of things but it sure is important to embrace what I got!! :)

So when at the museum,

I saw my friend there and she has asked me to be a volunteer one day a week for "senior days" :)

I gladly and happily accepted!!! So I'll have the Treepeople on Saturdays and the CMATO on Thursdays.

Very happy that's happening! And just the involvement I am starting to have in the community 

is really making my life so much better. I feel great about it! 

So now I am trying to get to sleep per the usual routine I have but I am too stoked.

I am having a hard time relaxing...so I decided to come on here and just let it all out.

I need to focus on self care because my inner pendulum (bipolar type) can go from one

extreme to another.

Just sending really good slumber vibes out to you guys - rest well - big hug

and thanks for being there!