Can't believe he's really gone
I can't believe he's really gone...at least, physically. While I have had signs from him, its not the same as having him here in person...while I can go longer between crying episodes, I still miss him and cry several times a day...sometimes for a long time, sometimes just for a moment. Thursday will be 13 weeks. Part of me is still waiting to 'wake up from this nightmare...but the nightmare is on going. I don't think I will be happy again, until the time comes when we are fully reunited.
I still cry out to God, 'how could this have happened'...'why did you take him'...that kind of thing. Now there are issues with my son's school and his regular worker...while the worker is away, the other staff cant always handle his outbursts...I can barely handle his outbursts...we really needed Tom in so many ways...this is just so bloody unfair. It's 3 am where I live, and my son still hasn't gone to sleep...I will take him to school, where he will likely have an outburst and be sent home...I may as well just wait in the parking lot for the inevitable call that will come roughly 30 minutes after he arrives...
I have no motivation to clean the house, or to do much of anything...I get the errands done, and work a little on the computer, as we do have to eat...and smoke my brains out...other than that, I do fuck all else. For the most part, I just don't fucking care anymore...
While Tom was sick I prayed and prayed for mercy for this family...if this is what mercy is, I hate to see vengeance...
I still cry out to God, 'how could this have happened'...'why did you take him'...that kind of thing. Now there are issues with my son's school and his regular worker...while the worker is away, the other staff cant always handle his outbursts...I can barely handle his outbursts...we really needed Tom in so many ways...this is just so bloody unfair. It's 3 am where I live, and my son still hasn't gone to sleep...I will take him to school, where he will likely have an outburst and be sent home...I may as well just wait in the parking lot for the inevitable call that will come roughly 30 minutes after he arrives...
I have no motivation to clean the house, or to do much of anything...I get the errands done, and work a little on the computer, as we do have to eat...and smoke my brains out...other than that, I do fuck all else. For the most part, I just don't fucking care anymore...
While Tom was sick I prayed and prayed for mercy for this family...if this is what mercy is, I hate to see vengeance...
Replies
Ah Wendi . . I so understand your pain and frustration. Yes, it seems that this is all so bloody unfair. I understand crying out to God . . ranting and raving!! This is normal in early grief. Heck, even the other day I had a tantrum and find myself yelling out to the Universe and Jim at large. WTF?? Why?? I hope that one day the madness will start to make some sense. Til then, we just hold on tight girlfriend. I\'ll be thinking and sending positive energy your way. Hugs, D
Oh, Wendi, my heart is breaking for you. You\'re in the throes of grief, it\'s so painful. We\'ve all experienced what you\'re going through.
It\'s unfair!
\"My husband\'s in heaven and I\'m in hell\", right??
I\'m almost 11 months on this journey, and I still break down and cry. But as hard as it is to believe right now, it gets better. We have to go on, and your son needs you more than ever.
I\'m sending you positive vibes and big ((hugs)). Hang in there, dear.
I really feel how over whelmed you feel about Everything!!! I can not begin to give advice as my situation is quite different. For example my son is grown and on his own but I can let you know someone cares and understands. I did learn one thing from DS . That we should take baby steps. I am trying and it is working for me. Big big hugs to you!! I feel you are stronger than you realize.
This is a very painful journey we are on. it has been 5 1/2 months since I lost Jeanne to lung cancer. Yesterday was our anniversary it is 39 years since we said till death do us part. Who knew that those words would actually come true. I had a great day much to my surprise today I couldn\'t stop crying all day and all I want to do is be with her. You need to take one day at a time. I pleaded with God to other night to please take me and end this hell