cry

hi to my friends i cried today. i sobbed today. we were invited out to friends for lunch. i hated it. not because of them. because of me. it was as if i were taking all the energy and power i had to sit at the table and not cry.  ive been holding it back for weeks now. im reaching nearly 6 months since jessys passing. im not depressed in that i dont want to do anything. l love to be at home, do my gardening, make my home beautiful, play with the kids, and my dogs, do research on helping my kids, looking after my pappa, talking with my hubby, and spending time with my mom. but NOT GOING OUT!  i dont want to sit with other people. i cant make small talk. i cant talk to them about ANYTHING.  i dont want people to come here and visit. i can talk correspondence. that way i guess i can communicate when im up to it. i just dont want to have to socialise with anyone, or see anyone. i came home from lunch, it was very very hot, my feet were sore. i sate on the side of the bath, put my feet in, and ran the cold water over my feet. and i started to sob. and i SOBBED AND SOBBED AND SOBBED AND SOBBED.my husband came to me, and my mom came. all i could get out, was "my baby is dead", and i cried something terrible, and uncontrollable for about an hour non stop. i then told them, everyone tells things about "the bigger picture" and "G-d's greater plan", and how i was "chosen for a reason", and why "G-d had to take Jessy for a reason".... but I AM HUMAN!!!!  AND I AM IN PAIN!!!!  AND NO MATTER WHAT THE REASONS ARE, OR ANY MAYBE'S OR ANY RATIONALISING... ...... I AM IN PAIN!  AND THIS PAIN IS TERRIBLE!    AND IT IS REAL!!!   i have finished crying now. i have such a headache now, and have exhausted myself from crying. ive just taken something for my headache. my whole being is tired, my body is so weak. will i survive this? love jan