Can you believe
I think one gets to be at the point , where you think this is it, this is the best I will ever feel. There will almost always be a daily reminder and almost always one or usually more episodes of fighting back tears.
Would you believe that I still can't delete Karina's cell phone number from my family list??? Early on I even called it once.
Sometimes I open the door where she died and today I went an stood there and thought , this is where she took her last breath.
I accept I will never be able to go to the basement level of the house and not relive that day, terrible , terrible day.
I also accept that I will always ask why, and wish that I could go back and prevent what happened.
I accept that certain things will always be a part of the rest of my life
on this earth. This is the reality.
Would you believe that I still can't delete Karina's cell phone number from my family list??? Early on I even called it once.
Sometimes I open the door where she died and today I went an stood there and thought , this is where she took her last breath.
I accept I will never be able to go to the basement level of the house and not relive that day, terrible , terrible day.
I also accept that I will always ask why, and wish that I could go back and prevent what happened.
I accept that certain things will always be a part of the rest of my life
on this earth. This is the reality.
Replies
The sad, heart breaking reality!!! Until I cross the bar someday!!!!!
I feel your heart deep within mine sweetie. Kala\'s tragedy didn\'t happen at home, but I still went into, and looked into, her room with the overwhelming sad knowledge that she\'d never again laugh or sing or talk to her friends in that room....
I\'m not one to believe any moment in time is the best I will ever feel. I do know the worst... But for me, I push myself to find new joys each day and to hold onto the joys I found yesterday. I set my mind on a path...maybe a gullible path...but it\'s a path that helps me. I focus on positive energy, asking The Great Spirit and Kala to guide me closer to joy each day.
And yes, I understand about her cell phone. Would you believe after 5 years...after giving away 99% of her clothes and other possessions, I hold onto a used container of deodorant that was Kala\'s! Makes no sense to the outside world, but to us....it makes sense to our hearts. I just started using one of Kala\'s hair brushes last year. Of all the things I could have grabbed onto so closely, it ended up being a hair brush and a deodorant stick!
Holding you close with all my heart and sending all the love I\'ve ever known to you this very moment~~Teri.
Yes, it is the reality you are living and the reality I am living. I have learned from others, whom I trust, who are further along on this horrible road, that this reality changes. I don\'t believe it. I feel exactly the same way you do. Everything reminds me of my April, all day; at night, I dream and sometimes that\'s not good. I have no rest, no respite. Without my reliance upon God and without the many, many signs He has given me, I would not be sitting here. There are places I, too, can never go again. When I see the mountains while driving (I live in a beautiful place), I think of her, of the trips we took, of my efforts to bring her into the \"world\" and away from what I knew would end in a horrible way. There is a \"cloud\" over reality, like a camera lens filter. The things that once brought me so much joy, so much joy, like bird song, the smell of flowers (everywhere in the Catskills at this time of year), barely touch my heart. Everything is filtered through this settling grief which has found its place in my heart, my mind, my soul. I am going to Lourdes in October. I am hoping to be cured of this horror. Pray. God weeps with us. Don\'t underestimate His ability to help you. I, too, have not deleted from my phone\'s \"history\" the two calls April made to me from my cell phone the day she left. I can\'t do it. I think this is normal. WE are normal, the new normal. God bless you.
Jill
Yes, I believe it as I have Doug\'s last call to us on our home phone. I too have not been able to erase it and called his phone numerous times after he died to listen to his voice and his message... All of it I believe and if it brings comfort then that\'s as it needs to be.
I think there will always be the sorrow right below the surface and that this IS our life now. Each of us navigating and doing our best and being ever so gentle with our healing hearts.
Thank you for sharing your heart today as I know it takes courage to do it. I hope that you find you are among loving companions who so get it and will embrace you and everything that you share.
Heartfelt hugs of so much understanding my friend.
XO Joanie
I have Morgan\'s texts, her number is on my cell, I have an email on my computer,,,the door to her room is kept closed,,,I only go in once a week to water her plant...her things ar where they belong and they are not going anywhere....reality is hard,,((hugs))
Tight hugs. I wish this reality was not real for either of us. Terry
I still have Jackie\'s phone number on my cell. I can\'t delete it. I don\'t live at home anymore because I did separate from my husband, but when I go back there to pick things up and I walk up the stairs, the first room I see is Jackie\'s. Still in tact, still her bed made, still all her clothes. I walk in, sit on the bed and cry. Jackie had a lot of tattoos and she talked me into getting them. Once you start you can\'t stop, so i\'m getting another one to honor her. 63 years old and getting a tattoo LOL. But, I know if she\'s looking down on me she is smiling that beautiful smile of hers. Yes, this is our reality, but I don\'t know if I will ever accept it. Much Love, Gail