Can't stop; things are really getting worse

I purged only once today, and I cut twice.  But I feel absolutely terrible.  I purged yesterday, and the day before.  Luckily, it was just once on both of those days as well.  But this is still more than I used to do.  I feel like I am not trying but at the same time I know that I am so enmeshed in everything that it is very difficult for any of my efforts to be effective.  I tried for over a week not to cut, and I made it until today.  
I just don't know what to do.  I am ambivalent about recovery.  I'm not sure what I want.  Which I know will just make it harder to recover anyway.  It's so frustrating.  I don't want to waste my money and my therapist's time by having sessions but not putting all my efforts into stopping.  I don't know if maybe I should stop treatment for a bit until I can decide I want to be well?  Or should I get more intense treatment?  I'm so confused.
My next therapy appt. is on Thursday and it feels so far away, especially since I had to miss our session last week.