Bump in the Road

A wall actually, but first I want to thank you G for your comments on my new Avatar. That picture was taken in 1949, I was 5 years old. Believe it or not my mother had given me a "permanent" to get it to look that curly. I actually remember that. We had gone to some friends of my parents on a farm near Holland, Texas and one of these people's children wanted to play with 'her', meaning me. I quickly straightened the guy out (but as I look back it really pisses me off that mother would do that to me to make me look cute!), even though at that age it's an acceptable mistake for others in that same age group. Now, back to the wall. In reading just a couple of new pages in Freud, the section on analysis, he states that patients who bring notes, books, or talk about what they've read about lately about analysis (like I do with my therapists) is a sign of resistance, BIG TIME! It's a dodge (avoidance) to relating uncensored feelings in the moment. Also he gives little hope for a poor person, who can't afford therapy. Their neurosis is very difficult to dislodge. In as much as I'm not working now, and am getting therapy at a reduced rate, things look grim. There may be some 'enabling' going on here, but then again it's a "Catch-22": income and occupation are the problem and I can't get that without therapy to heal the neurosis that I believe is causing the problem with occupation and work. One thing I just recognized from reading about neurosis, you cannot attack the unconscious directly, by 'thinking', thinking involves memory and the parts that I need to reveal are not available to memory. They can't be recalled through memory. It takes 'feeling', and since I am just now beginning to feel my emotions (since I've been with DS) it's indicative of how hard I've repressed my emotions over the years. It was all analysis by thinking, acquiring information. (On the otherhand I wouldn't have gotten as far as I have today without all the education I've learned by thinking and collecting data. Perhaps it's all working out and it's time for a new approach.) If I was attacked in the past, I wouldn't act emotionally, I'd think about what happened and choose the proper course of response; probably passive-aggressive. I'd avoid an emotional response. So I've got to really make an attempt, or better yet actually accomplish, to allow my feelings to come out from my unconscious. One thing I was suprized to find was that I had already been taught, or figured it out myself, Freaud's theory on the two methods of thought: fantasy, in the form of expectations and reality. He suggests that the inability to adapt fantasy thoughts about expectations must be adaptable to reality. If they're not, it causes conflict. Just like I've said before, unresolved chronic conflict causes neurotic behavior. Another thing I feel I'm right about, if I've understood this correctly, is that fantasy thoughts are not only 'child-like', they're tools to avoid the percieved pain reality, a coping behavior. "Daydreaming", which I tend to do alot, is in that category. My conclusion/hypothesis at the moment is that due to the neurotic stress, and the principle that people under tremendous anxiety and stress will revert/resort to 'childhood' behaviors, it would suggest I am still under great unconscious stress. If I'm fantasizing all the time, then I'm under some sort of stress. (No wonder I take so much so seriously all the time!)I've even noticed lately that I sometimes grind my teeth (softly, more like nervously) and am constanly relaxing my spine muscles without realizing I'd contracted them. So something is going on inside; and is trying to get out. That's the good news. The pressure is building to get it out and let it out.  The more I am willing to face my fears, to allow my feelings out now, and from the past, the more likely I'll get to the bottom of all this. It may take a lot more time. First thing: stop fantasizing. Teach myself that my emotions are avoiding something by 'daydreaming' about a possible outcome, and then ask my wounded Inner Child what it's feeling and what am I doing to have it feel the way it's feeling. The fantasizing is about "what if...." thinking, preparing for some negative event, most likely to have the perfect answer to the potential threat for any of a multitude of possible forecasted potentials. Anyway, I'm just realizing that I need to quit thinking and start feeling; feeling the past as it relates to any negative feelings about the present. If something 'lights up' my fear emotions that is not physically threatening, then it's related to a past supressed emotion. Then allow that feeling to come out without denying it, avoiding it, or repressing it. It's simply about the willingness now to face my fears. To understand that they are thoughts about imagined pain, not physical pain. That I can handle them now.  I can see where some of my symotoms of neurosis has caused me to relate some of those symptoms to Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). Actually it's the same thing: unresolved emotional trauma. Okay, back to work building the new pump house and keeping a blank mind from daydreaming. Another new mantra: I do not expect strangers to love or approve of me, it's no longer important, I'm fine without their approval or acceptance. Detach. Have a Great Day!