can't win
It has been a crazy week and the icing on the cake was a lecture from my son-in-law telling me that I was self centered. I had a very difficult time at his wedding and I guess I said some snarky things that were overheard by her son. I wondered why Beth was so abrupt but I figured it was because she was married and didn't have to be nice anymore. I was really upset when her sister-in-law was totally shocked when I said it was hard for me at the wedding.
Anyway, I probably did comment that it was a little over the top when a 53 year old woman on her 3rd marriage had a fancy wedding complete with a white gown and a retinue of bridesmaids. Guilty.
And Harvey informed me that I had been criticizing them to all their neighbours. I asked which ones - "well, the Schreimers". He mentioned Lydia (their daughter) and I immediately said that I would email Lydia because I really didn't want her to upset her. It turned out that Lydia is not upset. And her parents aren't either. Harvey and Beth are. Again, I assume it was because I told them that their house no longer felt like Lisa's. Anything that remotely reminds one of Lisa is in the basement or in a truck of "Cevyn's memories". Harvey did not appreciate me talking to the neighbours about them.
I told him that I would no longer be going to stay with them. I said that I would visit Lisa's grave. He said "so you will go to the cemetery but not see your granddaughter". I was appalled. I said that of course I would see her. I would even go to their house for tea or a glass of wine but I would no longer stay there because it hurts. It is so tempting to remind him that they would not have their house and 2 acres if it were not for Lisa and us. Lisa went to work when she was not well to pay bills. We lent them money so they would not lose the house. Harvey used my Visa card when he had gone bankrupt and needed a card for his work. After he had racked up $20,000 in charges, I mentioned it to Lisa. She was horrified. I guess when he got his expense checks, he spent the money rather than paying down the card. It was sooooooooooo tempting!
I admit that I did overreact when Cevyn told me that she would be coming to visit on the 6th of July. My friend from China arrives that day too and we leave for Utah on the 9th. I went a bit ballistic and told her that I was really upset with her dad. She was upset. The next day I apologized and reassured her that her dad loves her and she loves her dad and that is the important thing. I told her that he had not kept promises before and I was sensitive. She seemed okay with that.
I also had to give medications to 60 people without an orientation on Tuesday. The nurse who was supposed to be working called in sick. It was a dreadful 13 hour day but I made it. I wanted to leave by 2 today and managed to get out at 4:30. But I am home now and am off for at least 3 weeks!
I can't wait for the retreat.
Thank you for being there my friends.
Lisa: Harvey will never change. You always said that a leopard doesn't change its spots. I just hope you are watching over Cevyn. I worry about her and the environment she is in. I know Harvey loves her which is wonderful but life there seems to revolve around partying and designer clothes and bags. That is so not you! I miss you always and love you forever. Mummy
Anyway, I probably did comment that it was a little over the top when a 53 year old woman on her 3rd marriage had a fancy wedding complete with a white gown and a retinue of bridesmaids. Guilty.
And Harvey informed me that I had been criticizing them to all their neighbours. I asked which ones - "well, the Schreimers". He mentioned Lydia (their daughter) and I immediately said that I would email Lydia because I really didn't want her to upset her. It turned out that Lydia is not upset. And her parents aren't either. Harvey and Beth are. Again, I assume it was because I told them that their house no longer felt like Lisa's. Anything that remotely reminds one of Lisa is in the basement or in a truck of "Cevyn's memories". Harvey did not appreciate me talking to the neighbours about them.
I told him that I would no longer be going to stay with them. I said that I would visit Lisa's grave. He said "so you will go to the cemetery but not see your granddaughter". I was appalled. I said that of course I would see her. I would even go to their house for tea or a glass of wine but I would no longer stay there because it hurts. It is so tempting to remind him that they would not have their house and 2 acres if it were not for Lisa and us. Lisa went to work when she was not well to pay bills. We lent them money so they would not lose the house. Harvey used my Visa card when he had gone bankrupt and needed a card for his work. After he had racked up $20,000 in charges, I mentioned it to Lisa. She was horrified. I guess when he got his expense checks, he spent the money rather than paying down the card. It was sooooooooooo tempting!
I admit that I did overreact when Cevyn told me that she would be coming to visit on the 6th of July. My friend from China arrives that day too and we leave for Utah on the 9th. I went a bit ballistic and told her that I was really upset with her dad. She was upset. The next day I apologized and reassured her that her dad loves her and she loves her dad and that is the important thing. I told her that he had not kept promises before and I was sensitive. She seemed okay with that.
I also had to give medications to 60 people without an orientation on Tuesday. The nurse who was supposed to be working called in sick. It was a dreadful 13 hour day but I made it. I wanted to leave by 2 today and managed to get out at 4:30. But I am home now and am off for at least 3 weeks!
I can't wait for the retreat.
Thank you for being there my friends.
Lisa: Harvey will never change. You always said that a leopard doesn't change its spots. I just hope you are watching over Cevyn. I worry about her and the environment she is in. I know Harvey loves her which is wonderful but life there seems to revolve around partying and designer clothes and bags. That is so not you! I miss you always and love you forever. Mummy
Replies
This journal is packed with sooo much.. You need to get away!!I know I have said things that I should not have said..outloud... I guess we all do..You miss Lisa and do not want her replaced or forgotten..so understand..try to enjoyn your grand-daughters visit and your friends visit and we will meet in utah!! ((hugs))
My son-in-law started seeing someone 1 1/2 after Melissa died. I knew that would happen and prepared myself. When Melissa died, I told him that one day he will get on with his life and move on. He didn\'t want to hear it but I knew it would happen. When he did get remarried, I told him that it would be too hard for me to be there. He respected my wishes and I was happy that he did. Then I heard his new wife was pregnant and I got a pang in my heart. He and Melissa didn\'t have time to have children. We keep in touch by phone sometimes but mostly by texting. I will always have a special place for him in my heart as long as it is from a distance. It would be way to hard to be involved in his everyday life again. I wish you well and I hope you get to see your granddaughter frequently. Hugs, Connie
I am sending supportive hugs of lots of love and understanding your way. What is most important is that Cevyn knows that you love her and that you will continue to keep Lisa a part of her life always. I would hope that everyone would want that for Cevyn as it takes a village to raise these beautiful grandchildren and you are a very vital and important part of it.
Wishing you some peace in the midst and will be excited to meet you very soon in Utah. I think we are all in need of some time just for us and that is what is being planned.
Loving care to you,
Joanie
Insult upon injury! This kind of behavior on Harvey and Beth\'s part would drive me up a wall!
I can feel the hurt, sadness and frustration in everything you say. I am so very glad that you now have three weeks to nurse your wounds and to love YOU!
May you find the answer of peace, reconciliation and healing that your heart sorely needs.
Thinking of you with much love and sending hugs of comfort, tenderness and peace ~ Debbie
Oh my - that all sounds so hard. After David died another mom who had lost a son told me that there were so many \" firsts \" to go through - and she was very right. Knowing that your daughter\'s partner now has a new one is one of them. Lisa, David\'s fiancee, started seeing some-one fairly soon after he died and married not too long after. I always knew it would happen and was kinda glad I had got it out of the way - but still hard. I can\'t imagine how difficult the wedding was for you. I admire your strength for being there - and how you always put Cevyn first. Like daughter like mother, I am guessing!!
David\'s Lisa had a small backyard wedding at her husband\'s in Maine - we are in Indiana - with family and I was grateful for not being there.
If you don\'t mind me saying, Harvey sounds like a piece of work. Cevyn is so lucky to have you in her life - and of course, you her. I\'m so glad you get to see her.
Have a wonderful three weeks! Joanna x
So tough...and you are amazing to have gone to the wedding at all...I know Cevyn knows your love...and that is a wonderful gift. Love and hugs and see you soon! Karen
It\'s hard to bite our tongues sometimes. It sounds like you did just fine. Sometimes things need to be said and we need to vent. Enjoy your three weeks off and see you soon at the retreat. Much love. Robin
Thank you all for your support. It is appreciated more than you know.
What a tough experience. I don\'t know what more you coulda done and I think it\'s very brave of you to go. I already don\'t like your s.i.l. and I\'m hoping that Lisa was happy with him. He sounds so irresponsible and I agree with you, a 53 year old woman having her white wedding, well it sounds too silly. I was 24 when I remarried and wore blue. Love reading you, Abby
The more I read the more I figure that our mission in life is now not to let the memories fade of our Angels. I try to keep Mike alive in my grandchildren. The stories and things that happen like someone tapped them on the shoulder my response is thats Uncle Mike. They are 6 and little Mikie is 3, the little one has dreams with a \"monster\" in them. When Tara hung a picture of his father in his room he told her that is what the monster . Since Mikie is my sons only child he does come him alot. What the meaning is: Lisa is watching over her child and keeping her safe in her own way. I know you will keep Lisa alive for her also.
Cannot waite to meet in Utah
Hugs Penny
Wow, Marlene. I think Harvey and Beth are the self centered ones. A bit of kindness and gentleness to a grieving mom who has had her world changed forever is in order! My daughter in law has hurt me too after Ed died and made me feel like an outsider so I do know how it hurts. It seems our kids were the glue that held the family together in many ways and now that they went to Heaven all we knew is disrupted and I feel at times I am an outsider looking in. I am so sorry you are having to deal with this. Tight hugs and much understanding, Linda