CAN\'T SEEM TO HELP MYSELF!

Thursday, 1-8-09:  Yet another missed day of work.  I just can't seem to get well.  First of all, I overslept.  I called in and told "them" I was running late.  About an hour later I called back and told them I wouldn't be in at all.  I was so dizzy!  I called the local clinics and they had no appointments available.  So, I called my Internal Medicine doctor, who is twenty miles away, and managed to get an appointment, the last of her day.  She gave me a different antibiotic than what I have taken the past three times.  She gave me several other meds, too.  One, I did not fill.  It was Elavil.  I have taken that in the past to sleep.  If I oversleep now, imagine what that would do!!! I know it made me really groggy in the morning, before.  She was supposed to give me an inhaler but didn't. I have asthma like symtoms.   I will call her tomorrow.  I have to call anyway, about my chest x-ray.  I am so sick of being sick!  This has been going on since October!  I have missed so much work.  I am concerned about my job, although no one has said a thing.  I just want to get well!  And, even though I have good insurance, they don't pay it all.  I just can't really afford all this right now.  You know, I don't really care if I die.  But, if I have to live, I don't want to live being sick. And then, there is the drinking.  I enjoy it.  It is the end to my day.  Rum and Coke after all the "have to's" are finished.  My treat.  However, I think "my treat" causes me trouble.  I know it can't be good when I am sick.  And yet, I continue.  I never, ever, mix it with anything.  But give me a choice between my Valium and my drink....I will take my drink.  I know I will feel better the next day if I take the Valium, but, I choose the drink.  I think it just gives me a break I can't get from anything else.  It slows my mind.  And strange, but true, it really helps me slow down enough to sort things out in my mind.  However, it seems to be causing problems!  Oh yea!  another thing to deal wth!   I feel like I am gaining ground on so many levels.  And yet, on others, I am losing.  I am sick and missing work.  I am drinking more than I EVER did before.  I have gained at least twenty pounds since Scott died.  (That is probably from the drinking.)  I just don't know how to get balance! I am so confused about so many things, still.  Chris is doing well.  He is working on his sleep apnea and trying to find a part-time job until the baseball season starts.  He is still working on his house and doing well.  I have a home.  I am warm.  I am not hungry.  I have a husband that truly loves me.  I have a job that I truly love and kids there that have my heart.  Really.  My Mom is fighting a brave fight with cancer and is, so far, winning.  I have many friends.  Many of Scott's friends are still in contact with me. Adam is hanging in there.  What the HELL is the matter with me?!?!?!?  Why can I not focus on all these positives?  Why do I do things that are negative?  Am I punishing myself without knowing that I am?  Or, am I just crazy?  I wish I could just go back in time and do so many things differently.  But, in life, there are just no "do overs". And, to add fuel to the fire, a friend of Scott's just lost her baby.  He was about nine months old.  He fell and hit his head on a table at the babysittter's.  He got fussy, she put him down for a nap, and he died.  His Dad was a really good friend of Scott's.  And, an Uncle is a really good friend of Adam.  It is all so sad!  And, so much finger pointing.  At this point I am understanding.  My kids has some HARD falls. I never took them to the doctor.  I put ice on whatever and monitored them.  That was that.  Kids fall....sometimes hard.....I never imagined my child would die from one.  I really hope the babysitter had nothing to do with his death. And, as I was reading the obituaries today, I came across a name that is uncommon and is the same as someone I know.  It turns out this man, 45, worked at the same hospital as my husband.  I only met him and his son once.  His ex-wife lived in an apartment next to the business I owned.  She was crazy as a loon.  She would come into my store talking to herself or "whoever".  On good days she was okay. On others, not so much.   Anyway, about a year ago she caused a horrible car accident (drunk) and a man, on his way home from work, died.  She is in prison for 15 years.  So now I read about this man's death.  His fourteen year old son, who he had custody of, is in the care of family.  My heart hurts. It has been a sad week.  I am going to work tomorrow (today) in spite of what my doctor says. (She wants me to stay off until Mon.)  I just cannot afford to miss work.  I am too afraid of having my position questioned.