Can't be mean!
What is wrong with me??? All the people n this site nd everything on chumplady.com say to be cold toward CS and it all makes sense and I feel like I can be strong and do that and the minute I see or hear from him, I can't do it anymore. I cannot be cold or mean! Why? I keep thinking it will be easier eh pen I don't see him all the time, but then I will wonder where is he? Has he forgotten me? I think I am addicted to his attention. He usually calls or texts me many times a day. He tells me sweet things and I love you ALL the time. I am afraid that kind of affirmation has become addicting. And I feel like a bitch for withholding affection, even tho I know I am justified!
Replies
Nothing\'s wrong with you - the question is whether the words and actions match. You can move on or you can be willing to try to make it work. You don\'t have to do that on anyone\'s schedule but your own. I think in the cases where people stop lying & cheating, make amends, become open, etc. then sometimes the relationship can heal. In other cases, the words sound great but the actions don\'t match. In that case, you have to get real. You have to picture his actions and his words as a package and not like there\'s this great \"I love you ALL the time\" guy and the other guy who is doing shady things. If he\'s stopped doing shady things and demonstrates it over time, great. But otherwise you are dealing with a package deal - good words and bad actions and the bad will likely outweigh the good in that case.
Thank you. I do need to remember that along with taking advice from this site and friends, I have to trust my instincts too, and move forward at my pace, but with eyes open. No body has lived my same marriage, even though many of us suffer from similar heartaches.
Nobody knows my H like I do, but lately even I am not sure i know him, based on this lying behavior. I\'ll get to where I need to be, even if it never means being mean to him.
Thanks
Yup, bhamguy is totally correct, and hit it on the head! Back to where you have to quit being his deceased substitute Mom, and make him be accountable. If his words and actions don\'t coincide....you know what that is? It\'s a big fat lie! And is it to manipulate you???? I hope not! Are you concerned about sexual addiction??? If so, well that is a topic, and good reason to engage w/ a professional counselor who specializes in this.
And for you my dear, y ou might want to read up on co-dependency, cuz I do think you are right when you said, addicted to him and his attention, but also his negative drama. YOu almost appear like having him around, at any level is better than not at all. I think you can do that for so long, and finally anger will rear it\'s head, and you will tire of it soon,. You can participate in a co-dependent relationship, without realizing it, but once you learn about it, and realize how dysfunctional it is.....well, it\'s scary....cuz it makes you realize that you have some work to do too! You will have to be more aware how this weakness of yours, has actually caused him to react, interact, and respond to you, and the other women out there. Serial cheating is serious business, and can go on for decades if the spouse is co-dependent, desperate, and not well educated, and advised on this topic! Melody Beattie is a great author on the topic! Trust me, an eye-opener, cuz I thought I was doing stuff right, and then realized I was not!
It\'s not mean, it\'s called do the \"180\" on him, which is opposite of co-dependency. YOu can read up on the 180 topic on this website, as lots has been written about it! When spouse sees the change, it makes them realize, hmmm...something is different, and maybe you\'ll get a different response, and start moving towards a healthy, honest, mature, relationship. Boundaries are a must for a healthy relationship, co-dependency, doesn\'t observe boundaries very well!