can i be brave?

"Oh Lord, I want you to help me"

Oh Lord, I want you to help me......help me on my journey, help me on my way"

Oh Lord, I want you to help me"

this old spiritual from early america rings through the fatigue and fog, a prayer to the Lord on high.....

i did a little bit around the house and found myself quickly bathed in sweat.  the effort of doing proved most difficult.  soon i will be able to liel back down and that is both comforting and depressing.

tried shaking off gloom with epic movies.  The Agony & the Ectasy", "The Robe", "Elizabeth", followed by Elizabeth The Golden Age"....."Gladiator."  Interspersed with old reruns of Andy Taylor & the old Dick Van Dyke Show.......why am I so hot?  Fever perhaps?  Could be......and yet, when I took a shower the hot water felt so good, I was shivering wherever the heated water missed.......think this through kid, it really could be a fever.  You're just overly tired......hard to process.  The fresh pj's feel good......the chores were so hard.  I thought today was yesterday so I missed the trash pick up.  Bet the mail box is full of junk and those other pesky visitors, that tribe we all call "THE BILLS".....as if they were some choreographed boy band from some era or another.  Wish they were.....and that they would come perform at my house sans fees. 

A concert......I'd want the quiet version.....but visitors bearing music would be peachy keen ......for a minute or three. 

I got a large glass pan out, filled it with quartered Idaho potatoes on the outside with quartered chicken breast pieces in the center.  I put a little gravy and some good spices on the whole kit & caboodle.......and slid it into a preheated 350 oven.  On top of the stove I am making homemade gravy with sauteed white onion & mushrooms.  I am not hungry right now, but in a while I will be very grateful for having done it. 

Yesterday I had the most delicious naval orange......mmm good.  Previously I had to go through a big bag of oranges that weren't very good, this new batch is fresh and luscious.  The small treats mean a lot from the viewpoint of a life indoors.  I often think when I am down for the count that it's no wonder I feel so bad being inside so much, but it's an aimless thought, one that I cannot hold onto or fulfill.  I forget it as quickly as I wonder.........for the fatigue is greater than any thought.

The sweating has eased off.......I am sitting beneath a lovely ceiling fan.  It feels wonderful.  Cool and restorative.

The gravy finished simmering......it's resting in the frig now.  Hope I can keep my dinner date for one later.........it won't be bad.  All I have to do is return to the kitchen, remove the food.....store the container and eat in bed.  Setting this goal now helps me try to meet it later.  I've been taking another round of antibiotics this week and they have really messed me up.  The tummy side of the tracks......so weary.

Things have not worked out well thus far for my bad tooth.  It is still residing in my mouth......the dental stuff has been a mess.  Yesterday I prayed that God please simply heal this tooth.  It is so unusual for me to pray a prayer like this........I usually ask God to help me accept things.....not fix or remove or change what is........but right now I hope that God can understand this hope......the infection, the costs, the disappointment of how things have been coming about......have left me in a puddle of disarray about what to do, how to do it, fearful that when these antibiotics run out I will be entangled again in swollen tender gums.......I'm so confused.

I just glanced outside, there is a HUGE mushroom on the grass.........ok, not huge maybe, but huge for the usual mushrooms spring up after much rain here.  It is at least four inches in diameter......the weeds are long and it doesn't seem to matter all that much to me......."LIVE and LET LIVE" seems to be the mantra playing here.

I always hope that these chicken potato dishes will turn out well, but they seldom do......they are nutritious, but not very tasty.  I could use some cooking lessons or maybe just a break from my own cooking.......pray that is the case.  Cause I have to live with my cooking for a long long time........

Tonight I'll probably watch "Braveheart"......as I seem to need these epic films to change my thinking.  Last night I felt so much better even though I primarily listen to the films with my eyelids down......the struggles they face....paired with even a tired foggy imagination lifts me out of this place for a time.....and that is a good thing.

Oh Lord I want you to help me.....help me on my journey, help me on my way...Oh Lord, I want you to help me......I can't remember any of the other verses. 

Taraji P. Henson sang this song in a Tyler Perry movie........one of Grandmother's caregivers sang it for me one day, she has a glorious voice......so rich that you can hear three notes threading in and out with such emotion that tears spring to the eyes and shivers to the skin.......

sleepy, i have some jello, easy to carry.....light and delicious to eat.  take that, some cool water and stay awake until the food needs to come out of the oven. 

feels like a mighty long week......that is only going to get longer, help me be brave and cope with this time.......i will pray for you to find what you need through these days also.  hugs, ruthie