Can't fight anymore

Do you ever feel like no matter how hard you try to be better. To be less lazy, nicer, more helpful,  happier... You always fail??
I want yo be better,  i want to do more and make people around me happier.  I want to suck it up and just do whatever it takes to not be such an annoyance and a burden... I try... I try to smile and not show when I'm in pain, or upset, or not feeling well... But... I never succeed...i think that is what i hate the most about myself... My inability to just completely hide how I feel.... But I've been shutting down again.. so it probably won't be long til I shut myself away from everyone.. maybe that it for the best... I'm not doing anyone a bit of good... I'm finding it harder and harder to stay strong... To live.... I'm trying soo hard... I just want to be good for once...but I'm not... And I'm finally realizing I never will be.... I will always be this lazy, worthless piece of crap..... Just as bitchy and heartless as always... And I'm really starting to wonder.... is it time to prevent myself from being a problem any longer..? I just don't know if i can do this anymore.... i don't have the energy to get myself through day after day like this... I'm alive, but I'm not living.. i may be breathing, my heart may be beating, but i feel like i am already dead inside.... I'm sooo ready to let go.... to say goodbye... i just don't want to cause my family any more trouble by killing myself...  i just want it to end... I'm done fighting this war inside myself... It's a war i will never win... I don't have the energy to fight anymore...