CANT SLEEP AGAIN....
GOOD MORNING TO ALL,STILL ON THE NO SLEEPING ROLLER COASTER....I KEEP GOING FROM ONE EXTREME TO THE NEXT.CANT SLEEP,CANT SLEEP...AND WHEN I FINALLY DO THEN I DONT WANT TO GET UP.MY BACK PAIN HAS BEEN SEVERE THAT WHATEVER I DO I AM HURTING.LAYING IN BED IS IMPOSSIBLE WITHOUT DRUGS AND PAIN PATCHES AND THEN I GET TO GROGGY TO MOVE TO GET BACK UP.DOC. GAVE ME A NEW MUSCLE RELAXER BUT THE SIDE EFFECTS ARE HORRIBLE....HEART ATTACK,STROKE,BLEEDING INTESTINES,ECT.ECT,ECT.I NO IF YOU READ THE SIDE EFFECTS ON MOST DRUGS YOU WOULD NEVER TAKE THEM BUT I JUST CANT BRING MYSELF TO TAKEING THIS ONE.AFTER MY DAD DYEING SO SUDDELY A FEW YEARS AGO OF A HEART ATTACK I AM SCARED I WILL SUFFER ONE ALSO.I ALREADY HAVE ISSUES WITH RAPID HEART BEAT AND A HEAVINESS AT TIMES....MY LAST DOCTORS APPT. DIDNT GO SO WELL.THE ORTHOPEDIC SPECIALIST JUST KEPT PUSHING ME TO HAVE CORTOSONE SHOTS IN MY ARM AND BACK.SHE EVEN ADMITTED IT WASNT A CURE FOR ALL BUT MIGHT HELP ME MOVE A LITTLE BETTER.I DO NOT WANT TO GO THROUGH THESE SHOTS!!!!! ITS BAD ENOUGH THE WHOLE REST OF THE DAY AND THE NEXT DAY I COULD BARELY MOVE ,MY LEGS AND BACK EXTREMELY SORE FROM HER EXAM AND TESTS..THE IRONIC THING IS ,SHE IS THE ONE WHO HAS PUT ME OFF WORK SEVERAL TIMES OVER THE PAST TWO YEARS AND THIS VISIT SHE FILLS OUT MY PAPER FOR SOCIAL SECURITY SAYING I JUST CANT WORK RIGHT NOW......IN DECEMBER IT WILL BE FOUR YEARS SINCE MY ACCIDENT MY CONDITION HAS NOT GOTTEN BETTER EXCEPT FOR THE FACT I CAN WALK NOW.THIS VISIT SHE SAYS WELL,WE GET YOU THESE SHOTS AND GET YOU LOOSENED UP MAYBE WE CAN GET YOU BACK TO WORK...YET SHE FILLS OUT MY PAPERWORK STATEING I CAN ONLY SIT OR STAND IN HALF HOUR INTRALVALS DUE TO PAIN...SHE CANNOT EXPLAIN WHY MY LEGS SUDDENLY GIVE OUT ON ME WITHOUT NOTICE...I DONT NO ITS SO FRUSTRATEING...TO TOP IT ALL MY FRIEND CALLED LAST NIGHT TO TELL ME ALL ABOUT THE NEW CLUB OPENEING UP,WHOSE GONNA VOLUNTEER BARTEND AND HOW GREAT THE PLACE LOOKS...SHE EVEN PAID MY YEARS DUES FOR ME....I APPRECIATE SHE DID THAT BUT PEOPLE DONT REALIZE HOW I CANT HANDLE HEARING ABOUT THE CLUB ANYMORE.....IT WAS A BIG PART OF MY LIFE AND LIVELIHOOD,THAT ENDED BADLY AND ITS LIKE IF I AM NO LONGER APART OF IT THEN I WISH IT DIDNT EXIST..IT SEEMS AS IF EVERYONES LIVES KEEP MOVEING ALONG BUT I AM AT THIS DEAD STAND STILL...AND ONCE AGAIN ITS A FUCKING FRIDAY SO THAT MEANS MY ASSHOLE OF A HUSBAND WILL BE TAKEING OFF DOWN THE ROAD AND I AM LEFT HERE IN MY OWN THOUGHTS AGAIN....I HAVE A COUNSELOR APPT.TODAY,BUT WHY BOTHER I MIGHT JUST AS WELL CANCEL,HE IS PUSHING ME TO DO SOME STUPID BREATHING EXERCISES NOW WHEN I GO AND ......I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK.......NO MORE DOCTORS,NO MORE COUNSELORS,NO HUSBAND....JUST MY FREEDOM,SELF WORTH AND DIGNITY.....HOW AM I EVER GONNA GET THERE WHEN I CANT EVEN LEAVE THE DAMN HOUSE......
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I understand how hard it is to watch everyone else living a \"normal\" life. I too often feel stuck and so miss the things I use to do. It is hard when walking is just a chore. I have often gone to a function and watch people walking around and think to myself I wonder if they realize how lucky they are. They walk without ever once thinking about what a miracle it is. It is such a gift and we all take advantage of it and never think about it until it is stolen away. Try to find comfort in knowing you are not alone and that there are others who feel your pain and frustration. Try to do something nice for yourself this weekend. Treat yourself like the great person you really are. Jenn