Can't Take Anymore...
I have had enough. So tired of trying to hold things together. More and more unravels as I hang by a thread. Tired of struggling to grasp that courage and faith. Who was I kidding? I am feeling so very hopeless, tired and just ready to give up.
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Kim,
Don't you dare give up. You are stronger than that. You strive for a better life and happiness. Never give up on your dreams. No matter how difficult it seems, it will be worth it. Anyone can row a boat down stream. It takes determination and will to row one up stream. Many great achievers in life, wanted to give up too but, they wanted to achieve their goal so, they kept on, keeping on. Edison failed over 900 times before he finally made the first light bulb. When he was asked about it, this is what he said. I haven't failed 900 times I have just found out that there are 900 ways that you can't make a light bulb" He kept trying and finally achieved his goal.
Life is not always fair. In many cases, life is very hard but, giving up is not the solution to life. It's like learning to walk, we fall down, we bruise our faces, lips, bang out heads but, we keep trying till we master it. It's the same way with goals in life. Why rob yourself of happiness because you want to give up? I know I may not know your direct circumstances but, I want to encourage you to hang in there.
Hard to rally when you've been down so long, I know. The old expression, "the only way out is through" is so true. I think you are strong enough but self doubt is a little a-hole, isn't it?
What do you need, right at this moment, that could help you, even if just a little bit?
there is a little light in tunnel...find and follow the light....
Thank you all for the kind words. What I need right at this moment …? To hang tight to that glimmer of hope and little bud of courage that I try so hard to help others find. I truly thought that maybe there is a happy ending (or at least a life with purpose and some sense of satisfaction and contentment for all of us. )
I did dare to dream and to believe. I realize I have things to be thankful for. But I was a fool to believe there was to be a happy life for me. Once again, I am here to care for everyone else. I do not get a turn. As things fall apart around me, I am left shouldering the burdens alone. What I really need is to know (and feel) someone IS there with me to hold my hand and share my tears (of sadness and wishfully someday of joy ) as I try to keep on going. (I know I should have faith, right now even God is feeling so very far away. I just feel so overwhelmed and yes, that self doubt is pounding me into the ground.)
Stbx once said that light at the end of the tunnel is an oncoming train. Kinda feels that way right now.
Are you seeing a therapist? I don't mean that to imply you need mental health help but more that it could be helpful to have an additional resource to navigate some of this stuff, especially because you are feeling overwhelmed.
There's faith in god, but also, you have to have faith in yourself too. Faith in yourself to take action and make necessary changes. We have to be an active participant in our own happiness. It's just something we have to pursue. We don't always get someone to hold us steady through that fight, unfortunately. That's where you have to really rely on yourself. I think most people, even those who have friends and family to comfort them, are finding that most of the challenges they face are really ultimately faced alone.
Helping others is noble and I see how kind and encouraging you are to others. Be equally, if not more so, to yourself. If the cabin pressure in an airplane falls while flying and the oxygen mask drops, you don't make sure everyone has a mask and then you are left struggling for air. You put your mask on yourself first before you help others. So start paying more attention helping yourself, to your needs and being encouraging to yourself. You are not just here to care for everyone else. Just stop doing that. That is something you can actively do to change your situation. So, stuff will work out. But not without some changes on your part.
I feel a tremendous amount of compassion for you. And I know you're so unhappy. I just wish you could see that some of it actually is within your control to change.
My friend, hugs Please be gentle with yourself. Sit down and let those feelings out. There is nothing wrong with feeling like you do. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to feel wanted and needed. You definitely deserve to be loved. We all feel like we would love to throw in the towel at times. Sit down and cry all you want. I cried so much too. There is a bright light at the end of that tunnel, run towards it my friend. One day you will realize that you are smiling more, laughing more and all this will be far behind you. But you need to take that first step. That hard, horrible first step. Hugs and you can do it.
I am afraid I am that person handing out the oxygen masks to discover I have a half gasp of air left. Figuring, wth my life is not that great anyway. I truly am my mother's daughter. (I loved her dearly, as grandmothers before her, but I did learn their unhealthy ways of putting all before themselves.) Now again it comes down to staying and (helping, supporting, enabling?) stbx as he faces yet another health scare. I don't know how to put my own self worth or (physical or emotional ) health first without putting his (or another's ) on the back burner. I was taught that is selfish. And apparently is more expected to remain unhappy but faithful , loyal and supportive.
I do wonder if my mother,...ever did reach the point of anger, resentment, emptiness or hopelessness? Actually, as I think back, she too had these moments. Is a very sad existence.
And I do still have a little glimmer of hope and deep desire for more of an existence... Just trying like hell to hang tight to that rope.
(Probably could use therapy again, keep thinking of more DRs, more $, )
I as you know i have uttered those same words quite recently in fact. So i know how your feeling right now. I know sad and I know your hurting and I know what it's like to feel like Gods forgotten about you and doesn't care but please dont give up, your a fighter youve made it this far and you can keep going. Don't listen to him he's just mad cause that so called train he refers to has already defeated him. It's ok to feel defeated when things become too much, but the important part is you don't give up. Raise back out the ashes like a pheniox and fight like hell to make your dreams real. Keep the hope that distant flicker is a light you just have to continue to fight for it. "There's a hand still holding you even if you don't believe it. You may be down but your not out. There's better days still up ahead." "Even though you can't see it heavens working everything for your good. Tell your heart to beat again."
You may not see it yet but he's still working out his masterpiece for you, you just haven't seen it yet. But your not alone in this fight you have many here to help you, carry you and reassure you. And you got me I'll always be in your corner to give you that hug, that shoulder to cry on and the tissue to wipe your eyes after. Or if need be give you that kick in the ass to get you fighting again. I'll tell you what I see when I look at you, I see a warrior with a heart of gold who deserves so much, I see my work Mama who always listens to me rant and gives me that kick that I need when I don't feel like trying anymore. I love you and you will raise from this.
Kim it's never wrong to be upset it's never wrong to want attention it's never wrong to cry it's not even wrong to scream or throw a fit. What is wrong is to never be heard and be alone in your pain. What is wrong is to keep it all inside. What is wrong his to blame yourself for simply Being Human. Think about it. Big hug
Thank you all so much. :) I am still trying.
I'll just echo what everyone else said
I will pray for you.
God Bless
So I’m going to get all eastern philosophical on ya.... ready? The more I look at what hope is the less I try to entertain it. Because it’s projecting our life into the future and that leaves us not living now. Any future is only built on how we decide to live each precious moment. Can we be happy cleaning, cooking, working, etc. ? Better because sometimes that’s the whole day. Life needs to be lived in the mundane as well as the high points. The whole trick is creating the joy inside no matter what is going on outside. Gandhi said ‘I will not let their dirty feet walk through my clean mind ‘. And this (I know you know this) starts by loving yourself. Cause when we are loving ourselves then aren’t we with god? God’s always there, it’s our job to open to that. On your way home from work instead of listening to the radio listen to the silence and be thankful for a few moments to yourself. Practice generating some positive energy whenever you can. It’s like creating a new habit in a way. I know starting is so hard. There’s so much resistance because we have convinced ourselves that it’s not possible. Don’t buy into that!!! Ok so that’s my ‘tough love’ speech. I care about you too and want you to feel better.
Oh Kim, please don’t give up! I haven’t been on in a while and don’t know what has happened in your situation. I feel so bad that you have come to feeling so down. It comes down to how much do you want your dreams to come true, I wish I could give you a hug and take away your distress. Just remember, you come first and need to love yourself! I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. I want you to be happy and achieve your goals. You know I care about you and want you to be happy. Hang tough! This may sound corny, but remember, it is darkest before the dawn. Big hugs to you!
Finallyawakenow, you nailed it.
He is losing another toe (second one) on the other foot tomorrow . He seems to be doing better and handling it than I am. He said not to worry that he will be ok and trying to help handle more when he is home. Yes, the same words again. Says he doesn't want to lose me.
I left work early because I was in tears for the better part of the morning. I see more work, more responsibility, all shouldered alone. I am feeling stupid for thinking I can ever escape this or that there was someone else who did truly care and wants me
RMB asked me yesterday what I need right now? I need just one thing that I can look forward to. (Used to be getting out on my own 2 feet again... and going to see my SM. Now I have put them both by the wayside. AGAIN.) With nothing to look forward to, it doesn't seem to matter if I do see another day. (May God forgive me for feeling that way right now)