Burying My Head In The Sand
I have been completely and utterly overwhelmed in the past couple of weeks. It feels as if there will NEVER be enough hours in the day for me to get everything done that I have to do. With Christmas coming up it just puts that extra bit of pressure on me ... just enough to make me crash. So when I started feeling dizzy and irritable and nauseous and fatigued I clued in and realized I was trying to do too much and I forced myself to slow down. That's me Miss Perfectionist. Its not enough to do it but I must do if perfectly. During this little bit of down time I carved for myself this weekend I realized how little work I had done on my recovery. On Sunday I went for a jog on these paths around my house. The same paths my ex and I had walked on all the time in the summer and its like suddenly he was all around me. Now I thought I was doing pretty good not constantly obsessing about him but the memories the surroundings triggered made me feel angry at him all over again. Recovering means processing and processing means dealing with your feelings. I am so good at covering my feelings up that I don't even know what they are. I guess I learned this early from a Mom who wasn't very sympathetic. So there has been no drama in my life for quite a while and I just feel...nothing or maybe I feel something but I don't know what it is. I feel edgy, antsy, like there's something there that I need to deal with but I'm not really sure what. I feel myself craving for something to happen. i feel a bit down. I made a vow to myself to get back into my healing. I just don't want to be better for the moment. I want to really be better..like when I am challenged or when I am at peace. I want to know that the next "trigger" situation won't turn me into a tailspin. I guess I feel like the broken part of me has healed some. Like the cast has been taken off but I'm a little afraid to stand on it still.