Can I forgive myself...

I am almost scared to write this here... So ashamed and embarrassed to admit I slipped. I don't even want to tell my therapist, but I know I have to get this poison out of me if I want to continue to heal, which is the only thing I care about at this point.
 
I slept with my ex again... Even just typing that, I begin to grind my teeth and feel my stomach turn, bile rising in my throat. No joke. Ever since this happened (and it happened twice), I can't eat. I physically cannot eat without getting ill. I am hungry, but my stomach starts to turn until eating just isn't worth the pain it would cause.
 
I am most likely going to have to write this post in two separate parts as I am extremely exhausted right now. This is what he does to me... The most minor of all contact is like rubbing up against a toxin.
 
There is a plant in South America that is such a powerful toxin that brushing up against can cause you to die. The native populations have found ways to harvest the flowers. The fine powder the petals produce once they are dried is an intoxicant, like a cross between GHB and sodium pentothal. It is used to reduce inhibitions and make people say yes to anything. It is a very powerful tool used in the extortion of money and goods from tourists. The locations of the plants are buried in the Amazon. I have seen the plant myself. It is beautiful, deceptively so...
 It is inviting....
 
Just like my ex is on his best days.
 
He has persisted in getting around each and every boundary I have set up to block contact. If one way doesn't work, he just tries another and another until I am being bombarded with messages all day long (with long gaps, sometimes days in between, just to throw me off balance, or god forbid, work). I will reconfigure my blocking methods as soon as I can get to a computer, and then it starts all over again.
 
He has been pitiful, and that is one of my weaknesses. I begin feeling bad for him, like I am the evil one for blocking him, for not remaining civil. And I know in my heart of hearts, this is all just some sick twisted abuser version of love... And, let's be real here, a game to him.
 
I finally agreed to meet him when he told me he was going to come by my house to drop off some things that he had been thinking about giving me, and maybe if I was there, we could go out? My answer was 'Hell no!!! You are not coming over to my house.' I knew he was serious about this threat, so I agreed to meet him at his house. Stupid, I know.
 
I get there, and well I guess you all know exactly what happened... The oh baby I love you more than anything in the world, I just didn't appreciate you enough before... Complimenting me on my weaknesses, saying things he know will make me feel good.
 
Good thing I never absorbed the false words of love and adoration. It was like something that had been recited out of a sitcom. But those compliments praising my weaknesses, comforting me about my family and sharing parts of himself that were vulnerable were like a massive hoover to me. I might as well crawled up into the hoover machine and been sucked to a different dimension.
 
We always had great sex, it is the one and only time we ever agreed on anything (although at times he did go too far). The next thing I know we are having sex. I am still not quite sure how that happened. I was suckered back in.
 
The next day I re-resolve to block him. He usually waits at least a day or three to contact me after such an emotionally demanding conversation... 'Cuz, goshdarnit, it is sooo hard to emotionally connect if you are my ex... Because he is incapable of it! He might as well fly to the moon!!!
Anyhow, he is blocked less than four hours before he is spamming each and every account I have, asking why I blocked him. If I block one email, he will just come up with another. It is like a sick game to him.
I will admit, that my ego is enthralled by this behavior because I really truly do hate this man, but my ego is like more, more, more... Tell me how great I am, tell me how special I am... I think I am just starved for affection from all the years I never got it!
 
Hmmm... Light bulb goes on! He intentionally deprived me of those moments so that I would be so in need, so weak that I would have to return to him, at least that was his plan!! ;)
 
I did maintain some shred of dignity, and told him that his words are nothing knew to me, that I hear them all the time from people who I mean something too, who love me, as I love myself. I told him I didn't need his compliments, that I had a great night as I pulled on my boots to go... And with him crying out in the background, what??? You aren't going to stay with me? I left.
It felt gratifying to hear him shocked and surprised for once. And yet, I want out of this circle of ever-spinning insanity more than I can ever write.
 
The truth is that I need no contact from him something fierce. I am easily contactable through my business, and that number is always available online. Even if I were to change it, he would have it. I am thinking of ways I could avoid his calls, perhaps even using an answering service.
 
I am hesitant to get a protection order against him, because I think it may be the one thing that sets him off... To place where he could never come back from, and perhaps neither could I. It is scary.
 
However, I am committed to maintaining no contact and my devotion to inner healing no matter what!
 
My life is not for him, it is for me! That's all I care about now.
 
I admit, I am having a hard time for forgiving myself for sleeping with the scoundrel! Grrr....
 
I am ashamed.