Can't believe it's been a year since my last journal entry
I can't believe it's been just over a year since I wrote a journal entry!
So much has changed - I have been on the rollercoaster up and down so many times. Right now I am on the "down" slope. I have been "up" many times but not for quite awhile now. I think that the initial shock of being left after 33 years and working so hard and putting most of my energy into getting better is passing. I stopped actively trying to "heal" and don't force myself to go to different meet-up groups and socialize as much as I did during the first year and a half. Lately, I have a group of single and married women friends in my neighborhood and we get together and have a game night, Bunco group, and birthday dinner club. I enjoy my time with them and they are great fun (most of the time) but our activities are becoming routine. I feel no anticipation and excitement when I get up each day. Rather I do not enjoy going to work anymore most days and surf the internet or watch TV in the evenings. I have started Zumba with a friend once or twice a week but it is so hard for me to get motivated to go. But it does feel good when I am finished that I did it!
My daughter and her family are also right in my neighborhood and we get together a lot and talk almost every day. My other daughter calls me all the time and visits about once a month (2 1/2 hours drive). My son in Fla. calls me about every week or so. I am very lucky in that respect. But when the ex comes to visit my daughter here I feel so agitated that he is close by and still have "fantasies" that he will come knock on my door to see me. But I know that won't happen but can't seem to stop thinking about that possibility. It's unfathomable to me that he is so close (a few blocks away) and doesn't want to see me. I really need to get over this. I must learn to accept my new reality. I can't seem to get to that point yet. That is truly an overwhelming challenge for me. I still think about how it "could have been."
The biggest problem I have now is that I feel sad and lonely without my ex. So many changes and the loss of the family unit all together. I am already dreading the holidays. I lived through the last 2 Thanksgivings and Christmases but I hate that time of year now. It just makes this situation unbearable. I still find it hard to believe that he stopped loving me. I still ruminate on this all the time lately.
I wonder if it is normal to only think about all the good things that we had and how wonderful of a husband he was. I don't seem to recall the times he wasn't and how unhappy that my family and best friend said I was (still don't feel that I was THAT unhappy - maybe just a little.) I craved a more physical and emotional connection and the feeling that I was the most important thing in his life but there was always a nagging feeling deep within me that I wasn't. And I just heard on a TV show today that women have intuition and we need to listen to it more. Too late for that now. But I would have never left him then or even now if we were still together.
I am the type of person who thrives on change - good changes of course like a trip somewhere, a new activity, a new job, meeting new friends, buying a new home, my daughter having her babies, etc. - just some general excitement. I feel so bored and want some change. My life is busy but it feels so blah.
I also think I need to continue working toward the healing process so it becomes easier each day and I find more happiness and contentment with my life as it is now. I want to be a more joyful and grateful person. I want to be happy with myself and my situation. I probably should read more self-help and inspirational books but I feel burned out on them and find them unhelpful lately.
Well, at least I can reread this in a few months to see if things have changed for the better. I know it is all about my attitude so I am hoping to snap out of this funk. Sometimes it is just so exhausting to put this much effort into this new life.
So much has changed - I have been on the rollercoaster up and down so many times. Right now I am on the "down" slope. I have been "up" many times but not for quite awhile now. I think that the initial shock of being left after 33 years and working so hard and putting most of my energy into getting better is passing. I stopped actively trying to "heal" and don't force myself to go to different meet-up groups and socialize as much as I did during the first year and a half. Lately, I have a group of single and married women friends in my neighborhood and we get together and have a game night, Bunco group, and birthday dinner club. I enjoy my time with them and they are great fun (most of the time) but our activities are becoming routine. I feel no anticipation and excitement when I get up each day. Rather I do not enjoy going to work anymore most days and surf the internet or watch TV in the evenings. I have started Zumba with a friend once or twice a week but it is so hard for me to get motivated to go. But it does feel good when I am finished that I did it!
My daughter and her family are also right in my neighborhood and we get together a lot and talk almost every day. My other daughter calls me all the time and visits about once a month (2 1/2 hours drive). My son in Fla. calls me about every week or so. I am very lucky in that respect. But when the ex comes to visit my daughter here I feel so agitated that he is close by and still have "fantasies" that he will come knock on my door to see me. But I know that won't happen but can't seem to stop thinking about that possibility. It's unfathomable to me that he is so close (a few blocks away) and doesn't want to see me. I really need to get over this. I must learn to accept my new reality. I can't seem to get to that point yet. That is truly an overwhelming challenge for me. I still think about how it "could have been."
The biggest problem I have now is that I feel sad and lonely without my ex. So many changes and the loss of the family unit all together. I am already dreading the holidays. I lived through the last 2 Thanksgivings and Christmases but I hate that time of year now. It just makes this situation unbearable. I still find it hard to believe that he stopped loving me. I still ruminate on this all the time lately.
I wonder if it is normal to only think about all the good things that we had and how wonderful of a husband he was. I don't seem to recall the times he wasn't and how unhappy that my family and best friend said I was (still don't feel that I was THAT unhappy - maybe just a little.) I craved a more physical and emotional connection and the feeling that I was the most important thing in his life but there was always a nagging feeling deep within me that I wasn't. And I just heard on a TV show today that women have intuition and we need to listen to it more. Too late for that now. But I would have never left him then or even now if we were still together.
I am the type of person who thrives on change - good changes of course like a trip somewhere, a new activity, a new job, meeting new friends, buying a new home, my daughter having her babies, etc. - just some general excitement. I feel so bored and want some change. My life is busy but it feels so blah.
I also think I need to continue working toward the healing process so it becomes easier each day and I find more happiness and contentment with my life as it is now. I want to be a more joyful and grateful person. I want to be happy with myself and my situation. I probably should read more self-help and inspirational books but I feel burned out on them and find them unhelpful lately.
Well, at least I can reread this in a few months to see if things have changed for the better. I know it is all about my attitude so I am hoping to snap out of this funk. Sometimes it is just so exhausting to put this much effort into this new life.
Replies
Donna I hope you catch a upswing that will make you feel better. You seem to have a lot going on hope you feel better soon. Your friend Chuck
I hear you! I think this is normal (at least I hope so). Right now I\'m not down, but not exactly up, if that makes sense. I\'m thinking of you-hope things head in an upward direction for you
Sounds like you have a lot of blessings my friend. Family close and lots of friends. Why don\'t you ask one of them to go on a trip with you? That would be a blast!
I, too, think you have alot of good things going on in your life, but understand the \"having things to look forward to\" as I am the same way.
I can\'t tell you how lucky you are in regards to your kids. 3 of mine live far away and I rarely hear from them and my one daughter who does live nearby I rarely hear from either. What you have with your kids I can only dream of. You are truly blessed.
I agree with KRK about taking a trip with a friend. Any chance of that?
I second KRKing\'s idea. I just returned from a week vacation visiting a good friend in Anchorage who is working up there this summer through fall. When I found out she was going there, I immediately made plans to visit. I had a blast and laughed more in one week than I have during the past four years. For a week I had a total break from all my nagging responsibilities, doubts, fears, anxieties, etc. Wonderful. DO IT!
Honey, I am on the same page as KRKing and VectorForward in that maybe planning a trip for YOURself would be good medicine! I took two or three long-distance trips during the 18 Months of Hell and have done the same thing again in the past 2-1/2 years. I actually discovered that I enjoy traveling solo MORE than when I have to drag someone else along!
A long time ago, I read \"If you are bored with your life SHAKE IT UP!\" I\'m getting ready to shake mine up again and while it\'s a little scary, I\'m not going to let fear of the unknown shackle me!
You are really doing well in the long run. Two years isn\'t all that long out of a 25+ year marriage. Give yourself more time, my dear. Trust me when I tell you it will all be ok. Big hugs to you my friend! xoxo
Hi. I don't know your situation that well but 10 months ago when you wrote this it seems to me you had just hit a plateau in your healing process - when you re- read this is that the case???? recovering from something as traumatic as you did will definitely have it's ups and downs. I know you know this! but wondering if it was just a break/pause in the process.