Can't keep on like this ... Just CAN'T !!!!

I can't keep on living like this.... especially since I wouldn't really call it living ! 

How can you call it living when I'm constantly being put down, threatened, yelled at, hurt - emotionally and physically, and constantly bullied... day and night ! What kind of life is that ? ... Answer is... IT ISN'T !!!! 

So... WHAT is the ANSWER ???? 

I wish to GOD that I knew.

At this point I've been thinking of 2 things.... 

Either giving up most of my things - belongings / in general, except for some clothes, art supplies, and personal items - and doing whatever it takes to be " put " in a nursing home / rehab center as a " long-term " resident ! 

OR.... my 2nd " option " - if I dare call it an option - .... is to kill myself ! 

I don't want to live like this ! 

I HATE MY LIFE ! 

I wish I had left this life when Mom passed away anyway. My life - my world - hasn't been the same since she passed away. 

Nothing has been the same since she passed away. 

It's been over 3 years now since Mom left this earthly life, and it still feels like it happened just yesterday ! 

It's been a constant strain on me to simply smile at normal things ever since losing Mom. Anything that used to have me busting out laughing nearly uncontrollably, now I can barely manage to smile at ! I wouldn't even call it a smile as much as a pained grimace instead. 

HE doesn't even TRY to understand.

As much as he loves to tell me how emotionally " tortured " he is STILL from losing his 1st wife Amy - OVER 12 years ago; still he either can't or simply WON'T bring himself to show me ANY compassion for the pain I'm still going through from losing my Mom ! 

Compassion - understanding - patience - true kindness - gentleness .... ALL of those things are either NON-existent, or EXtremely scarce in Him ! 

One things for damn sure... He sure as hell rarely ever shows ANY of those emotions / traits ! 

Of course, If I dared to try to have a calm adult conversation with him, it would inevitably lead to a huge arguement ! Calling it an argument barely scratches the surface of the rage that would boil up - and boil over - from him ! 

Talking to him - in general - is hardly ever possible. 

Where with anyone else, a calm conversation would not lead to an argument. But with him it's an entirely different story ! 

No matter how calm I keep my tone of voice.... even if I'm keeping my voice in a very soft volume - non-confrontational... STILL he'll jump right into ASSUMING the worst possible meaning from my words..... more, or less, adding words that I didn't even say ! 

It's as if he was listening to someone else talk to him entirely ! He definitely didn't hear the words I said, that's for damn sure ! 

Even if he " actually " heard my words, somehow something malfunctions in his brain and translates my words into an entirely incorrect meaning !!!!! 

Tell me... HOW does a person EVER have a CALM INTELLIGENT ADULT CONVERSATION with someone that does that EVERY DAMN TIME ?!?!?!?!? 

I have high blood pressure as it is.... so I DON'T need this EXTRA STRESS ! 

Sure I have medicine I'm taking for my high blood pressure right now - BUT it's OUT of refills, and I still have to figure out WHAT doctor I'm going to see to get that straightened out.... and HOW ?!?!?!