Can't Take Anymore...
I have had enough. So tired of trying to hold things together. More and more unravels as I hang by a thread. Tired of struggling to grasp that courage and faith. Who was I kidding? I am feeling so very hopeless, tired and just ready to give up.
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Wait Kim, stop for a second. A toe? And that puts your life on hold? When I was laid up with multiple pelvic fractures, fractured arm, dislocations seemingly everywhere, I was set up with a water bottle, thermos of coffee and a few sandwiches for the day. I didn’t want anyone waiting on me. Think about it, if you’re always there taking on the role then that’s what will happen. Change your mindset about who you are. Find some nature and spend some time there. Get away from his tv and smoking. Practice detachment so it becomes real. That’s what you can do to heal yourself. If not now, when? I’m sorry you are having such a tough time. I know that feeling of overwhelmingness. It’s temporary if you make it so. Hugs. I think it’s time to do an intervention with yourself:)
I did that for him too. Set him up for the day with a drink and lunch in a small cooler. I am looking at the cooking, cleaning, laundry, having to take charge and make an effort to get repairs done around the house (deck, bathroom floor...) back to the tax deal again... Setting him up in the other bathroom to shower,(then cleaning up the sloppy mess left on the floor) helping to shoe him before he goes out. It feels endless . Working full time, some extra hours to cover vacations, lugging and lifting 40-50 lb boxes to put the loads away. And I need to get out and trim my shrubs as they are growing and covering the pathway to the house.
It is too much. But I started. Taking things one step at a time. At least I can feel like I got something done. Still nothing to really look forward to, but a bit of accomplishment.
There’s a free meditation app called insight timer. Thousands to choose from. I think you should try it. Especially if you have headphones :) Some talks are just about self care. Hint.... one step at a time is the only way to go unless you have 4 legs or more. Wish I was closer to help with the carpentry stuff.
Look forward to not meeting his every damn need by stop meeting his very damn need. Get his sister over to help if you need to.
I think it can only end when you just stop doing it. If it’s what you learned growing up, you have to know that there is no such thing as this being your destiny. I saw some horrific behavior growing up and it affected me but I definitely knew that just because it was like that in my family it didn’t mean I was destined to experience it myself. Not a chance. You have to change the role you have written for yourself. You are completely in charge. Really, please see that. It may not feel that way but honestly so much comes down to what you permit, the pressure you put on yourself. I wish it were easier for you and I hope you do take time to just get some peace and quiet away, even for an hour, just to give yourself a chance to rest and reset.