Can't sleep, Don't feel like eating.. .I can't stop thinking...

     When you look at me, you might think you know me.  You don't.  The cold, hard truth is, I don't even know me sometimes.  I'm a shadow of a person, filled in by the air around me.  Forever changing, I can't keep up with myself.  From one crazed, manic phase, to the next crippling depression, I'm another person.  Each time, I'm a little more me, and a little less me.  I gain more of myself, but I still can not make it to my full person.  The black hole within my mind grows larger and stronger everyday.  The more aware of myself I become, the faster it breaks me away.  I'm sinking in, to myself.
     People say they love me, and expect me to say it back, I can't.  I don't love them.  I don't love anyone or anything.  I don't know how to.  Yet, somehow, I know how to hate.  I try not to, but part of me is filled with so much rage.  My anger scares me.  It takes me over, completely and causes me to hurt myself.  Sometimes, I'm scared that someday, I'll hurt someone else.  So I push everyone away.  If no one is around, I can't hurt them, right?
     I hate myself.  Ther isn't a day that goes by wher I don't feel like a complete waste.  Everyone around me keeps moving,  buy I'm stuck at a stand still.  I envy them, how their lives continue.  They live without a care in the world.  I want that.  However, I'm stuck.  I'm stuck because I'm scared.  I'm down right terrified of what could happen.  All of the bad races through my mind.
     My brain never stops.  Constantly it runs about thinking, worrying, and planning.  I can't seem to get a moments rest from it all.  It's so hard to sleep, or even focus on anything most days.  Some days, I can only function for a few hours.  The rest of the time I"m trying to get my mind to slow down, but it's racing about trying to process a thousand thoughts at once.  It's difficult for me to enjoy anything.  Things that I used to enjoy, are now discarded because I can't focus on them.  I'm too busy sinking into a black hole of hatred.
    I don't think people really like me.  Even when they say they do, I feel like it's fake.  One day they might realize they hate me.  So, I try to do everything  I can to make people like me.  Everything, I mean that.  I've even had sex with a gross, grimy man as old as my father.  I thought it was the only way for him to like me.  I constantly feel like I'm in a competition with the whole world.  I feel like, if I don't win, I'll be nothing.  Failure is not an option.  I have to do whatever it takes to become perfect, no matter what the cost.
     I've lost a lot over my years trying to be perfect.  Yet I've never reached my goals.  So I've spent all my time working on something that I might never even get to.  Essentially, I've wasted my life.  I have no purpose, no meaning in this world.