Burning Time.
I don't know what's happening. I am losing friends fast and it really hurts. Now Katie seems to be letting me out of her life. She dosen't tell me when she is coming into town anymore. I have to find out about it on facebook. At least I still have Jacqui as a friend. I am jut confused as to why Katie is doing this to me. Also, Neida lived here in Denver now and she has yet to contact me... And I have tried to contact her. Then Chi keeps this chanting radio thing on all the time, or at least she tries to. At home yesterday I kept turning it off when she was not in the room, really... why leave something on and then leave the room? It's simply irritating and unnecessary. I think that she's crazy and needs to leave the family. Because she is NOT family.
All of this has me concentrated more on school than usually. I finished my final paper for history with no problem or pressure. Right now I have a great deal of time before I go to that class and turn in my papers.
I am staying at mom's this weekend, in a way to just get out of dads house or VN as I like to say. But, this is ho I found out that Katie was coming into town. Her mom might stay with us. Katie is bringing Rachael's car back to Denver from Crested Butte. I still cant believe that Katie is doing this to me. I never really expected it from her. I trusted her. Especially when she told me that she would rather spend time with me than with Rachael. I don't know what to do. I blocked a lot of them on facebook so I dont have to see the photos or the status updates. tonight I want to go to "Dixi's Tupper wear party" which is a play at the Denver Center. I love going to plays and getting dressed up. I get into plays for only $10 because I am a student. I just have to purchase them 1 hour prior to the call.
With school being the only structured thing in my life I feel like extending into graduate school. I am thinking about psychology or psychiatry. Somewhat like "An Unquiet Mind" which is a book written by a woman who is now a psychiatrist but has battled bipolar disorder. If I am going to keep living I am going to have to make the best of every second I am here. Every second. I am in the library now, typing to you, and getting ready to go to my 2:30pm class. It's difficult to think about living life in the present and living every minute of it. I live mostly in the past and in the future, but never think about what's happening in the present.
I am curious if my dad has a life insurance policy on me. I think that he did at one point and I know he has one for himself. If I have one I wonder what the price is. Am I worth more dead than alive? Does everyone ask this question or is this one of my twisted questions that is irrelevant to most other people.
I came to the library to type into my journal from my laptop because I feel odd using the school's computers to access daily strength. I am afraid of this coming back to me. All of the words in this journal are personal and are really only to be read in the case of my death. This may be te only thing that I can leave my family, other than my debt of course. I think about a family friend Helen Kurtz who shot herself shortly after her ex husbands death from cancer. I know what it feels like to be in the position to kill myself but I just don't know where I would go after I die. A gun is a quick way to end you life. It can be messy, but fast and easy... just pull the trigger. Ugh this is not good to be thinking about.
I am looking forward to my doctor appointment with my pdoc to lower medications and move from xanax to valium due to the half life of valum to xanax. Then I want to go down a notch on the seroquel. I remember Dr Power telling me that I could go down quickly on the seroquel. Life from 800mg to 400mg.
I better go do something.
Goodnight moon.
All of this has me concentrated more on school than usually. I finished my final paper for history with no problem or pressure. Right now I have a great deal of time before I go to that class and turn in my papers.
I am staying at mom's this weekend, in a way to just get out of dads house or VN as I like to say. But, this is ho I found out that Katie was coming into town. Her mom might stay with us. Katie is bringing Rachael's car back to Denver from Crested Butte. I still cant believe that Katie is doing this to me. I never really expected it from her. I trusted her. Especially when she told me that she would rather spend time with me than with Rachael. I don't know what to do. I blocked a lot of them on facebook so I dont have to see the photos or the status updates. tonight I want to go to "Dixi's Tupper wear party" which is a play at the Denver Center. I love going to plays and getting dressed up. I get into plays for only $10 because I am a student. I just have to purchase them 1 hour prior to the call.
With school being the only structured thing in my life I feel like extending into graduate school. I am thinking about psychology or psychiatry. Somewhat like "An Unquiet Mind" which is a book written by a woman who is now a psychiatrist but has battled bipolar disorder. If I am going to keep living I am going to have to make the best of every second I am here. Every second. I am in the library now, typing to you, and getting ready to go to my 2:30pm class. It's difficult to think about living life in the present and living every minute of it. I live mostly in the past and in the future, but never think about what's happening in the present.
I am curious if my dad has a life insurance policy on me. I think that he did at one point and I know he has one for himself. If I have one I wonder what the price is. Am I worth more dead than alive? Does everyone ask this question or is this one of my twisted questions that is irrelevant to most other people.
I came to the library to type into my journal from my laptop because I feel odd using the school's computers to access daily strength. I am afraid of this coming back to me. All of the words in this journal are personal and are really only to be read in the case of my death. This may be te only thing that I can leave my family, other than my debt of course. I think about a family friend Helen Kurtz who shot herself shortly after her ex husbands death from cancer. I know what it feels like to be in the position to kill myself but I just don't know where I would go after I die. A gun is a quick way to end you life. It can be messy, but fast and easy... just pull the trigger. Ugh this is not good to be thinking about.
I am looking forward to my doctor appointment with my pdoc to lower medications and move from xanax to valium due to the half life of valum to xanax. Then I want to go down a notch on the seroquel. I remember Dr Power telling me that I could go down quickly on the seroquel. Life from 800mg to 400mg.
I better go do something.
Goodnight moon.
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